2- The eccesive Face Book Quoter- Look when mother Teresa said something it was motivational, when you place it as your “what on your mind” title on FB your an idiot. Seriously be original, if wanted a biblical lesson when I sign on to chat with my friends I would be at church instead. Sorry but seriously if I liked literature I would not have had to take eigth grade english twice.

3- That idiot that cuts me off in traffic every morning- What is the matter with you? Really man, I believe my life to be more valuable than having time to grab a breakfast sandwich from Mickey D’s. Have you ever thought about anyone but yourself or is it the rush of taking advantage of passive drivers? get your head out of your… and realize that the road is not yours.

4- The excessive laugher- Everything you say is not a punch line. It is truly not funny when you tell you story about picking up after you dog. Well yes that is, the fact that you work for your dog is pretty funny but seriously. Are you really that happy? If you are more power to you but you are not spreading cheer all your are doing is enraging me on the inside to the point that my therapist does not think is healthy.

5- Mediocrity celebrators- Really, Timmy got a C? Way to go, now when he gets his job serving me Big Macs you can help him by a 1980 Pinto. Why is it that everyone gets a trophy these days. I mean they are not all winners and most of them sat on the bench so we say “way to go, you showed up”! I hope for their sake that they find jobs in life that give them a paycheck for doing nothing as well because this is what they are being conditioned to.

6- The Never ending talker- Not catching on to the “uh huh, uh huh, OK, OK” are we? If you are talking and this is what you are hearing from the other person, guess what? THEY ARE NOT LISTENING. Shocked? I hope not or you are just so lonely you have become a word terrorist.

7- The Fast Text-er- Can I answer one text at a time here please? I get so confused trying answer the barrage of three texts at a time I have to quit. the next thing you know “I’m ignoring you” and I have to hear about that. Really one at a time please. I have fat fingers so trust me more than one at a time I am not texting you back… ever again.

8- The boss that calls me on my day off- This is not only rude it has got to be the top reason I have always hated my bosses. Seriously, I am not going to fix it right now and to tell you the truth I am going to come in late on Monday now. I already think it is unfair that I have to listen to you five days a week and now you want to impose your will on the time I spend talking about you behind your back? My therapists says I should keep taking my meds as long as you are my boss. I am thinking it might be fun to try coming to work without them now.

9- Advice giver- Look if you are Over Weight, don’t tell me how to lose weight. If you can’t afford to by a pack of gum two days before pay day, don’t tell me how to become rich. If you bald, don’t tell me about the best shampoo and conditioner combo to use. If you are divorced please do not give me marital advice. Get the point? We all no these people and I know you are too nice to tell them to shut up so have them read this and maybe they will get the point. Then again they probably don’t realize that they are not qualified to give this advice so you might be wasting you time.

10- The Internet Stud/ Beauty Queen- Look , if they are on line looking for a date be cautious. I know the excuse “I work a lot and don’t have time to meet people”. If this is true O.K. but ladies and gents they are rarely as advertised. I have met a few so I know from experience here. You can be 5′6″ and become 6′ in as long as it takes you to type it. All you have to do is listen to the country song,  “On line” by Brad Paisley. It sums it up. All I am saying is that they are on line for a reason. I will not fall for this again myself. I am not talking about all people that do this only the ones that embellish the truth.

Thanks for reading I hope I didn’t offend anyone ofcourse if you’ve read other articles by me you should have known what you were getting into. Until next time, thanks for reading.

2.       You are at your new girl/ boyfriends place when all of the sudden Mother Nature calls. Now if it were for number one this would not be a problem. This was the wrong day to have the entire Chinese buffet for lunch and you knew this but we like to live dangerously, don’t we?

3.       Talking behind someone’s back and they show up right when you are finishing up- this one has gotten me at least once a month since I turned twenty. I just don’t get it, I mean these people would never even come within ten feet of me normally but the moment I say one bad thing about them they want to be my BFF. Now you could probably play it off if the crowd you were with had any idea of how to act normal but they decide to go all silent and act about as weird as a human being possibly could. If you’ve been in this situation you know the rest of the story.

4.       You get caught watching naughty internet “photos/videos” by your wife- this creates a silence like no other. You could actually hear an ant pass gas during this silence. You scramble in your head to find any excuse what so ever but you can’t come up with anything.  Then it hits you “these darn pop ups, I don’t know why they won’t stop” just as she notices the timer that says that fifteen minutes have elapsed. Guess who’s sleeping on the couch again.

5.        You are driving and someone pulls out in front of you- now you are very fired up! You begin cursing and riding their bumper. You are yelling and screaming while flipping them the bird. You see them shrug in the mirror as if to say “what did I do”? Then your girlfriend in the passenger seat has had enough of your rant. She looks at you and says “why did you run that stop sign”? At this time you look in the mirror and realize that you are an idiot!

6.       You are taking a shower for a dinner party at your place that begins at six- it is almost five and you are ahead of schedule for once. You finish up in the bathroom and as you always do you walk to your bedroom in the nude. You look and you have no underwear so you walk down stairs to the laundry room. As you reach the bottom of the stairs (still in your birthday suit because your wife thinks it’s cute)and turn the corner into the kitchen your guest have arrived early, so you think. Your mother in law comes out of the kitchen and gets the money shot (She doesn’t find it as cute as your spouse does, shocking I know). You run back to your room and begin to thumb through the yellow pages for a therapist. Your significant other comes up to remind you about your conversation two days prior that the time had changed to five. Then she asks (as if your life weren’t already as bad as it could get) “did you pick up my parents thirtieth anniversary present”?  “Oops”.

7.       You show up at your girlfriend’s house – and there is another guy walking out the door with her. You come face to face with her. There is a long silence, it is broken by her voice “oh, didn’t you check your Face book”? Are you kidding me? Face book? Really? Is it even legal to break up with someone over Face book? Oh by the way, next time please send a private message, I really don’t need the entire Face book nation knowing I have E. D.

8.       You get so drunk that you crap you pants. Enough said.

9.       You are a shoo in for an award. It is time for the announcement. You begin to loosen up and prepare for you big acceptance speech. You have been waiting for what seems to be a month. It is time, the announcement comes and you stand up and begin walking to the isle when you see another person walking onto the stage. Everyone is looking at you like you are an idiot (when five seconds ago they thought you won too) so you continue walking to the exit and get to the front of the line at the after party.

10.   You’re at your girlfriend’s house when you receive divorce papers- this probably wouldn’t be that awkward if your girlfriend knew you were married in the first place.

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  Shopping also takes too long in most cases. If I go out and look for something, I’ll only leave with a shopping list in my hands, and work my way through the shelves systematically. That’s why I find it so annoying that they constantly move the goods around. Once I had got my bearings and knew where to find the rice – I bet next time I go there, they’ll have moved around everything, and where the rice was, is now the tea. But that doesn’t mean that where the tea once was, is now the rice. That would be too easy. They want us to solve the riddle by travelling through the whole supermarket.

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  But that would be awkward, that would take me too long. I get flustered when it takes too long. It’s like the bright lights in the supermarket ring an alarm bell in my brain and I can see it flashing in front of my eyes: “Get out of here!” That’s why I rather leave before I’ve found what I was looking for, if they hide it from me. So, this would be my list wishes for Santa, if it comes to Christmas. These are the things I’d like to change if it wasn’t for getting real presents from Santa, like an X-Box or a digital satellite dish:

1. Please, Santa, make that the supermarkets close at seven in the evening – I can’t see a reason why I should go shopping in the middle of the night. But my wife finds it cool and shops her socks off, and then the credit card is finished.
2. Please, Santa, tell them in the supermarkets, that they don’t need to hide the goods from me. If I can’t find them, I have to leave without buying them. And that doesn’t mean good business for them, does it?
3. Please, Santa, introduce bouncers at the entrance to supermarkets around the rush hour time. The number of people inside needs to be limited. I don’t want to be pushed around and knocked over and have to step around children on the ground because I’m afraid to hurt them.
4. Leave all the goods in the same place all year round and give me a plan, where I can see what I can find in which place, that would half my shopping time, and I would have more spare time for myself.
5. Please prohibit the use of prams, children on scooters and roller shoes since they are a risk in the market, and I don’t want to be knocked down. There could be playing area where the toddlers and bigger kids could play together and were safe and keeping busy.
6. Please get rid of these automated check-out terminals. They are no automates, they can’t even once work properly alone and without having an assistant on your side helping the poor thing to understand what it is supposed to do. 

 Oh yes, and there would be another one, although there is no more space on the wish list: Pleas give me my own supermarket, where I can freely shop on my own whenever I feel like it. But that would only be necessary if you can’t fulfil my other wishes.

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Now this picture seems to indicate that our little ducky friend has got himself into hot water and is about to become duck soup for the shoebill, especially bearing in mind the 4 ft tall shoebill is a renowned predator and not impartial to a bit of wildfowl for dinner, but read on!

Having grabbed the duck, the shoebill merely moved him to one side …

and dropped the poor little blighter onto his back.  As you can see it ruffled a few feathers but, according to onlookers, the duck appeared none the worse for wear!

The shoebill is a threatened species as it’s believed there are only about 5,000 or so remaining, and it tends to be found in large swamps in eastern Africa where it can grow to more than 5 ft tall and have a wingspan of up to 10 ft – quite an imposing figure I would imagine if you’re a duck trying to get out its way!.  It was only discovered in the 19th century when some shoebill skins were brought to Europe.  They mainly feed on fish, frogs, reptiles (including baby crocs), insects and small mammals.

Our next little furry friend is completely barking!

Meet dizzy Daisy the Staffordshire terrier – no, she’s not headless but the mad mutt managed to get her head stuck in a tumble dryer vent!  She was trapped for over an hour with her head in the 6 inch hole in the wall of the utility room in her home in Cambridgeshire.  Unfortunately, as she struggled to set herself free her head became swollen making it impossible for her owners to free her so they had to call the local fire brigade who chipped away the wall around her neck and removed some bricks.

Naturally the terrified terrier didn’t make life easy for her rescuers so the firemen administered oxygen to her to keep her as calm as possible.  After about half an hour she was free with nothing worse than a few scratches.  She was subsequently checked over by a vet who gave her a clean bill of health – no pun intended… utility room?  Laundry??  And just for those of you who are interested in seeing Daisy in a slightly more dignified manner, here she is.

The next animal is bound to have all you animal fanatics out there going aaahhh!!  Meet Baldrick the bald hedgehog – oh bless!!!

This little chap was found in a garden at Great Yarmouth in my home county of Norfolk and is now being looked after by a wildlife rescue centre.  He’s about four months old and, as you can imagine, is a bit of a rarity.  This wrinkly little critter would normally have around 500 prickles to protect him from predators and to help keep him warm but he’s got absolutely zilch!

In order to keep him alive his ‘foster parents’ clean him using an antiseptic scrub and then rub baby oil into his skin in the hope that it’ll soften enough to promote the growth of spikes.  Apparently Baldrick is partial to mealworms and has been known to go to the edge of his cage and put his paw up to take in the odd mealy morsel!!

It’s thought that Baldrick was probablyy abandoned by his mother but it seems he’s doing just fine now … He was a mere 240 grams when he arrived at his new home but he’s now reached a hefty 800 grams!

Now we meet Meadow, who’s half the calf she used to be!

This little Black Angus calf was found in a paddock having lost her hooves and part of her ears due to severe frostbite, but help was at hand via Nancy Dickenson, a rancher who bought the calf and then proceeded to spend thousands of dollars on surgery for her.  Part of her back legs were amputated back in August and vets and students from Colorado State Uni have just fitted her with prosthetic legs and hooves.  Apparently Meadow is now enjoying her life frollicking around in the fields … and before you ask, no she’s not going to end up on the barbecue but is very much a family pet in the Dickenson household!!

And last but not least – meet the stag who decided to spend a night at a Five Star Hotel.

This handsome looking guy held the security team at bay when it gatecrashed into the lobby of the Five Star hotel in northern China.  It’s thought that, due to it being the rutting season, the deer saw himself in the glass and charged the reflection.  Having found himself in the lobby of the hotel he became a bit twitchy – whether it was due to the strange surroundings or the price of the B&B I don’t know, but he started to run amok.  Eventually wildlife experts sedated him, took him to a zoo close by to get him checked out and then returned him to the wild.  Certainly puts a new slant on the term ’stag do’!!!!

1) The Eldest Child

Advantages:

The “eldest” child is the trend setter. If the “eldest” child wears a shirt with ‘I’m stupid’ written on it, the rest of the pack follows the leader. The “eldest” child is given responsibility – makes them look grown up and more mature – but really, who cares if they really are grown up or mature. The “eldest” child is ALWAYS the centre of attention. They are given the first choice, be it picking out what jumper to wear or which pair of those hideous socks you get to choose. The “eldest” child is the smart one by default because they have “seen more of life”.

Disadvantages:

The “eldest” child can get away with nothing! There’s always that sob story of “setting an example for your younger siblings” that sticks to them ALL their lives. The “eldest” child is also always under scrutiny for the best behaviour out in a party or something. Who cares if the other children dipped their chicken salad in the custard at a posh party? If the “eldest” child does it, they are bound to get a few harsh words eventually.

2) The Middle Child

Advantages:

The “middle” child is always the one who can sink into the shadows and disappear when the other kids get the blame. They are always put in a situation where they don’t have to set an example for any one or they don’t even have to follow it. The “middle” child always gets to play the angel. Let the older sibling get the blame because of what the “middle” child did to the younger one. The “middle” child is the one who is the best behaved because the others naturally expect the “middle” child to have the maturity of the older sibling and the innocence of the younger one. If there is more than one “middle” child, the “middle” child always has their own little group of “middlehood”.

Disadvantages:

The “middle” child is always the “middle” child. Overshadowed by the others. Sometimes, no one really cares about the “middle” child because let’s face it, you are far too normal to be in a family. The “middle” child is the one who is often forgotten because they can slip in and out of situations at ease so sometimes, it’s best just to not keep them in account of the grand scheme of things. Don’t scoff at this, “middle” children out there, you secretly know this is true!

3) The Youngest Child

Advantages:

The “youngest” child is the most spoilt! No one wants to hurt the “youngest” child because the “youngest” child is always the most cunning and the most angelic. The “youngest” child could do no wrong. All they have to is point the finger at the others if they have to in a sticky situation. The “youngest” child is the one who gets away with everything. They have nothing to fear because they will always have backup (the other siblings) to cover for them. And the other siblings can’t say ‘no’ because that would mean violating the “code” of siblingship. The “youngest” one is often the one who gets what he/she wants. If the “youngest” child does something wrong, the parents are always quick to say “He/She is only a child!” And when the “youngest” child is 42 and still living with their parents, the “youngest” is still “only a child”.

Disadvantages:

The “youngest” child has to follow the crowd every single time. When the “eldest” child sets an example, they are obliged to follow it. The “youngest” child is the one who can’t think for themselves, just because they aren’t allowed to.  The “youngest” child is never given the first choice in anything and most of the times responsibility is never given to the “youngest” child. The “youngest” can be bullied by the others as the ‘spoilt’ one and often ostracised from the rest of the group. The “youngest” can also be compared to the others constantly and be overshadowed too.

4) The Only Child

Advantages:

The “only” child has it all. They are spoilt and loved by their parents. They are given all the freedom that they could ever want because the parents don’t want to ‘hurt’ their ‘poor little baby’. They are given the responsibility and Nan and Grandpa will always love the “only” child because he or she can carry the most divine manners. The “only” child has no one else whom they are compared to. They can think for themselves and they can act for themselves. The “only” child is given the latest iPod only by asking for it. The “only” child can get away with anything too and all they have to do is say ‘sorry’.

Disadvantages:

Secretly at school, not very many people like the “only” child because they are jealous of the latest Gucci coat that the “only” child has. The “only” child can get really bored over the summer because they have no one to play with or no one to gossip with. The “only” child is also meant to behave really well and even though they can get away with misbehaviour, it is often optimum if they have the best polished shoes on and the best neatly brushed hair. The “only” child is the sole carrier of the parents dreams and ambitions for their “only” child so the “only” child must stick to accomplishing them.

You are bound to be in one of those situations at some point in your life and you will find that if not all, at least some of it is true! So stop moaning about why you are disadvantaged as a child with your position in the family and stop whinging about why your siblings are so advantaged as a child with their position in the family and live with it! The truth of the matter is – no matter what child you are, you’ll never win!

With the economy the way it is, the competition among panhandlers must be fierce.  These ”street associates” get creative to get a handout.

Sure he’s a straight talker, but still…

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Maybe a pistol would be more economical.

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I wonder what those research papers look like.

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He gets points for originality, and his clothes will keep you guessing on what era he stepped out of.

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Excellent use of reverse psychology.

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To be honest, that isn’t much different from my last job.

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Signs That Probably Aren’t Real But Should Be

It’s a European Carryall!

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Not since the classic “Pegasus Crossing” have geeks been so jazzed to see a sign.

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To me, the best part of this sign is just how zen the cow is about what is happening.

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Replace Those Lightbulbs!

That’s actually a really good price…must be a volume business.

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How is this even relevant?  Where are they getting this “steak” from?

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Accidental Profanity From  Asian Restaurants  Um, these are pretty self-explanatory…Oh, like you’re so mature!

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Bad Spelling  Next time you complain about higher taxes, just think what a bargain education gets you in America.

This child was left behind… far behind.

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“Excetions” isn’t in my English to Spanish dictionary so I have no idea what the hell this means.

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Finally!  I’m so tired of the same old chips and dip…

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You know your dog isn’t going to continue obedience school if they write a letter to the school’s owner telling them you are the owner of a flea circus and intend to bring the circus to class next time.

A common drill that is used is for the owners of dogs to run in a circle with their dog on a leash making sure that the dog stays in step with class.  My dog took a dump.  That’s right.  He pooped right in the circle and three owners stepped in it before the circle run was stopped.  The mess was covered with sawdust and I was put in charge of cleaning it up.

Before that my dog would run ahead and sniff the dog ahead of us which would freak it out and cause it to jump in the air.

My dog hired some cats and squirrels to position themselves outside of class and go “na-na-nana-na.”  They then took off with the dogs in hot pursuit.  Many dog owners suffered bruises.

Of course my dog did try to appeal to my softer side by leaving a copy of Hitler’s “Mein Kamph” on top of his leash.

I knew though that he really was having fun embarrassing me.  In other words he really didn’t want a peaceful solution to the situation.

One evening I noticed him and a couple other dogs in a huddle a few feet away from me.  I didn’t put two-and-two together.  His “friends” got into a squabble across the auditorium floor and while they distracted the crowd he quickly pulled me to the refreshment counter which offered wine-based refreshments.  Did I mention that some of my friends from church were in the class?

I should have admitted I was defeated but I followed through and made him graduate—sort of.  And, I suppose that also gave him his ultimate hatred of me.

When we got our diplomas we walked across the stage and had our dogs “sit,” “stay” and “come.”

When it came to my pet’s turn he jumped around like playful puppy the whole time.  They gave me the diploma but three days later I got a letter in the mail that had a copy of the diploma stamped “Null and Void.”

All these years now my dog has hated me.  If I had just listened to him I would have a loyal pet instead of a sworn enemy.

No Thanks!  “Na-na-nana-na!”

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The format of the show sees twelve, mentally unstable, 18-25 year old men hoping to clinch the top prize of blowing out an American High School.

Contestants have to prove they are most suited for the role by demonstrating an ability of tasks, including firearm handling and editing a pre-massacre You Tube video.

It is a first for the reality talent show format, as the participants are all mentally disturbed before the programme begins rather than after it.

A UK version has already been discussed, with high-standing pin-up Andrew Lloyd-Webber and the popular serpent Piers Morgan lined up to be hosts.

Only four people achieved grade A at A-Level this year, leading to shadow schools minister Gary Parry to say that teachers were, fundamentally, shit.

He also criticised the use of Microsoft PowerPoint version 1, stating that the poor graphical interface was causing the system to freeze and that the few decent teachers were spending half the lesson climbing up the face of the twenty foot computers to press the restart button.

Conservative Schools Minister Edward Headwood has stated that he is disappointed with the lack of academic achievement in the education system and that a Green Paper has already been put in front of Parliament to be scrutinized by MPs in attempt to rectify the situation.

Make Exams Easy Bill (MEEB), which is likely to be accepted by all parties, aims to gradually decrease the difficulty of exams each year in order for it to appear that all the money spend on education is being used effectively.

Part of the proposals includes adding a new qualification called an AS-Level, half an A-Level in order to make those who are thick at least feel like they’ve achieved something even if everyone knows they haven’t.

Amanda Sandra, spokeswoman for the union TAS (Teachers Aren’t Shit) spoke of the current crisis: “Whilst we welcome the new proposals to make our members’ jobs easier, despite them clearly being overpaid for the tiny amount of work they actually do, we do feel they deserve a bit of praise.’

“They have been coming to terms with new computer systems, some are still struggling not to hit the children and they are spending a greater amount of time nowadays chasing paedophiles away from schools.

“A lot of teachers are now also in relationships with their students, so in fact, some pupils are receiving much more tuition than ever before.

“Ideally, what our members would like to see is more time off.”

Prime-woman-minister Margaret Thatcher has also promised to help and has announced she will take immediate action to do something that will irritate people in later years.

Paschal La-Di-Dah, regarded as one Britain’s brainiest students, and most likely to be a gay when it comes more sociably acceptable, received the first grade A in the newly introduced Video Studies. He said: “I’m really surprised with my result. I did nothing, literally nothing. ”

“But apparently that made up 90 per cent of the marks on the course.”

When asked whether the easier exams would see an overwhelming increase in the amount people applying for university places, Edward Headwood (who is also half-robot) said: “People aren’t that clever, and they’ll not be getting any more cleverer when MEEB comes in.’

“Dumbing-down universities would be the only way that could happen.”

Below is an example of a current English exam question, and how the same question will look in twenty years.

Current

The Tempest

1. How far and in what ways do you see family relationships as a central concern of The Tempest?

In the course of your answer:

• explain clearly how the play presents family relationships;

• comment on what the play suggests about family conflicts

(50 Marks)

Future

The Tempest

1. What is The Tempest?

(Circle the correct answer)

a) A book

b) A shoe

(50 Marks)