2.       You are at your new girl/ boyfriends place when all of the sudden Mother Nature calls. Now if it were for number one this would not be a problem. This was the wrong day to have the entire Chinese buffet for lunch and you knew this but we like to live dangerously, don’t we?

3.       Talking behind someone’s back and they show up right when you are finishing up- this one has gotten me at least once a month since I turned twenty. I just don’t get it, I mean these people would never even come within ten feet of me normally but the moment I say one bad thing about them they want to be my BFF. Now you could probably play it off if the crowd you were with had any idea of how to act normal but they decide to go all silent and act about as weird as a human being possibly could. If you’ve been in this situation you know the rest of the story.

4.       You get caught watching naughty internet “photos/videos” by your wife- this creates a silence like no other. You could actually hear an ant pass gas during this silence. You scramble in your head to find any excuse what so ever but you can’t come up with anything.  Then it hits you “these darn pop ups, I don’t know why they won’t stop” just as she notices the timer that says that fifteen minutes have elapsed. Guess who’s sleeping on the couch again.

5.        You are driving and someone pulls out in front of you- now you are very fired up! You begin cursing and riding their bumper. You are yelling and screaming while flipping them the bird. You see them shrug in the mirror as if to say “what did I do”? Then your girlfriend in the passenger seat has had enough of your rant. She looks at you and says “why did you run that stop sign”? At this time you look in the mirror and realize that you are an idiot!

6.       You are taking a shower for a dinner party at your place that begins at six- it is almost five and you are ahead of schedule for once. You finish up in the bathroom and as you always do you walk to your bedroom in the nude. You look and you have no underwear so you walk down stairs to the laundry room. As you reach the bottom of the stairs (still in your birthday suit because your wife thinks it’s cute)and turn the corner into the kitchen your guest have arrived early, so you think. Your mother in law comes out of the kitchen and gets the money shot (She doesn’t find it as cute as your spouse does, shocking I know). You run back to your room and begin to thumb through the yellow pages for a therapist. Your significant other comes up to remind you about your conversation two days prior that the time had changed to five. Then she asks (as if your life weren’t already as bad as it could get) “did you pick up my parents thirtieth anniversary present”?  “Oops”.

7.       You show up at your girlfriend’s house – and there is another guy walking out the door with her. You come face to face with her. There is a long silence, it is broken by her voice “oh, didn’t you check your Face book”? Are you kidding me? Face book? Really? Is it even legal to break up with someone over Face book? Oh by the way, next time please send a private message, I really don’t need the entire Face book nation knowing I have E. D.

8.       You get so drunk that you crap you pants. Enough said.

9.       You are a shoo in for an award. It is time for the announcement. You begin to loosen up and prepare for you big acceptance speech. You have been waiting for what seems to be a month. It is time, the announcement comes and you stand up and begin walking to the isle when you see another person walking onto the stage. Everyone is looking at you like you are an idiot (when five seconds ago they thought you won too) so you continue walking to the exit and get to the front of the line at the after party.

10.   You’re at your girlfriend’s house when you receive divorce papers- this probably wouldn’t be that awkward if your girlfriend knew you were married in the first place.

1) The Eldest Child

Advantages:

The “eldest” child is the trend setter. If the “eldest” child wears a shirt with ‘I’m stupid’ written on it, the rest of the pack follows the leader. The “eldest” child is given responsibility – makes them look grown up and more mature – but really, who cares if they really are grown up or mature. The “eldest” child is ALWAYS the centre of attention. They are given the first choice, be it picking out what jumper to wear or which pair of those hideous socks you get to choose. The “eldest” child is the smart one by default because they have “seen more of life”.

Disadvantages:

The “eldest” child can get away with nothing! There’s always that sob story of “setting an example for your younger siblings” that sticks to them ALL their lives. The “eldest” child is also always under scrutiny for the best behaviour out in a party or something. Who cares if the other children dipped their chicken salad in the custard at a posh party? If the “eldest” child does it, they are bound to get a few harsh words eventually.

2) The Middle Child

Advantages:

The “middle” child is always the one who can sink into the shadows and disappear when the other kids get the blame. They are always put in a situation where they don’t have to set an example for any one or they don’t even have to follow it. The “middle” child always gets to play the angel. Let the older sibling get the blame because of what the “middle” child did to the younger one. The “middle” child is the one who is the best behaved because the others naturally expect the “middle” child to have the maturity of the older sibling and the innocence of the younger one. If there is more than one “middle” child, the “middle” child always has their own little group of “middlehood”.

Disadvantages:

The “middle” child is always the “middle” child. Overshadowed by the others. Sometimes, no one really cares about the “middle” child because let’s face it, you are far too normal to be in a family. The “middle” child is the one who is often forgotten because they can slip in and out of situations at ease so sometimes, it’s best just to not keep them in account of the grand scheme of things. Don’t scoff at this, “middle” children out there, you secretly know this is true!

3) The Youngest Child

Advantages:

The “youngest” child is the most spoilt! No one wants to hurt the “youngest” child because the “youngest” child is always the most cunning and the most angelic. The “youngest” child could do no wrong. All they have to is point the finger at the others if they have to in a sticky situation. The “youngest” child is the one who gets away with everything. They have nothing to fear because they will always have backup (the other siblings) to cover for them. And the other siblings can’t say ‘no’ because that would mean violating the “code” of siblingship. The “youngest” one is often the one who gets what he/she wants. If the “youngest” child does something wrong, the parents are always quick to say “He/She is only a child!” And when the “youngest” child is 42 and still living with their parents, the “youngest” is still “only a child”.

Disadvantages:

The “youngest” child has to follow the crowd every single time. When the “eldest” child sets an example, they are obliged to follow it. The “youngest” child is the one who can’t think for themselves, just because they aren’t allowed to.  The “youngest” child is never given the first choice in anything and most of the times responsibility is never given to the “youngest” child. The “youngest” can be bullied by the others as the ‘spoilt’ one and often ostracised from the rest of the group. The “youngest” can also be compared to the others constantly and be overshadowed too.

4) The Only Child

Advantages:

The “only” child has it all. They are spoilt and loved by their parents. They are given all the freedom that they could ever want because the parents don’t want to ‘hurt’ their ‘poor little baby’. They are given the responsibility and Nan and Grandpa will always love the “only” child because he or she can carry the most divine manners. The “only” child has no one else whom they are compared to. They can think for themselves and they can act for themselves. The “only” child is given the latest iPod only by asking for it. The “only” child can get away with anything too and all they have to do is say ‘sorry’.

Disadvantages:

Secretly at school, not very many people like the “only” child because they are jealous of the latest Gucci coat that the “only” child has. The “only” child can get really bored over the summer because they have no one to play with or no one to gossip with. The “only” child is also meant to behave really well and even though they can get away with misbehaviour, it is often optimum if they have the best polished shoes on and the best neatly brushed hair. The “only” child is the sole carrier of the parents dreams and ambitions for their “only” child so the “only” child must stick to accomplishing them.

You are bound to be in one of those situations at some point in your life and you will find that if not all, at least some of it is true! So stop moaning about why you are disadvantaged as a child with your position in the family and stop whinging about why your siblings are so advantaged as a child with their position in the family and live with it! The truth of the matter is – no matter what child you are, you’ll never win!

With the economy the way it is, the competition among panhandlers must be fierce.  These ”street associates” get creative to get a handout.

Sure he’s a straight talker, but still…

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Maybe a pistol would be more economical.

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I wonder what those research papers look like.

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He gets points for originality, and his clothes will keep you guessing on what era he stepped out of.

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Excellent use of reverse psychology.

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To be honest, that isn’t much different from my last job.

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Signs That Probably Aren’t Real But Should Be

It’s a European Carryall!

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Not since the classic “Pegasus Crossing” have geeks been so jazzed to see a sign.

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To me, the best part of this sign is just how zen the cow is about what is happening.

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Replace Those Lightbulbs!

That’s actually a really good price…must be a volume business.

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How is this even relevant?  Where are they getting this “steak” from?

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Accidental Profanity From  Asian Restaurants  Um, these are pretty self-explanatory…Oh, like you’re so mature!

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Bad Spelling  Next time you complain about higher taxes, just think what a bargain education gets you in America.

This child was left behind… far behind.

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“Excetions” isn’t in my English to Spanish dictionary so I have no idea what the hell this means.

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Finally!  I’m so tired of the same old chips and dip…

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And the problem is simple; we’ve forgotten how to laugh. Everything is serious! Hell, the world’s going to end in three years! But in the meantime, here’s a reprieve. A chance to sit back, relax, and laugh till you piss yourself. Enjoy.

This is, bar none, the funniest woman in the history of television. I almost laughed myself into a coronary.

Hidden camera pranks are always cool.

Dave Chapelle is always funny. Maybe a bit more when you’re tossed, but even not…

Ok… Not only does this retarded woman nosedive into the sinkhole puddle from hell, but she follows it up by walking into said sinkhole (the one that just swallowed her car) and sporting a look of surprise as it swallows her, too!

This is just how it goes down when I get to whoopin’ people.

I have a deep seeded respect for level headed journalists.

This woman has been married to Ozzy for like 30 years. Ozzy. Did it not occur to the bimbo that Sharon Osbourne might just do something awful to her?

Kind of an odd ball… not really funny. But I figure if you’ve gotten this far, you probably enjoy Family Guy, so…

Further proof, as if we needed it, that Alex Trebek is awesome. And for the record, that was a correct answer.

Jimmy Kimmel, making fun of censorship, and indecency. Everything you need.

This has been my screen saver at work for years.

And we end with the funniest man in history…

There… hope that helped. Take time to laugh. Maybe if the assholes in the White House and the morons in the Taliban and all of these other political phallus wavers would just sit down, have a beer or two… and f*ckin laugh some, the world wouldn’t be the disaster area it is…

The presence of other people always screws them up. 

It doesn’t matter if you are hiking, rock climbing, playing Axis and Allies, or what.  If it involves other people, there is always at least one idiot who won’t take it seriously, or always has to ‘win’, or for some reason or other makes you want to kick their head in. In relationships this is true as well, but that’s another article.

So anyway, it’s 2009, and the problem of finding good entertainment is worse than ever. We’re in a depression, and can’t afford anything fun. Doing things outside is dicey, since a lot of us live in areas where the weather is terrible most of the time, and even when the weather is good, people on the street will beat you senseless and rob you. Not because those people need the money, but because it’s like saying hello – at least here in Wilmington, and where you live probably isn’t too much different. 

It’s hell. So under circumstances like this, what do you do to entertain yourself that is safe, cheap, and involves as little human interaction as possible?

Why, there’s only one thing you can do… go back to your roots, acquire a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons, and play it by yourself!

Why is this Hobby Awesome?

1. Every guy with even the slightest bit of imagination, deep inside, loves the concept of Dungeons and Dragons. Even if you don’t like fantasy, you get to kill things, take their crap, and face no consequences. Even most women would like the experience if they really gave it a try. Well, probably not. Screw them.

2. Rolling dice, writing stuff down, and having some interest in doing so will take you back in time if you’re over 30. You’ll feel like you’re 11 again. If you’re under 30 and have spent some time being broke, it might do the same.

3. You’ll get to use your imagination, which does not get exercised at all by computer games (except for roguelikes which you also need to play, if you haven’t already). With a pen and paper experience, you can picture the damp, dark hallways and imagine the groups confusion when surprised by some giant, nasty beastie. If you want to get all nerdy about it, you can even maintain a history of what your individual characters accomplish, so that they get some depth over time and take on some life.

4. It’s free and you can do it anywhere as long as you have a flat surface and your materials. You don’t even need electricity. As long as you have light, you can do it in a basement while drinking tea, for chrissake. Any hobby which can be performed in a basement with a cup of tea next to you is Win.

Why wouldn’t I want to tell anyone that I do this?

1. It’s Dungeons and Dragons, and you’re probably a reasonably functioning adult. You not only will get laughed at, you will also become re-acquainted with another activity that you indulged in as a kid – getting your ass kicked by people who are bigger than you are. And that’s just the men… all that is nothing compared to how girls will treat you.

2. It’s an activity which is designed for more than one person, and you’re doing it by yourself. Something like that never looks good. Does having a tea party by yourself look good? Does playing football by yourself look good? No, it doesn’t. So stay quiet.

3. You’re going to be playing a version of Dungeons and Dragons which went out of print about 20 years ago (I’ll get into why later). It means that even game nerds, who are on the absolute bottom of the social totem pole, will spit on you because they will not consider you to be relevant.

Wow! Playing a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons by myself sounds Awesome as long as I don’t tell anyone! How do I do it?

You need the following materials:

First Edition D&D Players Handbook, Dungeon Masters Guide, and Monster Manual (All available on E-Bay for about $40 total)

Dice which have the following number of sides: (4, 6 (get 3 of them), 8, 10 (get 2 of these), 12, and 20). They should be available at your local gaming store for about $5 total. Yes, they still have gaming stores if you look. They’re like peep shows… the people who have that need, know where to go to fulfill it. And just like peep shows, you’ll see a lot of awkward, pasty looking men scuttling out of the front door with brown paper bags under their arms. Don’t look anyone in the eye.

A table, a pencil, some paper, and a room where you can be sure that no one will walk in on you. Wherever you go to look at porn is probably the ideal place for something like this, too.

Some randomly generated dungeons which can be found at http://donjon.bin.sh/d20/dungeon/. The resulting dungeons are created for a rule set which is much newer than yours will be, but it’s easy enough to create house rules on any monsters/experience points which are not covered specifically in the dungeon descriptions. Commercial dungeons made for solo adventures are also OK, but there aren’t many of them and a disproportionate amount of them suck.

A critical hit table which can be found here:http://www.angelfire.com/dragon3/vinifera/critical_hit_table_2e.pdf . What that will do is, if an attack against a monster (or against you) is really, really successful, it can result in an arm being sliced off or something – which adds to the flavor big time.

Then play away, Dungeon Master! Don’t read the room descriptions, just move around the map and read each description as you enter. If a room contains a secret door or hidden treasure, roll a 6 sided die for every party member – if you roll a one, the door or treasure is detected. Create groups of at least 8 characters, because with bad luck and critical hits, the mortality rate will be high.

Warnings

Dungeons and Dragons has a lame reputation for a reason. If there is anything you take from all this, read the following and be sure to remember it well!

First of all, I am not talking about playing D&D in a group. Do not finish this article then run out and join the first pack of neckbeards that you can find. You will suffer, and everyone around you will suffer, and the most tragic aspect of it all will be that it could have been avoided.

Let me explain:

D&D was originally based on miniature war gaming. When it was first conceived of, play was 99% built around the idea that you go into some dark hole, indiscriminately kill monsters who are all ugly and all bad, become more skilled, then crawl into another dark hole to apply what you learned in the last one. Simple, right? It’s more than simple, it’s Awesome. In fact, everything should work like that. Life would be much shorter, but it would be interesting and have some sort of meaning.

However, over time, the group game evolved away from that idea. Nowadays, the average D&D player is even more poorly adjusted to society than I am. They don’t like fighting monsters unless the odds overwhelmingly favor them. They throw fits if their characters die, and worst of all, they enjoy going into imaginary towns and posturing in front of imaginary villagers. This causes conversations that are so lame, so ridiculous, that they defy description. For example, once in a while you’ll get some guy who wants his character to get laid, so he sits in a tavern and tries and get with some buxom tavern wench who is, of course, being played by a another neckbeard who is sitting on the other side of the table behind a cardboard screen. Neither the person playing the male character or the one playing the buxom wench has any experience with women and dating. The banter at the table goes like this:

Keith: “OK Seth, so you go into a tavern and sit down. This girl comes over to you and she’s got really big boobs and long black hair… ummm… and she stands close to you and she’s like, ‘Hey’.”

Seth: “What’s her comeliness?”

The crackling sound of rolling dice issues from behind the cardboard screen. I am seated at the middle of the table between the two neckbeards and look down at my hands with a grim expression, since I know how this story will end. I set my lips into a tight line and begin using the dice in front of me to build little towers, in an effort to ignore the conversation.

Keith: “15. No, she’s hotter than that, like 16, 17.”

Seth (blushing): “Dayummmmmm! Hehehehe. OK, so I say ‘hey’.”

Keith (as Buxom Wench): “Hey… ummm… you’re really hot. What’s your name?”

Seth (in his deepest voice): “I am Lord Comforter, prince of Down and hero of Qwertyuiop, and I am at your service!

Seth again: “Hey Keith, I like, lean over and press up against her boob to let her know I like her.”

Keith (giggling and blushing): “OK. So she presses back and leans over so you can see down her dress and then she’s like, ermm… That’s a big sword you have there. Do you have any other.. ummmmmmmmmm…. weapons?”

Seth (flustered): “Well, I have this bow and erm, a magical war hammer, and ermmmmm… ”

Keith (blushing so hard that he can barely talk): “No, Seth, she didn’t mean it like that. She meant it like…”

The conversation is broken by the sound of breaking glass. I have just smashed a bottle on the edge of the table, and am waving the jagged end at the other players with a wild gleam in my eye. Again.

Me: “For the love of God… that’s enough. Stop. OK? You need to stop. I will kill you both!”

10% of group Dungeons and Dragons is enjoyable. The rest consists of interactions just like that and you will end them just like I do, by threatening to kill people and being 100% serious about it. Where I’m going with all this is that while playing on your own is awesome, playing in a group is not the same experience.

Second, I am not talking about playing a new version of Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, I know you’re by yourself, but show some self-respect and play like a man. You want an old as hell version, with rudimentary character classes, rules that are simple and written by guys who would have done so for free, and no character motivation other than a desire to clean out random dungeons, kill stuff, and get more powerful. It’s that, or it’s nothing at all. Role playing and using exotic characters smacks of having a tea party with dolls, and you will have none of it if you want to have a Socially Frowned Upon hobby that is Awesome and not one that sucks.

So that’s it. You are now ready to play a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons in the most Awesome way possible – one that involves no kind of interaction at all with other people. Now get out there, cover a table with weird looking dice, homemade character sheets, and some crude rulebooks that are at least 25 years old, and get to it! 

And don’t tell anyone.

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There are many people who love being scared out of their wits because they like the adrenalin rush.  They will do most anything to be terrified.  Their attitude is the scarier the feat is the better.

I don’t feel that way.  I don’t like to be scared.  I don’t like to be “at risk.”  I felt I was lucky to survive the Vietnam War.  Further I am a bit of a coward.

To that end I offer you five things I will not do.  However to show you I am not a total coward I will tell you five things I will do.

I will not parachute dive.  Why is this?  Simply the parachute may not open.  The parachute may be faulty or it may have been packed incorrectly.  Human error causes a lot of deaths.

I will not climb mountains.  They are high and they are slippery.  If you are lucky enough to make it to the top you may get attacked by the Abominable Snowman, hit by a plane or run into real bad weather so that the wind blows you off the mountain.

I will not swim the English Channel.  There are jellyfish and they sting really, really bad.

I would not bungee jump.  I would be afraid of hitting something hard on the rebound.

I would not disobey my wife.

As I said however there are certainly risks that I am willing to take to keep my dignity.

I am willing to play a rousing game of checkers.  I know it is possible to get jumped and knocked off the board but I will face that fearlessly.

I will eat two doughnuts despite the dangerous calories.  I take my life in my hands but it is a risk I am willing to take.

I will put the toilet paper on the roller even though I risk my wife passing out and falling on an object that would spin up and hit me.

I would order a pizza.  I know I would run the risk of a bad person coming to the door but I am willing to try.

I am willing to try and break my record for the longest afternoon nap.  You may miss out on a variety of important things but I am willing to risk it.

Yes there are things I am afraid to do and refuse to do but there are many things that I will do that I think redeem me.

And then when you got back, you’d tell your students there was an emergency in the faculty room, probably something to do with coffee cake, or an incident down at “central.” Back then, your day would not revolve around eating and sleeping but around whacking and tossing. “Should I go to the movie with Jeanette at eight,” you’d ask yourself, “or might that conflict with my ten-thirty spank session?” Invariably, you’d play it safe and stay home.

Now, unfortunately, things are different. Now masturbation is just a perfunctory exercise in self-loathing. You never want to do it—or rather, you never want to want to do it—but still, it happens somehow. And it barely even feels good anymore. Every underwhelming release feels not like the magical fulfillment of a primal physical need but rather the merciful end of a self-imposed punishment, the sad punch-line of some big goddamn cosmic joke. “Well, I guess I can stop now,” you say, wondering how much a pistol and one bullet would cost down at the pawn shop.

Well, friends, don’t reach for that pistol just yet—but don’t get rid of it just yet, either—because I’ve developed these ways to turn back the clock to the golden age of masturbation. Or at least turn masturbation from something you dread into something you might kind of look forward to.

1. Go Public

   Because the fear of being caught will inject excitement into even the most lifeless sexual activity. So go buy yourself a nice trench coat—you’ll find it in the “Exhibitionist-wear” department at JCPenney—and search your neighborhood for nice, thick shrubs that will offer a serviceable screen for your sordid, pathetic activity. You may even want to cut a hole in one of your pants pockets so that you can do the deed while at, say, a local pizzeria, or a lecture about compost and green living, without anyone else being the wiser. Well, your audience might suspect something’s up when you’re about to climax (which you should aim to coincide with the culmination of your speech)—“So in conclusion, I believe, oh shit, that, uh, the use of compost, oooh shit, is, oh God, oh my God I’m coming I’m coming fuuuck, related inextricably to, uh, green living”—but they’ll tolerate it, as long as the rest of your lecture was informative and well-structured.

2. Turn It Into a Game

   Change the predictable, certain result of masturbation—tears, depression, binge-eating—into an uncertain one—win or lose, succeed or fail. This unpredictability, this element of challenge, will keep you interested in the game. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

   • See if you can beat it with one hand while beating minesweeper—on the hardest level, obviously—with the other.
   • Try to do it while balancing a stack of your grandmother’s old cookbooks on your head.
   • See if you can recite the whole Gettysburg address before you finish.
   • See if you can go the whole way without any thoughts of suicide.
   • See if you can do it while jumping rope with the neighborhood kids. Only do Double Dutch if you’re really confident, though, because that’s how my buddy Rick ended up losing a nut.

   And while none of these will actually make masturbation any more pleasurable in itself, they all will make the entire experience more enjoyable. Eventually, you may even decide to drop the masturbation part altogether and just play the games for themselves—playing minesweeper while reciting the Bill of Rights with a stack of TV Guides balanced on your head.

3. Get an Audience

   Whether you’re doing it for your fellow tenants in the cellar of your apartment building, on the internet via webcam for thousands of Asian men, or at your local community theater, performing in front of others will certainly kick things up a few notches. Having all those eyes on you will make you feel pretty, like a teenage girl on prom night, or pitied and loathed, like a bearded woman in a dirty carnival cage. Either way, though, it’ll get you some attention, which will be a nice change of pace.

   And if you decide to perform at the local theater, it’ll give you an opportunity to show off your acting chops, too. You could do a scene from Death of a Salesman as you abuse your body, although you might only have enough time for four or five lines, so choose wisely. I generally opt to play Mrs. Loman, because I feel it forces the audience to reconsider their normative conceptions of gender, and of masturbation-theater as a legitimate dramatic genre. But you may do as you like.

4. Give Yourself a Little Reward Afterward

   If nothing else seems to work, you can try some good old-fashioned Skinnerian positive reinforcement. Every time you finish whacking it, give yourself a cracker, or a candy bar, or let yourself watch an extra episode of Home Improvement before bedtime. Soon enough, your brain will associate the pleasure gained from eating the cracker or watching Tim Allen with the pleasureless act of playing with yourself. You’ll become like a demented version of one of Pavlov’s dogs, getting an erection whenever you see candy bars or hear someone utter the words “Tool Time.” But the bottom line is, you’ll want to masturbate again—even if really, you just want some crackers and cheese—and that’s all we’re going for.

5. Combine Masturbation and Crime

   After a while, doing it in public or in front of a live studio audience will lose its transgressive appeal, and adding other illegal activity to the equation is a great way to get back that edge. So give it a go while you’re double-parked beside a school bus, or fudging your tax forms, or illegally downloading episodes of All in the Family. You’ll be surprised by how much fuel this adds to the fire. Before you know it, you’ll be committing grand theft auto and jerking it as you speed away from a team of cop cars in fast pursuit. “What the hell’s he doing in there?” one of the cops will ask his partner. “I don’t know,” the partner will respond, “but it looks like he’s having one hell of a time.” And good God, he’ll be right.

Which isn’t to say that masturbation will be all that it once was. No, sadly, you can’t get back into Eden. But with these little tricks, you can at least make sure your solitary love life isn’t a living hell.

Brenda: I wanted to name you Brandy, but not ready to admit I’m an alcoholic.

Cameron: I loved Ferris Buhler’s Day Off… but your father wouldn’t let me name you Ferris.

Damien: I hate my Catholic mother-in-law.

Ethan: I wanted a girl.

Felix: I was a goth chick for a year in high school.

Grant: I had to eliminate all names of guys I’d slept with… and Grant was the only one left.

Heidi: I will be dying your hair blonde… whether you like it or not.

India: I’m really deep…and original… and I have a Japanese symbol tattoo, and I don’t know what it stands for.

Jayden: If I don’t lose this pregnancy weight, I’m going to force you into beauty pageants.

Kylie: I have a fetish for Australian men.

Landon: You better not keep me from getting my PHD.

Madison: I look to America for what my opinion should be. Vanilla ice cream, silver SUVs and Ben Stiller movies.

Nathan: I let your grandma name you. She tricked me when I was 8 months pregnant… and drunk.

Orphelia: Yes, I do hope you get beat up in school as much as I did… it will make you a stronger… (I heart Sylvia Platt).

Paige: I am very smart, and very modest about it (I do have a huge IQ, not that it matters… but I do)

Reagan: I’m the founder of the Rush Limbaugh fan club. I’ve already bought baby t-shirts that say “made in America”. My favorite hobby is ironing my husband’s clothes.

Serenity: I think it’s time this country legalized marijuana… and I think pot should be totally cool, too… oh… and did I mention what I think about marijuana?

Tiffany: Oh… you’d have probably been a slut no matter what I named you.

Veronica: I had a fortune teller tell me what to name you… she also said one day you’ll travel a long distance.

Walter: I had to name you after grandpa or I wouldn’t get the inheritance.

Zack: I still have my Junior High trapper keeper with a picture inside of Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

Don’t forget amenities such as the fitness center with a big screen tv and broken down equipment. There’s also the 2 foot deep swimming pool out back that gets cleaned every week or two. Bleach is expensive, you know – unless you buy it at the dollar store where you do your weekly shopping.

And the friendly, helpful staff is important too. They are always there for those late-night drug busts (pharmaceutical transactions) that happen across the hall. They give the police all the important information in case there’s a mixup with the “pharmaceutical transaction” and assure you that you’ll get another room close to the “misguided uncle” who faithfully checks in with his probation officer every week. And, if you’re really lucky, the friendly staff will even pick up last night’s sushi dinner that another guest has left in the hallway for everyone to enjoy.

Good times – good times.

Oh, almost forgot, the kitchen equipment is to DIE FOR! If there’s an electrical short and a major fire occurs, you’re assured a free night’s stay at a sister location that hasn’t burned down. And they might even throw in fire-proof blankets for your double-sized bed with cigarette burned sheets imprinted with swastikas from a previous skinhead (White Race Freedom Fighter, or the local representative of the National Association for the Advancement of White People – NAAWP).

But be forewarned, if the fire alarm doesn’t go off and you get burned alive in your luxurious suite, the maid won’t find your charred body for a week. Your family won’t mind. Hey, you’ll already be cremated, so it will save them on funeral costs. No need for a mortician.

If you get hungry through the night and don’t have Mrs. Freshley’s snacks on hand, you can always gather the critters from your room, fry them up and cover them in chocolate and have a gourmet meal. Bobby Flay will then want to have a throwdown challenge with you on who can cook the best critters. Who knows? You might become the next Food Network Star after you display your culinary ability at cooking gourmet meals for under a $1.00.

I could tell you the name of these hotels, but then I would have to kill you.