A Guide to Surviving Zombies

Published by in Humor
29th Jun 2010

In the even of a zombie attack, do you:

a) Whip out a rifle and blow its head off

b) Play dead

c) Make friends with it


If you answered a) to the above question, you have now died.

If you answered b) to the above question, you have now died.

If you answered c) to the above question, I suggest you see a therapist. And you are dead.

If you answered d) to the above question, chances are you have survived. Unless you regularly skipped gym class.

Now, you may be thinking: “Zombies? They are the stuff of fiction. Phah.”

Well my fellow bretheren, I can assure you that the zombie threat of today is VERY REAL. As a strong advocate of protector of the human race,  I suggest you follow these instructions carefully. VERY carefully.

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What is a zombie?

Zombies are born in the unusual event that a human corpse has been brought back to life. Causes of this may include errors in necromancing (in communicating with spirits, they have accidentally been ressurected), black magic/voodoo, or when a meteor falls on a night of a full moon during a leap year.

Zombies look exactly like humans. They look vaguely similair to the corpses that they once were. However, there are notable differences. First off, zombies are usually missing limbs. Sometimes heads. Their bones are exposed and their flesh is rancid. Expect brain juice leaking from their ears. Disgusting, but true.

They have major behavioural differences compared to humans as well. For starters, they have no manners whatsoever. This is why answer c) to the question is possibly the stupidest thing you could (attempt) to do. Though they look submissive (and occasionally stupid), they act purely on instinct and develop animallistic behaviour. When enraged, their temper will not cease until the zombie is satisfied. They have no form of sophisticated communication, and their speech is mostly made up of grunts. In a swarm, they often use gestures to convey messages.

Probably the most dangerous thing about a zombie is its craving for human brains. A zombie’s incredible sense of smell allow it to detect a brain from miles away. Once smelt, a zombie will be determined to pursue a brain for more than two days.

How to survive a zombie attack

In the event that your brain is in danger of being consumed by a starved zombie, there are a number of things you should consider.

Firstly, always be prepared. It is useful if you construct/purchase an underground hole in which to hide in if you are chased by zombies. Inside your lair, you should keep a good supply of canned food, in case you have to stay in for more than a few hours. It is recommended to keep pungeant food, such as cheese, so that your brain’s scent is clouded, confusing a zombie. Sometimes entertainment is a good idea. Putting a foosball table or a DVD player in your cave is not a bad idea, especially if you have to share it for a long time with someone you hate.

In the event that you cannot afford a cave or you are nowhere near one, the best thing to do is run. Always know a route to a safe refuge. If you attempt to Trying to kill a zombie will only anger it. Remember, they are undead creatures, so you cannot re-kill them. If you reach a shelter, lock all the doors and windows and hide in an enclosed space in the event that a zombie does manage to enter.

If you are somehow unable to run, another good idea is to pretend to be a zombie. Having a vacant stare and walking with your legs straight is usually good. The zombie will be tricked into thinking that you are a fellow zombie who has just consumed a brain, rather than being the owner of one. Show aggressive behaviour and keep your impression on until the other zombie is scared off.

If you happen to be amongst a swarm of zombies, I am deeply sorry, but chances are, you have met your fate. My advice to you is to live your life as full as possible, so when you do meet your death, you have lived a full life.


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