50 Ways to Prepare for a Zombie Uprising

Published by in Humor
2nd Aug 2010
  1. Buy a house in the country. Less people, less zombies.
  2. Make sure it’s a brick house. Wood burns, and can be chopped through.
  3. Use only steel or extremely sturdy, thick wooden shutters on the house. And make sure those shutters can be bolted from the inside.
  4. Buy a 4-wheel drive truck. Not an SUV. Trucks sit higher and can handle off-road travel better. Also make sure to have a camper top or some kind of storage on the back of the truck, preferably something safe for humans to travel in if need be.
  5. Buy a dirt bike, the motorcycle kind. The downside is a bike leaves you open to attack, but it can go off road quite well and will be able to get you around on highways filled with abandoned and crashed vehicles. Some might prefer four-wheelers, but they have a tendency to overbalance.
  6. Get a solar-powered generator. Gas generators are great, but they run out of gas.
  7. Books. Lots of books. Maybe card and board games, too. You’ll need something to pass the time, and why waste your generator’s power on TV that won’t have anything to watch and a computer that will possibly soon be useless for connecting to the world.
  8. Food and water. You’ll want lots and lots of this stuff. Make sure it’s goods that can be stored dry for a long time. Refrigeration will likely not be an option.
  9. Ammo, lots and lots of ammo. More than you can carry. Keep thousands of rounds in your house. Keep hundreds of spare rounds in your truck. Carry at least a hundred rounds on you at all times once the zombie apocalypse has begun.
  10. High-powered rifle with scope. A lever-action isn’t too bad, but a semi-automatic would be preferable. Bolt action will do in a pinch, but takes more familiarity to use. Your ammo of choice is debatable, but for civilian purposes,.223 is popular, and .22-250 isn’t bad though it’s not always easy to find. .30-30 works great, too. You want something that can put a bullet through a zombie head at long distances, that way you can sit on top of your house and plug away at the shambling undead. That is is you have tons and tons of ammo to spare.
  11. Shotgun. Pump action is okay, but semi-auto is better. Forget a double barrel as it’s too much reloading, and a single barrel is a joke. You want a 12 gauge. Why? Because it’s a very common shell to find and it’ll do the job. This weapon will be for fairly closeup work, and you don’t have to be as good at aiming as you do with a rifle or handgun.
  12. Pistol. Semi-auto. 9mm or. 40 is good enough. Anything beyond that gives too much kick and is really a waste. You just want to put a sizable hole in a zombie head, not shoot through an engine block. A .22 is too weak. A .45 will more than do the job and the ammunition is easy to find, but some shooters will complain about the kick. A 9mm, however, is generally able to carry more rounds in a magazine than a .45. This is mainly a weapon of desperation. Once you’re down to handgun fighting with zombies, you’re time is probably about up unless there are only a few zombies. Remember to save the last bullet for yourself, if you’re so inclined.
  13. Machete. It’s cheap. It’s easy to find. Even Walmart sells them for about $7 or $8. When all your guns are out of ammo and your down to hand-to-hand fighting against the undead, this will be a serviceable weapon. It’s got a little length to it, so you don’t have to be within teeth chomping range, and it’s able to smash into a skull or possibly even cut off a head. A good sword might work better, but swords take more skill to use and honestly, most of the swords available on the civilian market are utter crap; if you go the sword route, at least make sure it’s a battle-ready weapon.
  14. Knife. A good knife can do all kinds of things. You’ll be surprised how handy it’ll come in. Yes, you can even use it as a weapon if you need to, but if you’re knife-fighting zombies, you’re probably going down very, very soon. Still, a knife is a great tool.
  15. A multi-tool. If you want, get a Swiss Army Knife or a Leatherman, one of those knives that comes with all kinds of extra tools. You want something small and light, something you stick in a back pocket. A multi-tool is a lousy weapon, but it will come in handy in all kinds of other ways.
  16. Well water. If at all possible, make sure your house in the country isn’t connected to a city’s water supply but is attached to a local well. Yes, you won’t get that nice chlorine flavor, but you won’t have to worry about your water running out on you.
  17. Get rid of your stairs. Make sure only collapsible stairs or ladders are available in your house for getting to the second and higher stories. You want stairs or ladders you can pull up, ditch or destroy at a moment’s notice. Zombies can’t really climb stairs all that well, and they have a heck of a time with ladders.
  18. For that matter, make sure your house is at least two stories.
  19. Keep plenty of goods stored on the second floor and/or higher. Basements might seem like a logical storage place, but they’re deathtraps when we’re talking about zombies.
  20. Multiple firearms. All the firearms mentioned above are basically for your personal use. It behooves you, for survival purposes, to have backup weapons. A few more handguns aren’t bad, and a couple more rifles and shotguns could hurt. For extra protection, have a gun or three stashed away in your truck and throughout your home in defensible places.
  21. Have a ready pack. What this is is a backpack stuffed with survival gear, just enough to carry. You’ll want some basic food, a bottle of water, a knife, perhaps a rain poncho, a compass, a flashlight, multi-tool, matches, and whatever else you can think of. Keep it light. You want to be able to grab this and run at a moment’s notice if you need to. Keep it near your front door, possibly in a closet.
  22. Have more than one ready pack. For extra precaution, keep another ready pack near your back door. Keep another one upstairs in case you have to grab it and jump. Possibly have yet another in the back of your truck.
  23. Did we mention matches? You’ll want lots and lots of matches at home. Your future meals might all be cooked over a fire.
  24. A collapsible, portable grill. They’re small and light. You can usually find one in an outdoors store. If it’s small enough and light enough, you can probably shove one of these into one of your ready packs. It’s also a good idea to have one stored upstairs somewhere. You’re going to have to cook on something, after all. This one might not be an absolute necessity, but it’ll come in handy.
  25. Utensils and cooking pans. Again, you can find lightweight versions of this stuff at many camping, hunting and outdoors stores. Buy some. Put some in your ready packs. Keep some upstairs.
  26. Walkie talkies. You probably want a decent pair, the kind that has a range of at least 10 or so miles. That way if you’re with someone else and you get separated, you can stay in touch.
  27. Solar-powered battery chargers. Does this one really need to be explained?
  28. Binoculars. You want to see the zombies coming, right? Before they get close, I mean.
  29. Buy another house in the country. It never hurts to have a backup.
  30. Get some firearms training. You don’t need to be Dirty Harry, but it won’t hurt to know the right end of a firearm. The bullets come out of that hole in the barrel thingy, by the way.
  31. Basic mechanical training. You should be able to fix basic problems with automobiles and around the house. This might save your life. Or it might just be a convenience. Either way, it’s good stuff to know.
  32. Firearms-cleaning kits. Guns can become gunky with prolonged use. Gunky guns have a higher tendency to not work. You don’t want that to happen.
  33. Bow and arrows. You’re asking yourself why, right? Well, you probably can use a bow and arrows to kill a zombie, but it wouldn’t be easy. Firearms are better for that type of work. But more importantly, you can use a bow and arrows for hunting. Eventually your food is going to get low, and if zombies are still around you don’t want to announce your presence to every single undead for miles around when you have to shoot Bambi to survive. Bows are quiet. And that’s a good thing when dealing with zombies. Better yet, have several bows and a ton of arrows ready to go.
  34. Flare gun. You want to be able to signal for help, don’t you? Just in case you see a military craft or something. But then again, maybe you’d prefer to stay on your own. Still, you could use a flare gun to set off flames from a distance if you every need to, like for example if you’ve poured a bunch of gas onto a field then lead an army of zombies onto the field. You know, in case that should ever happen.
  35. Two-way radio. Learn how to use it. It could save your life, or it could save the future of humanity, or it could be useless. But it’s better to be safe than sorry.
  36. Get in shape. Be able to run at least a mile. Have a little muscle in your arms. You don’t need to be an Olympic athlete or a muscle-bound boxing champ, but staying fit can keep you alive. You’ll need to be in decent shape to run, climb, fight, whatever.
  37. Seeds. You’re probably going to have to grow your own food eventually.
  38. Growing preparations. This could be anything from sun lamps to pots on the roof or patio, but you’ll need someplace to grow your food. Multiple bags of topsoil would also be helpful.
  39. Animal traps. Another one for catching your food. Their are humane traps available if you prefer that route.
  40. Rain barrel. You’re going to need water. Rain barrels catch rain.
  41. First aid kits. There will be other ways to get hurt besides a zombie bite, so first aid kits are mandatory. And who knows? Maybe a first aid kit could save you from a zombie scratch or bite, however unlikely that seems. Each of your ready packs should include at least one small first aid kit with basics like bandages, peroxide, alcohol pads, pain pills, suture needles and thread, etc. You should have at least one fairly massive first aid package somewhere in your house, preferably on the second floor. The more first aid kits you have the better.
  42. Proper clothing. This should include a lot of options. Hiking boots. Walking shoes. Rain ponchos. Winter jackets and coats. Vests with lots of pockets for ammo. Jeans. Jeans. Jeans. Tons of socks and underwear. Forget the shorts and tube tops, for those are just inviting zombie attacks. You want clothes that are proper for whatever season it might be, but will also act as mild protection against scuffs, scrapes, clawing, etc. A good brimmed hat also can be helpful to keep the sun out of your eyes and insects out of your hair (you’re supposed to have a house in the country, remember?).
  43. Basic furniture. In your country house, you need basic furnishing. Beds, tables, chairs, a desk, etc. As much as you deem necessary. A TV stand should be the last thing you’ll need, but it’s not impossible TV channels will still keep playing for some short time after the zombie invasion begins.
  44. Fishing gear. To help with food collection. You might never get a chance to use it, but you might, so be prepared on the cautious side.
  45. Night vision goggles. Why not?
  46. Polearms. Sounds crazy. Sounds like something out of the Middle ages. It is. Polearms are basically sharp weapons at the end of really long sticks. Think “spears” but often longer. Polearms are generally anywhere from 5 feet to 22 feet long. With zombies, the longer the better, though you don’t want to weaken any polearms you have by giving them too much length. Why do you need polearms? Because of their length, they are excellent weapons for keeping zombies at bay. You can use heavy polearms to possibly dispatch a zombie at a distance. Or you might only be able to pin a zombie and thus keep it away from you. These weapons work best in a mass formation, so if you’ve got friends with you, consider some polearms. Still don’t know exactly what a polearm is? Get a broomstick, cut off the broom part, then duct tape really well the biggest knife in your kitchen to the far end of the stick. There. Now you’ve basically got a shortened, simple glaive. However, if you know your stuff and have the right equipment, lengthy war hammers and halberds would be preferable.
  47. Basic tools. We’re talking a few claw hammers, hand saws, screwdrivers, the basics. Stuff that won’t need electricity. You never know when you’ll need them. Also, don’t forget nails and screws and basic plumbing equipment link a monkey wrench, etc.
  48. Boards. Yes, boards. The wooden kind. Remember those tools? You might need them and these boards to wall up windows, doorways, anyplace that could be an opening. Hopefully you’ve bought that country house with strong shutters, but a backup never hurts. How many boards will you need? However many you feel are necessary and for which you have the room to store.
  49. Armor. No, not the metal Medieval kind. I’m talking leather jackets. Steel-toed boots. A work helmet or a motorcycle helmet. No, you won’t have to wear this stuff all the time while in your house or potential “safe zones,” but you should have it ready for zombie attacks or if you should have to go out into the zombies for some dumb reason.
  50. Bicycles. They’re quiet. They’re mobile. They’re easy to use. Have several. You might never need them, but why not be prepared?

Related links

5 Weapons to Have for a Zombie Apocalypse

Logical Misanthropy, horror and fantasy author’s blog

  • Ace Muldoon

    It didn’t make me laugh, but it was a good, interesting read. I love the whole zombie-mythology.

  • eri g

    email” fishhg@yahoo.com wen da invasion starts pls email me im doing all this plus building a moat yep med evil style with the side of dats facing da house of concreate dats unclimbable ima cover the moat and with a control to open it quick and fill with spears facing up and upstairs im going to have a secret laadder to a roof green house. im planing more and if ur surviving on ur own contact me and u can come 2 my survival house i live in a small town with country surrounding it