2.  Wait until you get to the very front of the queue at the check-in desk and then suddenly remember half a dozen banned items in your carry-on luggage.  Open all your cases and begin re-packing procedures, making sure to spill most of your belongings all over the floor.

3.  Get one of those carry on cases with an extra long extendable handle and be sure to hold it behind you at arm’s length where you can be certain of tripping up the most people.  This is especially effective in the shopping area.

4.  Fill your arms with as many miscellaneous items as you can carry at the duty free shop.  When you get to the cash register spend ages fiddling in your purse/wallet until a major queue has built up and then ask if you can pay in a really obscure currency.  When you receive a negative answer from the cashier, simply say, “Oh, never mind then,” leave all the items on the counter and walk away dragging your over-sized carry-on bag precariously on its 8 foot handle.

5.  On the way to security, stop at Starbucks and order a bucket of whatever coffee suits your fancy.  Then try to take it through security.  When you are refused entry, insist on standing there holding up the queue until you have drunk the entire thing.  After all, you paid for it!

6.  Alternatively, stuff your carry-on bag with as many jumbo-sized bottles of shower gel and shampoo as you can carry.  When security stop you and refuse to let the items on the plane, offer to go to the bathroom and empty some from each bottle down the toilet until they all only have 100ml.  This should get everyone laughing along!

7.  Bring along a mobile phone, ipod with leaky earbuds, hand-held games console and any other potentially noisy electrical gadget you can find in your house.  Then go to the part of the airport where all the frazzled long-haul transfer passengers are trying to get a couple of hours sleep and turn them all on.  If you can listen to a humourous audio book on your headphones and occasionally laugh out loud, not only will it annoy people, it will also make them a little afraid of you, thus ensuring you those coveted empty seats to put all your bags on.

8.  Head purposefully towards every travelator and walk onto them with speed.  Then immediately stand stock still and put your bags down so that nobody can get past you.  At the end of the travelator it is imperative to dither while stepping off the walkway and then immediately stop to extend the handle on your bag, causing a pile up of disgruntled travellers behind you.  Then walk off, oblivious to the carnage.

9.  About ten minutes before your plane is due to board, randomly stand somewhere close to the embarkation point.  This will cause other nervous and sheep-like passengers to stand behind you forming a pointless queue when in reality they could all have stayed in their seats until the flight was actually called.

10.  When boarding the aircraft, make sure to take your time putting things in the overhead lockers while everybody else waits behind you in the tiny aisle.  If possible, change seats at least twice, moving all your belongings each time, and be sure to smash your enormous hard-edged carry-on case into somebody’s laptop bag in order to make it fit into the compartment, thus damaging their screen.  They won’t realise what’s happened until they get to their destination and by that time you’ll be long gone.

The sad thing is that most of these suggestions are drawn from things I’ve really seen at various airports around the world!  Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments below.

Or for some more gentle humour, try these articles by the same author:

Fans Who Love Their Team Too Much

Famous for all the Wrong Reasons

image source

It’s raining out, good thing the roads don’t get wet. Wait hold on take a look at the sign, you better be mighty careful. There is water on the road here, what are the odds? If you don’t have common sense then you would need this sign, but seriously is this needed? It is just a waste of time and metal. Who doesn’t know when it’s raining out the roads are wet.

image source

A sign that I can’t read and it seems they clearly know that too. If you didn’t see it, under the fifty arrows, there is a good luck sign. That’s mighty helpful, I need that luck for the rest of the day at this intersection. At least I can go fast past the other forty cars confused and stopping every few seconds.

image source

Anybody up for a dip, never mind we can’t go swimming here, the sign says so. Man, do you know how long I’ve wanted to swim in grass. Just imagine how good it would feel, rocks on your back, grass stains. It would be so much fun, but since there is a sign we can go. Seriously, no one needs this sign to tell them not to swim in grass.

image source

Do you know what I love to do, blow my horn for no good reason. Just to annoy people around me, I am going to blow my horn. Do these people know why we have horns? To tell people to get going, or ask what are you doing? Before people but signs up, think about what they say, it’s kind of the same way in writing. If it’s dumb don’t put it down.

image source

Don’t you just love how metal signs feel? They are so cold, but some how warming. But were going to need to be careful on this one. It says it has sharp edges; we have to stay away or don’t go near the edges. What is the point of this sign, if you can tell me please comment the page. Otherwise this has to be the most useless sign ever.

image source

Anyone want to get in a car crash. Go to this spot and it may take a while to understand, but I think you may get it. You just have to go one way, but the other way is one way. It’s not hard at all just think. Like I said before, I just love confusing signs, it’s like a challenge on the road!

image source

Just stay right and you will be fine. So if you just follow the arrow you go left. Which way should I go, so many decisions. You just have to be completely ignorant to put this sign up and not confuse people. I would think I would do a better job putting up useful signs. But we should leave it to the experts!

Canadians do not have the institution known as “tea”. Therefore it will be hard to get a proper cup of tea either in a restaurant or in someone’s home. A restaurant called “Tim Horton’s” says it has good tea. If your host is from the British Isles, they might give you tea; but many Canadians have very creative ways of making tea.

I would suggest that you stick with the coffee.

The best place to find a washroom is in a coffee shop. Restaurants are required by law to have washrooms. The other place to find a washroom is in a shopping mall.

The worst place to find a washroom is in the train station. But at least they are functional. Most homes have washrooms.

Canadians don’t wear fur coats in August and most of us do not live in Igloos. If you visit Canada in August be prepared for hot weather. Pack your swimsuit. Of course if you visit Canada between September to April, you may wish to pack a coat.

Visiting at Christmas. Despite the cold, the hustle and bustle of the Airport, Christmas is a lot of fun in Canada. Many cities, of which Toronto is the most famous, have Santa Claus parades some time around November and December.

There are lots of place to go shopping. And most churches have special services. But be aware, it is cold In Canada at Christmas. Pack sweaters, mittens and hats. But if I were you I would book my holiday between May and October.

Everyone, no matter who you are, needs to wear a hat in the winter. It doesn”t have to be fancy. You can knit a hat. Or you can buy a haat aat a store. You can buy a hat aaand give to charity at the same time. A winter hat is also called a toque.

My mother used to say, “Wear a hat Mary or else your ears will fall off”.

Image Source

Thanks McCain for letting us know that cooking something makes it hot.  Thank goodness you told us that.  I wouldn’t want to burn my finger and sue you for a million bucks claiming I was too stupid to know that.  If you don’t understand that cooking makes something hot, how would you know to cook it?  If a tree falls in the forest…  You get my drift!

Image Source

Okay, I’m following the use the safety seat and belts provided part of the sign.  I’m not sure why it’s unsafe to put them in the grocery portion of the cart or how you’d even have room for groceries if they were in there.  It’s the underneath part of the sign that is most concerning.  Sometimes I think you should have to pass some sort of test before becoming a parent.  Does this mean somebody put their kid under the cart and they got hurt?  There must have been some reason that’s on the sign…scary.

Image Source

This warning on a plastic bag is completely valid.  You definitely should not put a plastic bag over your head or let kids play with it.  It’s the pictures of the warning that are so amusing.  The guy on the left is choking himself while singing in a choir with a pickle jar on his head and the baby on the right looks like he’s an astronaut!  Maybe they could have just wrote “Don’t put plastic bags on your head dummy” in 15 different languages or something.

Image Source

This warning label is from a sling shot.  The warnings all make sense until they say “Never aim your PocketShot at people or animals, not even cats.”.  Some warning writer sure doesn’t like cats!  Hysterical!!!

Image Source

This paper shredder must have a lot more options than the one we have.  There’s no way I’d consider putting my hand or tie in the shredder!  Only the middle sign makes any sense.  No staples or paper clips — okay.  No hand and no tie — what?  What did I even buy this thing for?  At least I can put my hair in it!

Image Source

This sign posted near a San Francisco beach makes a lot of sense in most beaches.  Totally good for a laugh and keeps people’s rear ends covered!  Reminds me of when I was shopping for my wedding shoes.  I wanted to get flip flops to wear under my dress for the ceremony so I ran to Pay Less.  I found the perfect white sparkly flip flops while shopping there with my Mom.  Unfortunately, I yelled out “Hey Mom, I just found my wedding thongs!” really loud in the store.  It sure make everyone look at us!

Image Source

This sign itself is strange.  The dog is not vicious or rabid or loud or likely to bite.  It’s just a little strange.  I wonder what that means?  Is it wearing one of the Halloween costumes I wrote about in 10 Hysterically Funny Costumes for Dogs?

Image Source

Why did they need to make a law against feeding alligators?  Would all violators of this law be “taken care of” during the commission of the crime?  And what exactly do they mean by “molesting alligators”?  Perhaps that’s best left unknown…

Image Source

You’re on your own for the next 3 miles.  You’ll have to be ever vigilant of dangers around you.  We’re warning you that we’re not going to warn you.  Um, is there something that you should be warning us about?  Why didn’t you make a sign for that instead of warning us there were no warning signs?

So, the next time you’re driving around or cooking your lunch or walking down the street, pay attention to the signs around you.  You never know what they might say!

My other two related articles on hilarious signs are Attention! Hilarious & Confusing Signs Ahead and All The Signs Say You’re Crazy Unusual Signs of the World.

A sign stands lonely in a desert area reads, “If there is a strange person around (henna hito ga iru to), please shout as loud as you could (ookoe o dasoo).”

This sign is extremely hilarious, read the translation below:

If you encounter anyone who threw rubbish, please inform us immediately. We’ll have a poll, and those who are selected can travel to Okinawa (okinawa ryookoo ni ikoo) as a reward!!—–The resident committee.

This sign reads, “the frogs “WanWan (wanto naku kaeru).” Is this a new species of a frog (kaeru) which does not “croak” but it “WanWan” resembles a sound of a dog? Crazy though…!

This sign translates as below:

An Ilegal parking is prohibited.

Free service (muryoo de sabisu) to deflate the tyre for those who made an illegal parking!!

A ceremony will be held to tow the car!!

Note that the funny word here is “ceremony”. What ceremony will be like for towing a car? I’m so excited to watch for this ceremony….and I’d like to see what’s so special about this “grand” ceremony.

This sign is found in a medicine bag to cure a cold for a child. The meaning in a cylindrical box translates, “After taking this medicine, please do not drive.” What so funny about this sign is that this medicine is prescribed for a child not for an adult. Can a small child below 12 years old drive?

This is a place where there will be a beautiful girl to entertain the client. The sign of this entertainment pub reads, “asoko”. In Japanese, “asoko” means “there.” Wow, this is another stunning spot to attract the client especially the male to patronise the shop as there will be girls around there to entertain MR. A. It may have boggled the mind of MR. A. Pardon me, for not having a clear mind here lol….

This is a notification (oshirase) of an aquarium. See how funny its translation below:

Kurione has become a real wizard and it cannot be seen by a human naked eye.

(Now, the aquarium is closed for visits.)

What a hoax of this sign? They think we were just yesterday’s born babies who do not recognise “Kurione.” C’mon, man, Kurione is not a wizard, it’s a type of molusc animal.

Oh, I can’t believe what I read. The red banner with “Kaidian” written means the shop is opened in Japanese. What so hilarious about this shop is the yellow banner with “heidian” written beneath the red banner which means the shop is closed. Hmmm, the red banner hasn’t being taken down, but the shop is closed. Is there any logic here? Though Japan’s economic is in recession, but it’ll be too fast to get the shop closed as it was just opened. It must be a joke, mustn’t it?

This is another funny job advertisement. Read my translation below:

Hi, everybody, let’s draw your great dream (ooki na yume o minna de kaku)!

Because of the business growth, we’re recruiting the sale representatives!

This’s a chance to fulfill your dream of earning more than 1,000 yen annually! (as written in a cylindical box)

Hmmm, 1,000 yen? I think, it’s just a small pay. Gosh, you can only eat two bowls of ramen (Japanese noodle) with this 1,000 yen. So, are you going to apply for this job? It’s so low, I’d rather stay at home.

This is an advertisement for a female’s underwear. Pay attention to the sentence written in a red rectangular box located at the right corner. It translates, “Do not use this advertisement for any acts of masturbation.”

“If you wish your present money to specifically grow to a unit of 100 million, don’t you fear that the thunder will strike you…..” Uuh, I’m scared and trembling to read on this. It seems like a curse rather than an advice. Don’t you think so? This Japanese must have not wanted other people to become wealthy as he stated that one who has 100 million will be stricken death by the thunder. Oh, so scary….

The translation of this sign reads, “If you’ve a courage to commit suicide (jishatsu suru yuuki ga aru nara), then try to live! (ikitemiroo)”

The translation of this sign is: We’re selling a pig’s leg (buta ashi) that does not suffer from foot and mouth disease.” I think it’ll be more appropriate with a sentence, “We don’t have pigs suffered with aphthovirus (mouth and foot disease) here.”

This sign is pasted in a train and it reads, “A crazy person (chikan) is now patronizing (patoru chuu).” Be careful, females, you’re no secure here….Hmmm, this crazy person is so widespread in Japan, so next time when you visit Japan, just be aware of your belongings and also your security.

In Japanese, “Wareme(割目)” refers to a secret part of a female. If a local people here tell someone that he came from a place called “Wareme”, most probably people will get confusing that he’s playing sex.

Hmmm, this sign really messes up my mind. It reads, “An entrance to a female’body….????”

The rule to cross this street: You must sway your upper legs with a hoop while crossing. Hey, c’mon, Mr., Mrs, or Mdm., are you kidding with me? Do you know the rule of the traffic? What strange traffic rule is this?

The sign at Nagoya’s railway station reads, “Please do not do farming at the railway track.” It makes me laughing while reading this sign. There isn’t any connection between the farming and the railway track, is there?

This is a sign found in a recreational park in Japan. It’s about things to know while sitting on a seat provided by a facility in the park. The first one is an appropriate sitting posture, the second and the third are examples of the inappropriate sitting positions, while the last reads, “Please go home (okaeri kudasai)!” It seems like the forth one is out of a topic to be discussed here.

The top signboard: The following acts are prohibited in the parking lot.

1. A car is prohibited to park out of the rule
2. Do not feed the straying dogs and cats, and birds as well
3. A dog is prohibited to poop elsewhere

A fine of 30,000 yen will be incurred to those who against the above rules.

Now, switch your attention to the next signboard. Hmmm, very funny. There are all the sounds of the dogs, and they read as follows:

WanWanWanWan…WanWanWanWan…WanWan….

Wan…..WanWanWanWanWan…Wan….WanWan….Wan…

Wan…

The black characters read, “You go back to Tokyo and die (Tokyoo de shine)” (the first right)

The red characters read, “Are you crazy?” (middle)

The black characters read, “the beautiful Fuji Guardian Association.” (the first left)

Note: Japan is a country where its commit suicide rate top the world due to its extremely high living pressure and extreme competitive living conditions. It is reported that in almost every minute, there will be people intended to end up their lives. This notorious place is located at the foothill of the Mount. Fuji which is favored by the Japanese to end up their lives there. You might be shocked by the explanation here, but it’s indeed a fact that you could hardly refuse.

I just call them “Bakaroo” in Japanese, and it means “Idiot” in English. No matter what happens in our lives, just get them solved! Why the death should become the last resolution? Our life is precious and short, so make full use of it, but don’t ever attempt to go for a commit suicide.

This sign reads, “irasshaimasen” which means “you’re not welcomed” in English. I’m afraid that you’re probably not welcomed to visit this shop. So, what’s your opinion? Do you still wanna go shop here?

According to the Japanese grammatical rule, the ending of “-masen” carries the meaning of “not”. Therefore, it should read “irrasshaimase” instead of “irasshaimasen”.

This sign is about the job advertisement. The hilarious thing here is the underline part, which means “welcome those who are expert in wearing pants”. Again, what’s the connection between the pants and this job? This job is not looking for a model, an actor, a film star, a tailor or any cloth-related occupations. It’s strange, isn’t it?

Hmmm, what’s the point of this sign?

It translates, “You idiot go die at once (baka wa sugu shinu)!”

I’m scratching my head, “hmmm…..???!!”

The vegetable is fixed at a price of 30 yen. But, it is tagged with a label for 30 yen (sanjuu en wari). It seems like you can take it away without paying a single yen. So, who says the vegetable in Japan is expensive?

The red characters read, “Please do not run in the corridor.”

And the blue characters read, “You’re also not allowed to walk in the corridor.”

What??? Are you asking me to crawl through here? It seems like I’ve no choice but to crawl along the corridor like a crocodile…Oh, not again…..another nightmare for me!!!

Oh, I’m so confusing with the signs here? Do they allow me to drive forward? Which way should I follow, my dear Mr. Traffic Police?

Don’t look here (Kocchi o miru na)!

Look in front (mae o miroo)!

So, you remember, don’t look here but look in front! It got to be some miracles happened ahead, I guess! Look in front, wait and see, some funny events is gonna happen ahead, guess what? Cool….

If you buy a computer, I’ll clean the virus on the spot for you.

For those who buys a computer for the first time, it’s strongly recommended that you buy a computer (pasokon dooji konyuu de) along with the virus (Japanese character written “wirusu tsuke” in a green arrow beside the price tag of 7,500 which means “attached with virus”) for 7,500 yen.

Uuhh, it’s dangerous to buy a computer here! So, next time when you buy a computer be sure that it’s not infected with a deadly virus. Otherwise, you’ll have to call “ASAP helicopter, please!” to rescue your “very sick” computer. Most important thing to note that the virus from your computer is not spreading to you. Or else, poor stuff, you’ll fall sick again, and may have to be in the hospital, I afraid….

This “primer” is intended to have a little fun with the “hidden” (i.e., probably not in the dictionary) language of the South and perhaps provide the unwary traveler with some insight into what the heck is being said! You will find words and phrases below that are fairly common to the Southeast but may have variations depending upon where you are travelling. I have included a brief explanation of the word or phrase (based on how I learned to use it or what I heard from others) and in most cases, an example to help you on your way to being able to communicate in “Southern Speak”. In the interest of being able to understand what is written, I have spelled most words correctly and not the way only we in the South can say them.

Argue / talk with a fence post - The key here is the fence post – Obviously, it is incapable of replying (at least where I live). If you use the word “argue” with this phrase it indicates someone that is argumentative and would argue no matter what. Example: “Roy is so ornery that he would argue with a fence post.” If you insert the word, “talk”, you are indicating that the person likes to talk. A lot. Example: “Helen would talk with a fence post if it would listen.”

Beller (See “Holler” as well) - This word in the South means to yell loudly – typically for someone. I have also seen it used when referring to animals (like cows mooing loudly). Example: “Hank! Your mom is bellerin’ for you! You better get home!”

Belly washer - This is a carbonated beverage. Example: “I’m going to drink me a belly washer.” Where I grew up, “drink” is pronounced as “drank”.

Bled like a stuck pig – If you ever managed to cut yourself and the blood flowed freely, it was not uncommon for someone viewing your wound to say, “You are bleeding like a stuck pig.”

Carry - In the South, this word can be used to refer to transporting a person (typically in a car – See “vehicle”). Example: “I had to carry my mother to the store yesterday.”

Chicken with its head cut off – This refers to an animal or person that is running around frantically – sometimes with little or no apparent motive. People that own chickens would kill one of their chickens for a meal by cutting off its head with an axe or just wringing its neck. Chickens are known to run around crazily for a little while after losing their head. I have heard my father describe the practice of “wringing the neck” which is taking a live chicken by the neck and swinging it quickly around in a circle in front of you until the head comes off. This is probably where the phrase “wring someone’s neck” comes from. Example: “Billy is so confused! He was running around like a chicken with its head cut off!”

Clean your clock - If someone tells you this it means they intend to do bodily harm to you. Example: “You took my belly washer and now I’m going to clean your clock!”

Clod hopper – Shoes that appear overly large on your feet – usually with very large soles. I guess the name comes from jumping over clods (see “Dirt clod”).

Cow pie / cow paddy - Cow poop that has been in the sun long enough for the outside to harden slightly leaving the inside still a little soft (hence the use of the word “pie”). Popular for its use as a thrown weapon – you can imagine the effect! Example: “Bubba! If you hit me with that cow paddy, I’m going to clean your clock!”

Dadgum / dadburn - These are “polite” swear words in the South. Example: “Dadgum it! I just broke Mom’s best dish!” “Dadburn it, Joe! Why did you have to go and do that!”

Dick’s hat band - Used to refer to anything that is “tight” (clothing, a penny pincher, etc.). Example: “Those pants are tighter than Dick’s hat band!” “Bill’s wallet is tighter than Dick’s hat band.”

Dirt Clod - Dirt that has stuck together into roughly a palm sized “clod” that is perfect for throwing. The best ones “explode” (or at least look like it) when thrown against walls, the street or your playmates. Example: “Billy! You stop throwing those dirt clods at me!”

Duck on a June bug – This is an indication of speed (usually mixed with greed) to obtain something. Ducks like to eat June bugs and have to move pretty fast to catch them. Example: “Did you see Uncle Homer? He went for that moon pie like a duck on a June bug.” Children like to catch June bugs and tie thread to one of the hind legs so you can control how far away it can fly. That’s better than a helium balloon!

Eat corn on the cob through a picket fence – Used to indicate someone who has teeth that stick out on the top (also known as “buck teeth” or “horse teeth”). Example: “Poor Mable and her buck teeth! She could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence!”

Fer piece - This has to do with traveling a great distance and I am assuming that “fer” used to be “far”. Example: “I have to travel a fer piece so I better get going.”

Finer than frog hair - This is used to reply to someone that has just asked about your health (See “Ya’ll” for more detail). Examples: (Feeling good) “I’m finer than frog hair!” (Feeling great) “I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.”

Fired up - See “Ill”.

Fixin’ to - Preparing to do something. Example: “I’m fixin’ to clean your clock.”

Frazzled – Typically refers to someone that is tired from doing something stressful. Example: “Poor old Winona! She is plumb frazzled after fussin’ with those kids all day!”

Haint – A word to describe a ghost derived from “haunt”. Example: “I ain’t agoin’ up there! That house has a haint!”

Hankering – This means the same thing as “yearning”. More often than not, it is used to express a desire for food. Example: “I’ve got a real hankerin’ for some grits!”

Holler – See “Beller”.

Hoot – Something or someone that is a lot of fun. Examples: “Scaring Farmer Brown’s cow is a hoot!” “He’s a hoot!”

Horse Biscuit - Same as “Cow pie / paddy” but referring to horse poop instead. Also good for use as a missile weapon.

Ill- Another word for angry. “I’m fixin’ to carry my aunt over to the store and if she wants me to drop her off at the front door, I’m going to get ill!”

Mess – Can refer to a group or collection or a “bunch”. See “Vittles” for usage.

Pig in a poke (See “Poke” for its definition) - This saying refers to dealing with something that is unknown and has some risk to it. Example: “If you buy that, you might be gettin’ a pig in a poke.”

Plumb - Another word for “very”. See “Tuckered out” or “Frazzled” for usage.

Poke – Another way of referring to a bag or sack.

Pouring piss out of boot - This is used to indicate someone’s lack of intelligence. There are a few variations but the most descriptive is “He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.”

Revenuer – An IRS agent that came to collect back taxes.

Rode hard and put up wet – This refers to anything or anyone that looks pretty rough and probably relates to a leather saddle originally. Perhaps your neighbor is out to get the paper in their boxers after an all night party and is not looking their best. If you and your spouse are looking out the window, one of you might remark, “He looks like he was rode hard and put up wet.” Another version of this is to say, “He looks like nine miles of bad road.”

Rougher than a cob - This saying refers to using corn cobs in lieu of toilet paper in outhouses. It can refer to the feel of something but also to how something functions. Example: “The tires on my vehicle ride rougher than a cob.”

Spell - This has two meanings in the South: 1) An indeterminate period of time – Example: “I’m going to sit a spell.” and 2) Give someone a rest – Example: “You’ve been drivin’ long enough. Let me spell you.”

Spoof - Another word for a lie but in most cases it means that you are playfully telling a lie. Example: “I don’t believe there is an elephant in the front yard! You’re spoofin’.”

Sugar – The Southern word for diabetes. Southerners also pronounce diabetes as “diabeatus”. Example: “George has been tired a lot since he got sugar.”

Tizzy – This is when someone is very nervous and/or disturbed and can even end up running around like a chicken with their head cut off. Example: “Ever since her milk cow ran off, Elvira has been in a tizzy.”

Trust someone as far as you could throw them - When used to refer to another person, it means that they are not to be trusted. Example: “I would not trust Hannah Jean as far as I could throw her.” It can get even meaner if the person in question is of ample girth.

Tuckered out - Exhausted. Example: “I had to run from the Law today when they found my still. I’m plumb tuckered out.”

Upside - Another way of saying something is against something else – probably short for saying “right up alongside”. See “Wallop” for usage.

Vehicle - In the South, you don’t drive a car, you “operate a vehicle”. Typically it is pronounced with the emphasis on the first syllable like, “vee-hicle”. Example: “Don’t you touch my vee-hicle or I’ll clean your clock!”

Wallop - Another word for striking something or someone. Example: “I’m going to give you a wallop upside your head for touching my vee-hicle.”

Whooping - This is where your parents are going to spank you for some infraction or someone is mad enough at you to beat you up. Example: “Oh, Johnny! You done broke Mom’s favorite dish and you are going to be in for a whoopin’!”

Wipe the floor with you – A variation of “Clean your clock”.

Worth your salt - This is said to comment on someone or something’s value. Example: “If that new restaurant were worth its salt, they would be serving sweet tea.”

Ya’ll – One of the most common “words” in the Southern Vocabulary; short for “you all” or “all of you”. Example: (Said to a group of people to address everyone at once) “How ya’ll doin’?” What some people might not know is that there is a variant: “you ‘uns”. “Ya’ll” can also be used with one person to infer that you are not only asking about their health but the health of their immediate family as well.

Yonder - Somewhere other than where you currently are and of indeterminate distance. Examples: “I’m fixin’ to go over yonder to the store.” “Look over yonder. Here comes your mother in your father’s vee-hicle.”

Bonus Food and Beverage Section

Coke - In the South, this collectively refers to any and all carbonated beverages, no matter the brand or flavor (similar to “Kleenex®” being the generic title for all tissues). Example: “I’m going to go buy a coke.” In most cases it means you really are going to buy a Coca-cola® product (given the popularity of the brand in the South) but it can also mean any other brand. Another example: “I’m going to carry my mother to go get a coke.”

Dinner / Supper - In a good portion of the United States, the noon meal is referred to as “lunch” and the evening meal is called “dinner”. However, to some people in the South, the noon meal is “dinner” and the evening meal is “supper”.

‘Mater – The shortened version of “tomato”. Example: “I need a belly washer to go with my ‘mater.”

Moon pie – This is one of the most popular desserts in the South. It is basically two round graham crackers with marshmallow filling in between. It is then covered with a flavored coating that forms a shell around the whole thing. I have eaten vanilla, chocolate and banana (the best) but I’ve heard there are other flavors. Eating one while drinking a Coke® is a Southern tradition!

Poke Salad - I have never had this but have heard of it many times. My understanding of this is you go out in your yard or a field and pick wild greens. Then you fry bacon, chop it up and put it in a poke (a bag) with the greens. You then pour the bacon grease into the bag and shake the bag to evenly distribute the grease (which functions as the salad dressing). Then pour on a plate or bowl and eat.

Scrambled Pig Brains – No kidding – people eat this! I can remember being totally shocked when I was old enough to recognize it was being sold in the local grocery store. I have never tried it but have heard that some people like to mix it in with their scrambled eggs. I wonder if you oink after you eat it.

‘Shine - Short for “moonshine” (also called “hootch”) which is “distilled” typically in very remote locations due to the illegal nature. Rumors abound of people going blind drinking improperly prepared ’shine. True moon shine is absolutely clear and has very high alcohol content. Shine is prepared in a “still” (which comes from “distill”) which is constructed of various spare parts.

Sweet tea – If you come to the South, 99% of the restaurants will provide you with “sweet tea”. In other words, they have already sweetened the tea while it was still in the pot and it is done with sugar and not an artificial sweetener (to truly be called “sweet tea”). I have heard it jokingly referred to as the “house wine of the South”. Do not be surprised if you order “ice tea” at a restaurant in the South and the server asks you, “Sweet or un-sweet?”

‘Tater - The shortened version of “potato”. Example: “I’m fixin’ to make a mess of ‘taters.”

Vittles – For fans of “The Beverly Hillbillies”, you know that Granny always talked about fixing vittles. Vittles collectively refers to any type of prepared food (including possum gizzards). Example: “I’m fixin’ to make a mess of vittles.”

image source

This sign could indicate that it is safe to push your automobile to safe location off of the road or on the other hand, it could mean that you have found the safe sex rest stop.

Crabs Anyone?

image source

Obviously, this is an advertising billboard intended to promote a restaurant, but let your dirty mind take control, and then this gives the message a whole new meaning.

Restrooms This Way

image source

There cannot be any doubt which restroom is which in this location. It is true that a picture tells a thousand words and whether you pee standing up or sitting down.

Dirty Old Man

image source

This could be a pervert or a stalker roaming around the ladies department, but this is what happens when someone doesn’t think their marketing plans all of the way through.

Protest Messages Can Be Confusing

image source

Now is not the time to be calling people dirty little names and if you are referring to Vice President Cheney, then remember, he is armed with loaded weapons and has already proven that he isn’t afraid of using them even on his friends.

Call Waiting, Doggy Style

image source

This isn’t a sign, but really too funny to pass up. Gives a whole new meaning to the saying “Your always up my butt, so stop already”.

Naughty Politically In-Correct Sign

image source

Speaking out against the government is a no-no, because they have the power and you don’t. In full discloser, this message makes a whole lot of sense.

Business Consolidation

image source

This gives a new meaning to dirty laundry and a good reason to go wash a load about 8-times per week.

Bush Country

image source

A wise man once said “Let the signs show you the way”, and then we got stuck with George W Bush.

Story Sign Time

image source

A naughty little story with an actual moral and the signs are pointing the way.

Only in Japan

A crowded commuter train in Japan has some special boarding service, to make sure everybody gets in. Hopefully they have the same sort of service for people who are in the middle of a wagon and want to get out…

Only in India

The Indians take it even a step further than the Japanese. Once the train is really packed, why don’t just sit on top of it or hang somewhere outside. Well, sounds like they’re not complaining.

People are crossing a railroad track only seconds before a train runs full speed through the station.

A baby plays with a venomous snake. Who can think of a better mate to play with?

If you thought letting your child play with a snake was a bit crazy, how about dropping your baby of a 50 ft tower? It’s good for the newborn’s health, so they say…

Only in Germany

Always thought surfing was something you did at Hawaii? Well these guys do it at a ice water river in the center of Munich.

Only in Thailand

A train runs through a market – literally. Seconds after the train passed through, the market stalls are built up again.

Only in Russia

After all these wild travel videos we’ll end this series with a cozy cruise on the river. Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream… quite inventive.

Only in Asia

If traveling by train is a bit to crowded for you, then motorcycle may be just right the right thing. This motorcyclist demonstrates how relaxed this way of travel can be. Just lay down on your back and call some friends with your cellphone.

If you’re planning a visit you might want to consider printing off this glossary to consult for speaking with the locals. Who knows. They may be so impressed they will think you live here. But if you have a very distinct accent yourself (ie – you come from New York, Boston, the South or Texas) don’t try using Southern California speech, you’ll just embarrass yourself.

• Airhead — dimwit
• Awesome – amazing, used frequently to express how impressed you are with something
• Big Kahuna – the big guy or the guy in charge everyone considers the leader
• Blast – fun, as in “what a blast”
• Bogus – phony
• Brew – a beer
• Bummer – a big disappointment. Extends to bummed, as in “I am so bummed”.
• Bum – borrow, as in “can I bum a buck off of you?”
• Busted – caught
• Butt floss – a thong type bikini that appears as if the wearer is not wearing anything on the back side.
• Check it Out – investigate
• Chill – calm down
• Cool — hip
• Da bomb – the best
• Dork – idiot
• Drag – as in ‘what a drag’. A nuisance or pain
• Dude – term for addressing any and everyone, regardless of gender, dudette sometimes used for a female.
• Dweeb – usually used interchangeably with ‘geek’, someone who is brainy and socially inept except with other dweebs.
• For sure – positively. Used frequently to acknowledge agreement in a conversation
• Freakin’ out – upset and going a bit crazy
• Gnarly – means both good and bad depending on how it’s used
• Gross – bad, disgusting
• Hammered — drunk
• Killer – really great
• So lame — pathetic
• Later – bye
• Like – used before every description such as “it was like so cool”.
• Mondo – really big
• Nads – a man’s testicles, short for gonads
• No way! – impossible
• Rad – short for radical, an expression of acceptance
• Rays – sunshine as in “I’m so pale I gotta get some rays”.
• Righteous – totally awesome or amazing
• Scarf down – to eat quickly
• Sick – superb, outstanding
• Sketchy – iffy, vague
• Smokin’ – when something on someone is really on fire, excellent
• Spaz – idiot. Often used as a verb as in “I’m spazzing out” meaning “freaking out”.
• Stoked – excited
• Sweeeeeet – great, completely cool
• Tight – being close to someone
• Totally – completely, utterly. Often used at least once per sentence.
• Veg – rest
• Wannabe – someone who wants to be something but currently isn’t
• Way – short for very cool
• Yo – hey you!