Have Chocolate, Will Travel… To Get More

It is considered sexist and demeaning for a man to say that women are addicted to chocolate. But in fact, many of us are. This is not necessarily a bad thing considering that chocolate can do more than just make you fat. It can help prevent all kinds of diseases, which leads me to believe that chocolate, the one addiction women just love to keep, is actually a health food.

Yes, I am being somewhat facetious in saying that, but why not? If something so decadent could possibly be good for me, I would certainly jump on the chance to use it to its full advantage. Coffee is another bonus. Recently on the news they were talking about all the ways coffee is good for your health, and I wondered if Starbucks was going to raise its prices soon due to high demand for their health drink.

If chocolate and coffee, two products that contain caffeine, could be good for me, then why not call Nodoz a health product. It contains caffeine too, enough to keep you awake during your own funeral. The 7-up company would create quite a stir marketing their bottles of liquid sugar as Power drinks. I can just see the doctor now, writing out a prescription to a 96 year old woman….”Okay, here’s your 7-up prescription. Drink two of these, and I’ll tether you to the floor in the morning, in the meantime, try not to hurt yourself on those ceiling tiles on your way out of here.”

Bouncy little old ladies aside, chocolate seems to be the new wonder drug that everyone is into. Most of us have been into chocolate for quite some time, but only now are we discovering that we were actually eating something that is good for us. This should set the chocolate industry back about fifty years. I mean, after all, who wants to snack on something that’s good for you?

What’s next? Cigarettes that are soothing to the lungs? Diet beer, the wonderful new weight loss product? Bungee jumping for stress reduction? Or perhaps we could go for something a little more subtle, like jumping out of airplanes for that ultimate weightless feeling. If you are really in need of health improvements I fully recommend trying all of the above.

This chocolate thing could become the next great pandemic of our time, causing massive confusion, violence and other weird behaviors. But there is one sure-fire way to prevent that from happening….Pack up all your chocolate, every last scrap, and ship it to me. I guarantee this will release you from your unholy chocolate cravings and will also make me very healthy. Thank you very much.

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