First of all a succinct definition of “Yes Men”: Yes Men are men and women who say “yes” to everything you do, agree with everything you say and are always delighted to be of service, meet you or talk to you. Yes Men put you first or, at least, give you the impression that they do. This is fine on the surface but Yes Men will never give you an objective answer and will support you in anything you do (either that or understand the motivations you had in doing anything). By anything, we don’t just mean acts which could be classified as good, charitable or necessary for the well-being of more people than the acts will harm others. Yes Men will agree with and encourage you to commit bad acts, including neglecting your family and neighbours, ruining other people’s lives and not excluding damn right evil act.

Spot the Yes Men Surrounding Celebrities and Pop Stars

Many pop stars and celebrities surround themselves with Yes Men. This is not a coincidence because the reality of Yes Men is they are self serving and into immediate self gratification.

Image via Wikipedia  Are demanding celebrities surrounded by Yes Men

The Problems Caused by Yes Men

The problems Yes men cause are quite obvious – if you’re not surrounded by Yes Men and, if you are, can be honest about their existence. Yes Men will abandon ship as soon as the going gets tough and attach themselves to others who will serve them better in the short term. However, once they have jumped ship it is usually too late for the person the Yes Men have abandoned.

Identify and Deal with Yes Men

So, the first part of dealing with Yes Men is being able to identify who they are. If you’re a successful business person, a celebrity or pop star, chances are you are already surrounded by them. If the Yes men haven’t caused the sickness they cause and turned you into an arrogant, selfish and foolish individual who cares nothing for others – you should be able to spot them. The Yes Men are the ones who are doing very well for themselves on the back of you, your influence or money. You can easily spot them. First think up a ridiculous project, second tell them that you are going ahead with it and third ask them if you should. Their answer will be a resounding yes!

The Importance of Dealing with Yes Men

Yes Men are like a cancer which has blighted society (all societies) throughout History. They skew people’s opinions of themselves and allow them to make ridiculous decisions. The world would be a better place if only the Yes Men syndrome was acknowledged and dealt with. Don’t you become the next victim of the Yes Man.

Signs You are Surrounded by Yes Men and Their Characteristics

Look around you, are your old friends anywhere to be seen? If they are not then the chances are you are already infected by Yes Men. Yes Men always get rid of old friends and will attempt to isolate you from your family.

The characteristics of Yes Men – apart from saying “yes” continually are flattery and of course, they never say “no” to you.

Other Terms for Yes Men

Brown nosers, butt lickers and sycophants are just some other terms for Yes Men.

The format of the show sees twelve, mentally unstable, 18-25 year old men hoping to clinch the top prize of blowing out an American High School.

Contestants have to prove they are most suited for the role by demonstrating an ability of tasks, including firearm handling and editing a pre-massacre You Tube video.

It is a first for the reality talent show format, as the participants are all mentally disturbed before the programme begins rather than after it.

A UK version has already been discussed, with high-standing pin-up Andrew Lloyd-Webber and the popular serpent Piers Morgan lined up to be hosts.

Only four people achieved grade A at A-Level this year, leading to shadow schools minister Gary Parry to say that teachers were, fundamentally, shit.

He also criticised the use of Microsoft PowerPoint version 1, stating that the poor graphical interface was causing the system to freeze and that the few decent teachers were spending half the lesson climbing up the face of the twenty foot computers to press the restart button.

Conservative Schools Minister Edward Headwood has stated that he is disappointed with the lack of academic achievement in the education system and that a Green Paper has already been put in front of Parliament to be scrutinized by MPs in attempt to rectify the situation.

Make Exams Easy Bill (MEEB), which is likely to be accepted by all parties, aims to gradually decrease the difficulty of exams each year in order for it to appear that all the money spend on education is being used effectively.

Part of the proposals includes adding a new qualification called an AS-Level, half an A-Level in order to make those who are thick at least feel like they’ve achieved something even if everyone knows they haven’t.

Amanda Sandra, spokeswoman for the union TAS (Teachers Aren’t Shit) spoke of the current crisis: “Whilst we welcome the new proposals to make our members’ jobs easier, despite them clearly being overpaid for the tiny amount of work they actually do, we do feel they deserve a bit of praise.’

“They have been coming to terms with new computer systems, some are still struggling not to hit the children and they are spending a greater amount of time nowadays chasing paedophiles away from schools.

“A lot of teachers are now also in relationships with their students, so in fact, some pupils are receiving much more tuition than ever before.

“Ideally, what our members would like to see is more time off.”

Prime-woman-minister Margaret Thatcher has also promised to help and has announced she will take immediate action to do something that will irritate people in later years.

Paschal La-Di-Dah, regarded as one Britain’s brainiest students, and most likely to be a gay when it comes more sociably acceptable, received the first grade A in the newly introduced Video Studies. He said: “I’m really surprised with my result. I did nothing, literally nothing. ”

“But apparently that made up 90 per cent of the marks on the course.”

When asked whether the easier exams would see an overwhelming increase in the amount people applying for university places, Edward Headwood (who is also half-robot) said: “People aren’t that clever, and they’ll not be getting any more cleverer when MEEB comes in.’

“Dumbing-down universities would be the only way that could happen.”

Below is an example of a current English exam question, and how the same question will look in twenty years.

Current

The Tempest

1. How far and in what ways do you see family relationships as a central concern of The Tempest?

In the course of your answer:

• explain clearly how the play presents family relationships;

• comment on what the play suggests about family conflicts

(50 Marks)

Future

The Tempest

1. What is The Tempest?

(Circle the correct answer)

a) A book

b) A shoe

(50 Marks)

Power is now firmly in the hands on the uneducated, heavily armed, juvenile delinquents, lovingly nurtured into hardcore, violent criminals by the namby-pamby New Labour ex-government, and their open refusal to punish crime. Statistics show less than 20% of the population are British born, and Christianity – having been replaced by radical Islam – is an underground religion, practiced secretly by those too narrow-minded to embrace change (old people… they’re all the same). Council houses are reserved exclusively for gypsies, asylum-seekers and convicted paedophiles (there’s no point sending them to prison, they’re just ill); inner-city areas resemble scenes from District 9.

Source

Education (in the few areas it’s still available) is a guarded operation, with teachers sitting behind bullet-proof glass, children wearing full body-armour, and an army of translators at the ready. The NHS collapsed years ago, under the strain of immigration, and health-care is now administered solely by African witch-doctors. Civilised adults have resorted to leaving their securely boarded-up homes only in large gangs, or in tanks, provided by the army (while completely unsuitable for use in the war against Afghanistan, they seem to protect adequately enough from children). The army itself is now boasting such fine military planners as the two jolly nice prospective young terrorists found not guilty of planning, threatening, and owning all the materials necessary, to blow up their school, in the hope of killing hundreds of innocent school friends and teachers. They were cured with activity weekends and free games consoles, paid for by tax-payers – like their teachers, and the parents of their school-friends…

Image via Wikipedia

The newly elected Lib-Dem government - voted in after the late Conservative leader, David Cameron, was discovered to be nothing but a holographic image, projected by the President of America (as was Tony Blair), in a deliberate attempt to control our country from afar – are importing drugs, which they swapped for arms with the Afghans, and dropping them into the city streets in order to keep the children as calm and controlled as possible. They still believe there’s some way out of this mess… they always were an optimistic bunch.

Image via Wikipedia

Anyone who was able to (including the entire New Labour government – who grew rich from robbing the people, and the entire Conservative party – for whom it’s always been mandatory to own a castle, with a moat) jumped ship years ago. Now only the poorest (and the craziest) of the once proud population remain, along with millions of visually-impaired elderly folk who were imprisoned up to a decade ago, for recycling offences (such as accidentally disposing of a potato peeling in the box designated for tin cans).

Image via Wikipedia

Suicide by wheelie bin is now the only option.

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We did multiple polls on message boards such as Gamespot, 1UP, and IGN, asking if they were straight, gay, or bisexual.  The results were astounding.  The poll results showed that there were more gay owners who own the Wii more than any other console.  After completely the study, we asked them why they like the Wii over the 360/Playstation 3.  They told us they didn’t like how 360/PS3 games had so many dark games with brown/black/grey color palettes.  Usually straight men like games with darker colors because it makes them feel more manly and adult.  While we noticed that gay people tend to enjoy brighter color palettes such as red, yellow, orange, etc in games such as Super Mario Galaxy.  I once knew someone who was gay and he always talked about the colors and art styles of videogames.  The more stylish and artistic, the more gay people are more willing to play that game.  While another friend of mine who was straight, cared more if the visuals were realistic and looked like real life.  Straight people like graphics to look more like real life and less cartoonish.  Straight tend to enjoy games involving killing people or sports, while gay people tend to enjoy games about running around in a colorful fantasy world full of talking animals, colorful creatures, and magic.  Now, this doesn’t mean all people who enjoy games like that gay.  But I believe most of them are.

Gay people love to make great gourmet food and the Wii allows them to do that in a videogame such as Cooking Mama.  Cooking Mama is a great game for homosexuals because it allows you to be a great chef and create excellent meals.  And best of all, there is a lot of pink in the game’s visuals which is another reason gays will feel right at home with this game.

Another game that the gay community will love in Animal Crossing: City Folk.  This game is a gay person’s dream come.  You can be a fashion designer without worrying about people calling you a derogatory names.  Just the opposite.  The animals condone you to make the best fashion around.  Want to be an interior decorator and design wallpaper and decorate the inside of your home?  This game has it.  And not only that, the better you design the interior of your house, the better scores you will get.  Another thing that gay people will love is the ability to invite their friends into the town they created, and have a voice chat session using Wii Speak technology to talk about all the cute guys at the mall, and talk about the tightness of the new pair of leather pants that they bought.

If these games do not suit you, there is one game called Cho Aniki that will make the blood of any homosexual man get horny.  This game is called Cho Aniki for the Turbo Graphix 16 system.  You can buy it on the Wii’s Virtual Console.  I could describe what the game is about, but why should I when it only needs one picture to persuade the gay community to buy a Wii for this game.

If you need any more reason that the Wii is the most gay friendly system, Nintendo is one of the few companies to make a gay character.  His name is Tingle and he likes to skip and hop around in a tight green costume and giggle when young boys ask him for advice about their quests and adventures.

Don’t start a new gang.  There are no members in your gang but you and anyone who would join a brand new gang is on the outs with the other gangs who will now all gang up on you.

Don’t go over to a guard and point at another inmate and say “He hit me.”  This isn’t kindergarten.

Image via Wikipedia

Don’t offer to be a line dancer in the “Federal Follies.”

Don’t hang a poster in your cell of Roseanne or Ellen DeGeneres or Boy George.

Don’t offer a guard a cigarette.

When another inmate asks you what you are in for don’t say petty theft and writing a bad check.

Don’t do exercises in your cell to the music “Born Free.”

If the prison shows a movie don’t cry at the sad parts unless “Big Buck” cries then by all means don’t let him feel alone.

Anytime a group of inmates are walking across “the yard” go the other way.

Don’t cut in the chow line.  Don’t ask for seconds.  If Big Buck says the food sucks and won’t eat it, don’t you eat it.

Don’t give inmates your home address to “meet up on the outside.”

Do we have any illustrations we can learn from?

As a matter of fact we do.

Phil Spector the recording icon was an amazing force in the music of the 1960s because he developed a style called the “Wall of Sound.”  However Phil Spector is a “sickie.”

Spector had a habit of making starlets play Russian roulette.  Finally one blew her brains out and now Spector is doing 19 years.

Spector is insane but he is also the most moronic person I have ever read about.

Spector wrote a musician friend of his that he wanted a transfer because all the inmates were creeps and he said many other derogatory things about them.  His “friend” published the letter.  Does he think inmates don’t have access to newspapers and does he not understand that their families will tell them anything they don’t read?  Spector won’t leave his cell.  In that respect he is wise.

Anyway, don’t you be stupid like Spector.  Walk circumspectly so you can do your 15 months and then get a job bagging groceries.

There are things every man must learn to look for to possibly save his own life.  Always remember your kids love your wife more than you.

Don’t ever do work under the car if it is your wife who initiates it.  She has never taken an interest in the tail pipe why would she now?  You are in unique danger if she suggests jacking the car up.

You may want to cancel going to work if you see several fluids coming from under the car.  Clipped brake fluid lines as well as various engine fluids can cause deadly auto failure.  The last thing you will ever remember will be pumping your feet like mad right before you flew through the red light and into the path of the semi.

Anytime one of your children spontaneously breaks into tears and throws their arms around you beware.

Watch it if your wife suddenly decides to quit going to church because she says “I am at the point where I can only believe 9 of the 10 commandments.”

A visit by a good-looking, young and virile boy who is supposedly there to “fix the washer” is never a good sign.

You accidentally see your wife’s activity in a chat room because she forgot to sign out and you see her moniker is “Free Soon Babe.”

Image via Wikipedia

You catch her and the kids practicing a slow purposeful walk such as they might do at a funeral.

There are several ways she may choose to do it.

She may tell you she has taken up deer hunting and want to tie you to the grill to practice bring the animal home.  Once you’re mounted on the car you’re dead.

She volunteers to let you practice driving some golf balls in the park down the street but as you get in the car you think you hear something ticking.

You call in sick to your office and they say “He no longer works here.”

She asks you to a basketball game and tells you she is in a mood for a “rafter seat.”

A wife with no money can be way worse than a crime lord when it comes to ideas of death.

What can you do?  Ask for overtime.

The young lady disagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and bed rest. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire DVDs and
take some painkillers, the experts are recommending ibuprofen. [Ibuprofen currently seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu].

Other sufferers are reporting a McDonald’s SuperSize Meal with a thickshake followed by a vast quantity of chocolate and crisps may also prove to be a valuable remedy.

A possible remedy.

Thankfully, Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.

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When He spoke of His Father’s sudden, unexpected bout of schizophrenia, Jesus was obviously still in shock.

“We just never saw it coming,” He says while holding a weeping Mary, “He was fine one minute, you know? And then. . .bam! Like water to wine, He’s saying no God exists. We asked Him what He was talking about, but He just kept saying “God is dead” over and over. . .”

God’s angels, Gabriel and Michael among them, were unavailable for comment.

The Expert’s Opinion

When asked about God’s peculiar condition, psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, who drove up from Hell to treat the Lord, gave us this advice:

“When a being goes without sex for as long as God has–approximately 15 billion years–it is understandable that certain mental functions eventually become impaired. Though it is my professional opinion that God, having no father or mother, is beginning to view Himself the same as His father–in other words, God has projected the nonexistence of His father to Himself.”

Despite this grim diagnosis, Freud believes there might be hope.

“There is a chance He’ll come out of it if His mind ever passes this roadblock, but as to when or even if that will happen, it is too early to say.”

The Earthly Consequences

God’s ailment has affected more than the spiritual plane. In the wake of His Holiness’s incarceration, rates of atheism have skyrocketed, particularly in once-theistic communities.

“God cannot lie,” says Reverend Jittlepop, “so if God says God doesn’t exist, then God doesn’t exist.”

The Westboro Baptist Church, now a branch of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, echoes this sentiment with religious fervor.

“God hates theists,” says pastor-turned-English professor Fred Phelps, “America will be punished for their tolerance of such abominations.”

But not everybody believes God is truly sick.

Doctor Dicky Dawson, British biologist and once an atheist, shares his doubts.

“It’s rubbish, there’s no evidence this supporting God’s claim that there is no God, therefore it is best to assume until evidence shows otherwise that God does, in fact, exist.”

Dr. Dicky, author of “The God Reality,” spearheads the movement of individuals known as the New Theists.

“Atheism is delusional bullocks, and it’s high time we let rationality run our lives.”

Stepping Up Schizophrenia Awareness

Jesus, with the help of the Legion of Angels, has founded an organisation dedicated to schizophrenia awareness and research, called The Holy Foundation for Schizophrenia Research and Awareness (THFSRA).

“We never thought it could happen to us,” says Jesus. “We were wrong. And we don’t want the same thing to happen to someone else.”