Big Foot I’m Not

Okay, I admit it. I wear children’s shoes. I can fit into a size 2 ½, which probably places me easily into the Pygmy category. Shrimp, midget, dwarf, tiny Tina, Shorty, whatever. Call me what you like, but you probably won’t call me Big Foot. I’m not one of those people who will scream obscenities at you if you are not completely politically correct. Call me by the P.C. term, “little person” and I’ll probably get mad because to me, that term refers to a child, not a small adult.

I like being short, and I’m very good at it. I’ve always said that the reason I’m so short is because I’ve always been afraid of heights. I think it would be cool to start an “under five” club for people less than five feet tall, like me. What a great club that would be. Of course, it would probably be difficult to determine who is going to be club president and how would you pick that person anyway, by choosing the tallest of the bunch, or the shortest?

We would pay our club dues in small bills only, of course, and tall tales would be out of the question. We would, naturally, fight over who had the smallest car and give out prizes for the lowest golf score. When we went fishing we would argue about the “little” ones that got away and automatically choose the smallest fishhooks anyway.

Yup, it would be an interesting club and I think our motto would probably be; “don’t get high.” Comedian, Steve Martin used to do a comedy routine parodying the druggie phrase: “Let’s get high.” His version was, “let’s get small.” I like that. Maybe that would make a good motto too. This club would have a strict dress-code. No big hair, no hats, and no platform shoes or heels. We wouldn’t want those things anyway. We would run around barefoot just to show off how “small” we really are.

I opened this article by stating that I wear children’s shoes. We of the ‘under five’ club could also have shoe buying contests at department stores, to see who can buy the most shoes without any cartoon characters on them. Flowers and butterflies don’t count, Ninja Turtles do. Toy shoes that little girls wear for dress up are not eligible, but flip-flops of any size are. Well, you get the idea.

Fact is, most people would rather not be called short, and perhaps for them we could use the term, “under-tall”. But those of us who do enjoy being short and don’t care what you call us, we need to stand up and be counted. Of course, you’ll have to look down to count us, but that’s just a minor detail. As far as I’m concerned, call me whatever you like, just don’t call me “big foot.”

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