Abraham Lincoln (Humor)

Published by in Humor
11th May 2011



            Abe rolled over after awakening with bright sunlight shining in his eyes. He swung his feet over the side of the bed and pulled his shorts and top hat on. He got up and ambled over to the powder room. He leaned over the sink and looked at himself in the elegantly made mirror. He leaned down to splash cold water on his face, but as he did so he remembered that this had never worked for him. Abe sighed and walked out of the room grabbing his robe on his way out. He shouldered himself into it as he walked down the stairs of his aging home. Built in 1792 it was already nearing 100 years old. The step’s last step creaked as it always did once his foot made contact with it. He walked out the front door barefoot to retrieve the newspaper lying in his lush front lawn. As he walked out the front door he took in the scenery of the outdoor scene on the morning of 17 November 1863. It was a beautiful morning, fresh as a spring day, the dew on the grass glistening in the sunlight, and the birds flying over head… that is until a bird got hit by a plane but Lincoln dismissed it after a moment. He strolled across the thick grass and picked the newspaper up off of the ground. He skimmed through it but didn’t see much of anything interesting or of any relevance to his life. He walked about 20 feet and lay on the grass staring up at the clouds as the sun warmed him. He fell back asleep shortly with his wang hanging out of the side of his G-string. About 15 minutes later he was awoken by his long-time friend and colleague, Butler Warchester. He had called him on Abe’s iPhone. He answered and realized the time of day. That was, in fact what Butler had been calling over. He tucked himself back in and hurried inside. As he jogged in he ran up the stairs but a small draft caught his top hat and it blew off. Rarely being seen without his top hat Lincoln had to get it back. He jumped into the air and did a back flip off of the top step and caught the hat on top of his head less than 2 seconds after being separated from it. He then proceeded to step through the threshold of the White House’s front door. Butler rushed up to him and told him he had an urgent e-mail from Ulysses S. Grant (technology is advanced for the time because Christianity didn’t exist so the Crusades/ Dark Ages never occurred making technological increases in that era.)  He went to check his inbox and found the exact message in question. He read it and it was Grant saying that the battle of Gettysburg was over with the total body count at an approximate total of 50,000. After much deliberation and discussion on the subject Abe and his colleagues concurred that he should address this epic win for the Union to the public. They decided he was to travel to Gettysburg and present his speech on 19 November of that year. The only problem Lincoln could see with this plan was that he had that night and the next day to write proof and prepare this speech. But little did Lincoln and his fellow friends and co-workers know that this hastily drawn together speech would be a masterpiece that would be highly regarded for centuries.

  • Kristie Claar

    very interesting…good work

  • Julio Von Hamus

    This is quite literally the most amazing story I have ever read in my entire life of over 16,449,392 years.

    “After many hours Lincoln grew bored and pulled out his laptop and began Tweeting about “”How gay having to write for hours on end”” was.”

    Genius. I love you. I used to think that Teddy Roosevelt was the best president, but clearly Abe Lincoln is a supreme bad ass. I mean come on, he has an iPhone, laptop, Lamborghini, and he can take a flight on the airplane that hasn’t even been invented yet. THAT, my friend, is the true definition of l33t.

    I like to think that I am pretty good at what I do, which primarily involves critiquing stories and clubbing baby seals, but right now were not talking about seals. We’re talking about awesome. Which, by the way, if you look up in the dictionary, has a picture of David Draiman, but if you look closely he is holding up a picture of the author of this story. My primary rating scale for a story of this genre is usually between one and ten. However, for this story I have to give it the rating of God. That’s right. God with a capital G.

    Picture in your mind now the popular YouTube comment “I find this video difficult to masturbate to.” This story embodies the exact opposite of this comment. This story embodies the epicness of the final showdown between Optimus Prime and Megatron. Yeah, that’s right. I went there. Transformer: Revenge of the Fallen reference ftw. This story also embodies the movie Shooter, a.k.a. the single best movie ever made ever, no matter what.