1. Upon hiring you, your new boss shakes your hand and asks how it feels to be the new First Mate on the Titanic.
2. All company-wide emails are titled “Subject re: We’re Sorry, we are so truly sorry”
3. You are informed that you’ll qualify for a letter of reference exactly 5 days after you qualify for full employee benefits.
4. Retirement parties are held at Chuck E. Cheese.
5. When you ask for a few vacation days the head of Human Resources shrugs and says, “If we’re still here when you get back.”
6. Your name is Conan O’Brien and you’re hosting the Tonight Show.
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7. One of the forms Human Resources hands you to fill out upon hiring is an application to a fast food restaurant.
8. Your supervisor keeps asking what it’s like to sell Avon.
9. The new company logo is a digital count down.
10. The old company logo was hangman’s noose.
11. At stock holders’ meetings the corporate heads weep openly.
12. To raise earnings, the annual stock holders’ meeting now features the popular “Dunk an executive” tank. There is also complimentary face painting for share holders.
13. When you ask Human Resources how long before you have employee benefits they laugh hysterically.
14. Company heads start busking for change in the break room.
15. The Public Relations department repeatedly refers to the company as a phoenix, but fails to allude to the ever important “rising from the ashes.”
16. The Public Relations department however does refer to the company as a phoenix “going up in smoke.”
17. The motivational speaker corporate hired to raise morale is giving a talk on “How invest your unemployment checks”
18. Overnight someone replaced all the motivational posters with suicide prevention flyers.
19. Human Resources sends a company memo reminding employees to update and photocopy their resumes “while we still have computers.”
20. When fellow employees leave for lunch they start clearing out their desks “just in case.”