A Crash of Jokes with a Scottish Tilt

There are plenty of Glaswegians who are happy to be unemployed but not Stevie. He found himself in the Job Centre, where the clerk asked if he could help.
“I want a job in a bowling alley” Stevie said.
“Ten-pin” replied the Clerk.
“Naw – permanent!”

On the subject of sports (well if ten-pin bowling is indeed a sport!) it brings memories of a famous sign within a Scottish golf club, that read:

  • Keep your back straight, bend the knees slightly, keep your feet shoulder-width apart.
  • Form a loose grip.
  • Keep your head down and do not move your head.
  • Avoid a quick back swing.
  • Stay out of the water.
  • Try not to hit anyone.
  • If taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
  • Do not stand directly in front of others.
  • Remain quiet while others are preparing.
  • Extra strokes are not allowed.

All very well and good you may be thinking at this stage but right at the bottom of the sign were the immortal words: Now Flush Urinal

Read more in Humor« Lol, Women and Learner Drivers, Wtf and Just Plain Dumb

Haha, a bit of toilet humour there for you, and continuing on that theme, many people have a set of bathroom scales to weigh themselves. Two Edinburgh youths were walking through a department store when they saw a set of scales. The first youth had no idea what it was so asked his friend. His pal was a bit more clued up and had seen both his parents use it so he answered his pal “It’s something you keep in your bathroom and it makes you mad!”

Shopping has changed in recent years. A granny was complaining about the cost of living in this modern time: “When I was a lass,” she said, “ah could go out with thrupence and come back with three loaves of bread, two dozen eggs, six rashers of bacon, four pints of milk, and 20 cigarettes for your Grandpa.”
“Aye” said her Grandson, “That’s inflation for you.”
Granny says, “Nothing to do with inflation sonny, it’s all the security cameras they have nowadays!”

There was once a pair of siamese twins from Glasgow who decided to write their life story. It was to be one of the best autobiographies of all time. It was called: “Oor Wullie”.

The only other known case of Siamese twins in Scotland, happened in Auchtermuchty. Jimmy McDonny started going out with her but it didn’t last long; he started seeing her sister behind her back.

One day a wife had been at a beauty salon in Dundee. On coming home she asked her husband what his opinion was; “How old do you think I look now?” said the wife.
“Well, from looking at your skin I would say twenty. Looking at your hair maybe twenty-five. By the looks of your nails…..”
“Oh c’mon,” replied the giggling wife, “you’re just flattering me now.”
“Hold on, I haven’t added them altogether yet!”

Once upon a time a BBC interviewer was sent on a mission to find out about the derivations of place names in Scotland. When in Edinburgh she stopped a woman and asked: “Excuse me madam, do you know why Edinburgh is so called?”
“Don’t be so stupid,” the woman replied, “it’s warmer than Glasgow!”

(For those of you who don’t quite get that one, Scottish people are oft known to pronounce ‘cold’ as ‘called’!)

At this point, I am reminded of a story that happened at a cinema in Aberdeen. The cinema manager made the following announcement: “Will the person who lost a wallet with £500 in it, please form a double queue at the ticket office.”

There was a small, old man from Pert, who slowly shuffled into his local cafe. He stood for a couple of minutes to catch his breath before painfully sitting down. A waitress came over to take his order; he chose a banana split.
“crushed nuts?” asked the waitress.
“Nah, arthritis” said the old man.

If you liked this one, please check out: A Rash of Jokes With A Scottish Tilt

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