During a Partick Thistle V Clyde game (the real Glasgow derby!) one of the players, who was standing in the middle of a defensive wall at a free-kick, took a right belter of a hit right into his crotch; the pain knocked him out. The Partick Thistle defender awoke in the hospital the next morning and was still in a lot of pain. He asked the doctor how bad it was, and if he would be able to play again. The doctor said that the player would be able to play again but only if they had a woman’s team!

A tourist was staying in a Glasgow hotel and phoned the reception at 3am one night just to tell them “I’ve gotta leak in the sink”. The receptionist told them just to go ahead with it!

A very attractive policewoman was sitting in the police car when she saw another car swerving all over the road. She quickly signalled for the car to pull over to the side of the road. The man driving the other car pulled over and proceeded to step out the vehicle. He was clearly very drunk, he fell down to the ground but quickly picked himself up. “You’re staggering” said the policewoman. The man replied: “Aye, cheers, you’re no so bad yersel!”

One Scotsman went to have his suit dry-cleaned. The shop assistant told the man that it would cost him £20 to have it cleaned. The Scotsman thought that was far too expensive so he went to the charity shop next door and donated the suit. A few days later, the man returned to the charity shop to find his suit hadn’t been sold yet. It had been cleaned though and he bought it for £5.

A wee old woman from Glasgow was shaking the hand of the minister after the weekly Sunday service. She said: “Ah’ve gotta tell ye, minister. Every sermon ye preach is better than the next one!”

The various stages of Scottish Woman:

At 18, you give her whisky, tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28, you don’t need to give her whisky or tell her a story just to take her to bed.
At 38, she tells you a story and buys you a whisky and then takes you to bed.
At 48, you drink too much whisky and then tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58, you take the whisky and stay in bed just to avoid her story.
At 68, if you take her to bed that would be a story!
At 78, what bed? what story? but the whisky still tastes good.

A Glaswegian woman went to the dentists and made herself comfortable in the chair.
“Comfy?” asked the dentist.
“Govan” replied the woman.

Q: What do you call a Scottish dwarf who falls into a cement mixer?
A: A wee hard man!
Q: If there are two coos in a field in Scotland, which one is on holiday?
A: The one with the wee calf!
Q: What did Dracula get when he came to Scotland?
A: A bat in the mouth!
Q: What do you call a Scotsman who takes a small size shoe?
A: Wee Shooey!
Q: What do you call a Scotsman who takes a small size shoe and doesn’t have a dog?
A: Wee Shooey Douglas!

1) Crystal

2) Angel

3) Tiffany

4) Amber

5) Lacy

6) Candi

7) Jasmine

Kelly

9) Cassie

10) Nicole

11) Ashley

12) Chanel

13) Brandy/Brandi

14)  Lindsay

15) Brittany/Britney

16) Haley

17) Laura

18) Roxy

19) Lola

20) Brianna

• Husband: What’s that for?
• Wife: It’s a new cream that helps to enlarge the breasts.
• Husband: And how much did that cost you then?
• Wife: £250
• Husband: That’s ridiculous, why not just rub some toilet paper on them?
• Wife: Will it work?
• Husband: Well it did for your backside!

After that conversation, there is a good chance they won’t be husband and wife for too much longer. Let that be a lesson to all, that sometimes being too truthful isn’t the best way to go.

I swear what follows is true; the following words did fall from a friends mouth. It was the day after the night before and my friend had, how shall we say, got lucky! His night’s conquest could best be described as being on the ‘larger’ size. When asked how they got on, my friend replied: “I wouldn’t say she was a big girl but her middle name was Orca and Greenpeace are looking for her to tow her back out to sea.”

Now that was just mean. On the subject of being mean, sometimes a mean comment is disguised by what is, in essence, something apparently quite nice. Reminds me of the time when a friend, when asked what the best feature of his new girlfriend was, said: “Well she’s got interesting eyes”. When pressed to elaborate, he was slightly embarrassed to admit that his latest squeeze was ‘cross-eyed’. How does that make her eyes interesting? Well they were that interesting that the left one kept looking at the right one!

I wouldn’t say the girls in my neck of the woods are rough but the definition of a classy girl around here, is one that has all her tattoos spelt correctly.

On that note, there is something quite funny about people who get a tattoo done and end up with the wrong spelling of whatever it is meant to say. Not only will they have to live the rest of their lives with a non-removable tattoo, they will also have to live with the shame of forever being known as a ‘muppet’ who couldn’t spell. (Of course they could always blame the tattoo artist.) Really, would it be so hard, if you were insistent on a word tattoo, to look up the correct spelling in a dictionary?

Interestingly, woman are more likely to go to a dermatologist to get their tattoo removed than their male counterparts. Whether this is because of misspelt tattoos is open to debate. It is more likely that they realise, with age, tattoos tend to lose a certain amount of tautness, shall we say.

From tattoos to driving now; there is a general misconception that female drivers are really bad and should be banned from the roads because their driving is so bad. It is an awful stereotype to consider as there is no prove that female drivers are worse than male drivers.

True story. A woman was returning home from work in her car and on her return, her family noticed that the car had a flat tyre. The woman admitted that she had noticed it when she left her work but thought it was safe to drive because it the tyre was only flat at the bottom.

Ironically, this was the same woman who asked her husband to buy a longer dipstick for the car as the one they had wasn’t long enough to reach the oil.

Image via Wikipedia

•  Do you serve crabs in this restaurant?

We serve everyone sir, take a seat.

•  Fat woman: Officer, can you see me across the street?

Officer: Madame, I can see you a mile away.

• Don’t you know the Queen’s English?

Of course I do, and so’s the King.

• 4.Can I have your daughter for my wife?

Well, bring your wife around and we’ll see.

• Me, drunk? I’ve only had tee martoonies.

photo by author

• Customer: Does this dog have a pedigree?

Pet owner: Look, If this dog could talk, he wouldn’t speak to either of us.

• That’s a strange pair of shoes you’re wearing, one black and one white. They must be unique.

Not at all, I have another pair at home just like them.

May I try on that dress in the window?

Well, we’d prefer it if you used the dressing room.

• Can you stand on your head?

No, it’s too high.

• Your sister is spoiled, isn’t she?

Not at all, that’s just the perfume she’s wearing.

• Did you wake up grumpy this morning?

No, I let him sleep late.

photo by author

• You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.

I know, I must have had my legs crossed when I put them on.

•  How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t . You get down from a swan.

•  Do you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater?

I didn’t even know they could knit.

http://socyberty.com/folklore/a-jack-pot-of-old-folk-sayings/

http://socyberty.com/subcultures/more-old-folk-sayings-we-are-losing/

http://purpleslinky.com/trivia/random/trivial-facts-you-might-want-to-know/

It’s cheap, it’s relatively well-lit, and you won’t have any trouble getting a table. Sure, the food will send you and your date both running clench-assed to the toilet, and the atmosphere will obliterate your self-esteem, and some of the other clientele may express inappropriate interest in your date—that is, they may try to rape her—but still, you can’t argue with value.

Take Her Storm Chasing

This exciting-sounding date won’t cost you a penny. And of course, it won’t be exciting. But when your girlfriend hears that you want to take her storm chasing, she’ll become giddy with fearful anticipation. “Do you think we might get maimed by the storm? Maybe even killed?” she’ll ask you, clearly excited by the possibility of facing mortal danger. “Yes,” tell her, “definitely maimed. Probably killed. My last girlfriend, Marla, well, you know how I didn’t tell you why we broke up?” “Oh my God,” she’ll say. “A storm got her, didn’t it.” And you’ll just nod, as if it’s too painful to acknowledge the awful truth in words.   

After a few hours of driving around aimlessly under a clear sky, though, your date may begin to sense something’s up. “Are you sure they said we were supposed to get a tornado?” she’ll ask accusingly. “Because it looks pretty damn clear out to me.” Luckily, you can respond, “That’s exactly what Marla said, just before the storm descended upon us and ripped her head off.”

Take Her to a Soup Kitchen

This will make her think you’re a good, generous guy who loves to spend his time helping the less fortunate. Which of course is a crock of shit. And when you’re done ladling watery soup into the cruddy bowls of wretched indigents, you can say to your girlfriend, who by this point should have fallen head over heels for your hollow virtue, “Well since we’re already here, we might as well grab a bite.” Make sure to sneak in a candy bar for yourself, though, because that water bisque isn’t going to do the trick.

Take Her to an Auction

But don’t bid on anything. This way, she can enjoy all the fast-paced action of the auction atmosphere without forcing you to open your wallet. To prevent her from catching on to your little scheme, I recommend raising your paddle, as if to bid, a few times just after the auctioneer has closed the bidding on an item. “Damn it,” you can say, “I really wanted that one.” Or, “Crap, I was so close that time.” Don’t jump the gun, though, or you might end up spending three thousand dollars on a staple gun once owned by the manager of the Steve Miller Band.

Meet Her Online for a Virtual Date

The odds are, you met your girlfriend online, so returning there with her now shouldn’t feel too unnatural. She might even find it cute, like a reenactment of the wonderful night you stumbled upon each other in the Horny Upstate Singles chat room. Except this time, you probably won’t be high on Quaaludes or sobbing uncontrollably. And an online date completely gets rid of the anxiety and fear that dominate even the best real dates. No, online you can be confident, and funny, and almost completely unterrified. Just make sure not to be too confident and funny, though, or she’ll realize how meek and dull you are in real life.

And while your real-date options are practically limited to Applebee’s, Ruby Tuesday, and Outback Steakhouse—your girlfriend is just crazy about sliders, and refuses to go to any restaurant that doesn’t offer them—your virtual-date options are endless. You can meet her in a Florida Keys chat room, or an online forum dedicated to Lexington, Kentucky, or the discussion page on the Outback Steakhouse website.      

“Forget” Your Wallet

This is a cheap trick, but an effective trick. Take her someplace nice, and then just as you’re about to enter the door, start rifling nervously through your pockets. “Oh, crap, honey, I think I left my wallet at home. Looks like we’re gonna have to go to Arby’s, which I can still afford because I happen to have a five-dollar bill in my pocket for some reason.” You should plant the five there beforehand, obviously.

After you pull this trick five or six times, though, she might start to catch on. But don’t worry, there are a few variations on this general strategy that will keep her guessing. For example, don’t forget your wallet, but instead bring the “wrong” wallet. So when the check comes, confidently take out your wallet, and then try to give a genuine look of horror as you open it up. “Oh my God, honey, I think I brought the wrong wallet. I must’ve left all my money in the other one.” And by “left all my money in the other one,” you mean removed all your money from this one and hid it in your dresser. After paying the bill, she’ll probably ask what the hell you have two wallets for—a reasonable question if there ever was one—to which you can respond, “For the same reason you have so many goddamn purses.”

Take Her to Church

It’s free, it’ll eliminate the need for trying fruitlessly to maintain interesting conversation—that is, it’ll replace your awkward silence with religious awkward silence—and who knows, it might even save both your souls from an eternity in hell, during which time you’d definitely run out of things to talk about. And if your girlfriend starts sweating like crazy whenever the pastor says anything about the sin of adultery, you’ll know you’re in trouble.

Take Her on a Tour of Your Childhood Memories

And of course, you can be lying out your ass. “Here,” you’ll say, pointing to a lamppost you’ve never seen before in your life, “is where my dad first showed me the back of his hand. Because he had just gotten a tattoo on it, I mean, and he wanted me to see it. When I was too scared to look—I couldn’t bear the thought of all those needles going into his skin—well, that got him so mad, he showed me the underside of his boot. You see, he had a scary picture of a clown painted on the bottom of his right boot, and whenever I was bad, he would show it to me as punishment. He’d say, ‘The clown’s gonna get you, boy. The clown’s gonna end you.’ And that, my love, is why I never wear boots. Well, that, and they chafe the hell out of my ankles.” Of course, she’ll be bored to death by these meandering, ad-libbed tales, but I say it’s better to bore her for free than to bore her over an expensive Italian dinner at the Olive Garden.

Take Her to ACE Hardware

And tell her she can pick out anything she wants, your treat. The beauty of this is, there won’t be a damn thing in the store that she’ll want. So you can seem like Mr. Generous—“Go on, honey, don’t be shy, it’s all on me today, because really, what’s money, when you’re with the person you love”—without actually having to shell out any cash. The one thing you have to look out for, though, is if your girlfriend actually hates you and is looking for an opportunity to spite you. And this is a very real possibility, trust me. Because if she does hate you, there’s a good chance you’ll walk out of the store having blown a quarter of your yearly salary on a two-thousand dollar riding mower. And if you choose not to spring for the riding mower, you’ll probably walk out of the store a bachelor.

Take Her to an Expensive Restaurant

But make sure it’s closed at the time you arrive. “God damn it,” you’ll say, “the place is closed! Oh man, I was really looking forward to spending all that money on you, too. Oh well, I guess we’ll have to go to Arby’s again.” Now she may ask why in the world you thought this upscale French restaurant would be open at three in the morning, which is a fair question. The best you can do, I think, is to respond, “Sometimes, baby, you just get a feeling about certain things. Like tonight, I just had a feeling this place would be open at three AM. I dunno why, I just did. The thing about feelings, though, is that sometimes, well, sometimes they’re dead wrong. Like tonight, for example. Now let’s get to Arby’s before they run out of roast beef again.”

1. Does not have a gun permit.
2. Went jogging without you.
3. Comes with an aerosol spray can.
4. Refuses to prioritize.
5. Is the world’s worst mood ring.
6. Map quested Dunkin Donuts.
7. Does not come with a money back guarantee.
8. Should never operate heavy machinery.
9. Hates David Blane.
10. Failed the SATs.
11. Vacuumed my carpet five weeks ago,
12. But forgot to lift the sofa,
13. And is now unemployed.
14. Voted for McCain.
15. Finally kicked that coke addiction.
16. Got drunk and threw apricots at Martha Stewart at New Years.
17. Hates apple pie.
18. Was voted least likely to succeed in my high school year book.
19. Bought a spider man sweater on Ebay for 19.95 plus shipping.
20. Stalked Mr. Potato head on Myspace.
21. Stole my shampoo,
22. And danced the Macarena at my cousin’s wedding.
23. Got arrested for tax evasion.
24. Always travels light.
25. Drunk dialed Mark Wahlberg.

Bonus:

• Always goes to bed after 9:30.

Image by bobster855 via Flickr

 things that Rush Limbaugh reminds me of:

1. He reminds me of a sack of potatoes that has gone rotten.
2. He reminds me of a grotesque opera singer that only shrills when she sings.
3. He reminds me of an angry clown with a big red nose.
4. He reminds me of a meat eating dinosaur who scavanges for food.
5.  He reminds me of a jackass that won’t move to the left. He’s always stays to the right.
6.  He reminds me of a big pile of manure. Perhaps he should step in it and see how it feels.
7. He reminds me of scrooge except that he never redeems himself.
8. He reminds me of a hippo. Actually, he looks like a hippo. He has a big butt.
9. He reminds me of colonoscopy. No exclamation is needed.
10. He reminds me of fungus, tapeworm, and other nasty things.
11. He reminds me of a rash that keeps on growing.
12. He reminds me of a volcano that is constantly errupting.
13. He reminds me of the Giant in Jack in the Beanstalk. He’s very tyrannical but deep down he’s a coward.

1. On your way to the tree you may have crushed some insects. This is bad for the environment
2. You could bring invasive species with you on your clothes.

Impacts on Your Body

1.  The tree may have something poisonous growing on it. When you hug it you will take in some of this poison. This won’t be too good for you.
2.  There may be animals living in or on the tree. They may become aggressive as you hug the tree and disturb them. They might bite you or scratch you.
3. You may trip on a tree root and fall. This may break a few of your bones.

What is up with the ridiculous stereotypes these days? People are just making things up like “all black people look alike”. That is a damn lie because if all black people looked alike everyone would be waking up to a Beyonce or a Denzel Washington. Do not get me wrong; there are some sexy black people other than Beyonce and Denzel but wouldn’t it be nice.  I am just tired of all of the stereo types lingering around and even children are making fun of others. Another one is all black people love chicken. “I in fact hate chicken. I have never eaten a piece of chicken in a while and I am a mixed black guy. I searched and came across some pretty interesting stereotypes.

Check these out!

Italians, Spaniards, Latino-Americans: hot tempered, high sex drives, possibly “prone to crime or violence”

Jews: money-grubbing, excessively influential in the world for some reason, conspiring, conniving

Greeks: can’t trust them, slick, business cheats, restaurant owners

Muslims (not an ethnicity/race but still stereotypes going on about them): possibly disloyal (esp. nowadays in America), possibly radicals or terrorists, can’t be trusted, always covering their face,

French:  arrogant, judgmental, rude (esp. Parisians)

Germans:  prone to militarism, nationalism, and war, anti- Semitic, easily led by a strong dictatorial type leader

Scandinavians:  politically progressive, open-minded, tall, naturally blonde, blue eyed, pale

British: pubs, football, fish and chips, sleazy tabloids, prudish, a bit cocky and arrogant

Irish: drunks, like to fight while drunk, cops (crooked) and firemen (crooked), always singing

Russians: polish, eastern Slavs, communists

Chinese: smart, physically smell, trained to do martial arts, everything is made in China, all look alike, eat with chop sticks, small package

Japanese: all business, good cars

Dutch: wooden shoes, windmills, drugs

Mexicans: Always working, construction workers, own the corner stores, only listen to music like (listen below), and have a lot of kids

Blacks: Look alike, failures, racists, drop-outs, love chicken, and love watermelon

Now what the hell!! We all are human beings; shouldn’t that be all that matters? I hope you all have enjoyed reading my article.

Image via Wikipedia