20 Key Things to Remember (In Order to Survive The Coming Zombie Apocalypse)

Published by in Humor
25th Jan 2010

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1.       Fast zombies: I don’t need to outrun them I need to outrun you.

2.       Old people and pregnant women are delicious delicious zombie bait, as tempting as it is to leave them to the restless undead it is unwise as once you feed a zombie they will always come back for more—with their friends.

3.       Windowless basements are death traps, when choosing death traps choose ones that at least have some possibility of escape.

4.       Axes never run out of ammunition.

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5.       Once a zombie is disabled it’s a good idea to dispose of the remains.

6.       Prior to disposing a zombie’s remains by fire make sure it really is disabled—flaming zombies are clearly a safety hazard in most environments.

7.       Zombies are attracted to lights, sounds and movements.

8.       Zombies are therefore attracted to the argumentative guy holding a flashlight and raising hell about who should be in charge.

9.       It is a bad idea to institute a democratic vote of the survivors’ leadership positions when facing an immediate zombie siege, there’s not enough time to debate the finer points of undead brain bashing skills versus the merits of running away.

10.   Watching “Sean of the Dead” 84 times does not qualify you for a leadership position.

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11.   There’s no shame in running away from the undead, but try not to scream as it will reveal your position to even more zombies.

12.   Toga parties featuring 80’s music are a bad idea, even if there’s not currently a zombie apocalypse.

13.   If trapped in a German movie theater with demon zombies, do not count on a helicopter crashing through the roof and gratuitously lopping off the demon creatures heads. That is what is known as machina ex dues—it rarely happens in real life.

14.   Should you capture a zombie intact kill it immediately. Do not keep it around for research. Do not attempt to make friends with it. Do not give it a name and try to make it your personal slave. Never trust it, just freakin’ kill it already.

15.   There’s an inverse relationship between attractiveness and usefulness; if it comes down to it, let the zombies have Shirley What’s-her-face that you’ve had a crush on since grade 5 and keep Professor Smarty McUglyface alive.

16.   Don’t go on rescue missions to see if your friends or family have survived the zombie apocalypse thus far. These missions rarely end well. You can call on your friends and relations later when it’s more convenient and the dead people are less bitey.

17.   I don’t care if you have a smart phone app for it—Tweeting something every two minutes is not appropriate.

18.   Internet memes are also not appropriate. Do not Rickroll, LOLzombi, or wear a Guy Fawks mask when we’re fighting zombies. The zombies don’t get the humor and we’re a little too busy trying to survive to leave comments on your blog.

19.   If you are bitten by a zombie, don’t worry about telling us about it. Honesty is the best policy and we’re all friends now, so we’ll help you find a cure.

20.   Don’t anyone tell that guy, yeah the pale one with the zombie bite mark, but we’re going to bash his brains in before he gets all—you know—undead. Could you distract him for a second?