It really has been a long time coming for this third instalment of jokes with a Scottish tilt. For those who missed the first two they were called & A Rash of Jokes with a Scottish Tilt. Anyway, with out further ado, here is a trash of jokes with a Scottish tilt!
A ninety year old Scotsman walked in to his local medical centre with a problem that is not uncommon amongst gentleman of such an age.
“Can I be of assistance?” said the receptionist.
“Ah need tae see the doctor as soon as possible, ah’ve got a problem wi’ ma willy!”
“Sir, you cannot just walk in here and say something like that, take a look around, the waiting room is full of people and language like that is just embarrassing. You should have used another word instead, like ear, and then when you see the doctor in private you can tell him the real problem.”
The old man took the receptionists words to heart and walked out the medical centre and then re-entered.
“Can I help you sir?” asked the receptionist.
“Aye, ah need tae see the doctor. Ah canna piss oot ma ear!”
A true story from one of the ‘rougher’ areas of Glasgow, where crime is rife, comes in the form of a ‘you couldn’t make it up. Having come in to some money, auld Jock purchased a new carpet for his house. Being somewhat canny, and not wanting to pay for the ‘cooncil’ to pick it up, he decided to leave the old carpet out in his front garden with a sign saying “Free Carpet: Help Yourself”. A whole fortnight went by and the carpet was still there. Auld Jock needed a change of tact and replaced the sign with a new one that read “Carpet For Sale: £25″ – within the hour, someone stole the carpet!
Q: Two cows in a field, which one’s on holiday?
A: The one with the wee calf.
True story: a Scottish woman who was on the way to thr Registry Office to register the name of her sixth child had already decided what the name would be. All her other children had been named after famous people and this one was no different. When asked which famous person she would like her child named after, the woman answered Orson, after Orson Welles. The poor man at the Registyr Office replied:” But, Mrs Cart, surely you can’t name your child Orson?”
In the not to distant past in Aberdeen a bank robbery took place (oh the excitement). The robbers ordered all the staff to take off thier clothes and lie face down on the floor. One female member of staff pulled off all of her clothes and lay on her back. “Turn ove,” whispered the girl lying beside her “this is a hold up no’ the office Christmas party”.
On to the football now. One day Neil Lennon was at Murray Park watching Rangers train with their manager Walter Smith.
“Hey Walter,” asked Neil Lennon “how come your always so shrewd in the transfer market while we spend so much money on dross?”
“Quite simple Neil all you have to do is ask them a question before you sign them, if they get it right then you know you are on to a winner, watch”
At that, Walter Smith calls over Davie Weir and says: “Davie, who is your father’s brother’s nephew?”
“It’s me boss” replied Davie Weir.
“That’s quite clever,” said Neil Lennon “I will have to try that back at Parkhead”
At training next day Neil Lennon called Scott Brown over and asked him “Who is your father’s brother’s nephew?”
“Eh, that’s a toughie boss, can I get back to you after training on that one?”
During a break at training Scott Brown, still struggling with the question, decides to ask team mate Shaun Maloney.
“Hey Shaun, the boss has asked me a really tough question, who is your father’s brother’s nephew?”
“It’s me!” Maloney answered.
After training had finished, Scott Brown ran up to Neil Lennon and said he had the answer “Shaun Maloney” to which, Neil Lennon replied: “Don’t be so stupid, it’s Davie Weir!”
Hope you enjoyed this trash of jokes with a Scottish tilt and be sure to check out a and a rash of jokes with a Scottish tilt.