101 Tales From Behind Bars: Tooth and Nail

There was a couple that used to come in together now and then. The guy’s name was Shawn but I can’t remember his girlfriend’s name. He didn’t bring her in too much because I think she embarrassed him. They had the typical volatile relationship two addicts always have so when they did come together it usually ended in a fight.

Shawn came in every day by himself after work and drank the cheap well whiskey and 7-up for three bucks each. He always complained about his drinks-they were too weak– but he never gave me a decent tip so I basically ignored him. He’s lucky I didn’t literally measure the pour. Then he would have truly had something to complain about.

Anyway, one evening he brought his “old lady” with him. I noticed that something looked funky, different about her teeth. Her mouth had a rabbit-like appearance. Not wanting to stare and not really interested in conversing with a known tweaker, I excused myself politely from their company after serving their drinks and headed to the other end of the bar.

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This older gal named Jo who I absolutely adored made a disparaging comment about the couple. I didn’t say anything because it’s my job to remain as neutral as possible. But then she said something I couldn’t ignore.

“Does she have her Lee Press Ons today?” Jo asked with a twinkle in her eye.

“Um…I didn’t really look at her hands Jo, why?” I asked as I dried a wine glass.

“She doesn’t wear em on her hands,” she cackled, “she puts em on her teeth.”

“Oh c’mon. That’s bullcrap…you’re pulling my leg,” I laughed as I looked from her to George.

A couple other regulars chimed in that it was the God’s honest truth and told me to go take a look. Well I couldn’t just waltz over there and ask her to smile. So I waited until Shawn summoned me for another round and sure enough, she had fake fingernails covering her meth eaten teeth.

“Crap,” I moaned on my return to the snickering end of the bar, “If she chokes on one of those things I’m gonna have to do CPR!”

All in a days work my friends, all in a days work.


  • Nice secondary title, by the way. Can I suggest that you change the title of the series to Tales From Behind The Bar? Before I read this, I thought you were incarcerated.

  • Sometimes it felt like being incarcerated! I had thought about that but I thought it would be a nice surprise and play on words.

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