Advice for the June Groom

Published by in Humor
25th Aug 2016

Prospective brides are always getting advice on what to expect from marriage. There are countless magazines dedicated to just this topic. Now, for the first time, the prospective groom gets advice on the pitfalls and trip wires of marriage.

I saw my first robin of Spring yesterday…two guys held up

a Seven-Eleven. (Rim shot.)

But, yes, it is Spring and that means bright sunshine,

colorful flowers and a young man’s fancy turns

to…baseball. Just kidding. I mean, love. And what

follows love, but engagements. And what follows

engagements, but marriage. And what follows marriage, but

fighting over control of the TV remote.

This year there will be more June brides than June bugs.

Women are lucky in that they usually have a prenuptial

discussion with their mothers about what to expect out of

marriage. Men have a prenuptial discussion about what to

expect out of a marriage, too. It’s called the bachelor


That’s why I would like to use this column to advise the

young men, about to make that important step, of the

pitfalls and trip wires to avoid.

First of all, there are two very important magic words you

must learn before we continue.

Those words are, “I’m

sorry.” Learn them.

Practice them in front of a mirror.

Saying these two words, convincingly, can mean the

difference between being served your favorite dinner and a

bowl of Kibbles “N Bits.

At work, you may be the one who makes all the important

decisions, but once you pass through the portals of your

domicile, your decisions don”t mean squat. To avoid

confrontations and a series of squabbles that will only end

in you having to say the two “magic” words anyway, leave

the decisions to her. She will appreciate you for having

enough confidence in her decision making and you won’t have

to worry about where she hid your underwear. (Besides,

you’ll get used to sleeping in a fuchsia bedroom with

periwinkle slipcovers and a hot pink canopy.)

Just like you, wives go through different changes in moods.

However, even if you lived together for forty years before

getting married, you will never see all the moods that they

go through. Taking an educated guess, I would have to

safely say that there are only about sixteen minutes a

month that your wife won’t want to take a power tool to one

of your limbs.

Another thing to keep in mind is…you’re wrong. Accept

that fact. You are never right. If the sky is blue,

you’re wrong.

If tomorrow is Friday, you’re wrong.

There’s another phrase you may want to start practicing.

“You’re right, dear.” In fact, if you combine the two

phrases that you have been taught, (“I’m sorry. You’re

right, dear.”) effectively, many a night on the sofa with a

spring jabbing you in the back can be avoided.

Be prepared to be made to look like an incompetent fool at

any time. If you leave the bath mat on the floor after

taking a shower, you will be notified. If you leave the

bath mat on the floor a second time, she will personally

come down to your place of work, with bath mat in hand,

point to it, and in her most condescending voice say, “Did

we forget something today?”

There is a way of not doing housework, but it takes

practice and being able to look foolish with a sincere

expression on your face. Let’s say you’ve been assigned to

do the laundry. Wait for her to catch you loading the

washer with whites and a stack of blue socks and ask her if

you should use hot water.

She will immediately push you to

the side and tell you, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

In which case, your response will be what? Correct. “I’m

sorry. You’re right, dear.” This will be an excellent

opportunity for you to grab the sports section of the

newspaper and head to the “library.” (Just remember, the

lid must be down when you finish. Better known as the

Eleventh Commandment.)

Well, got to go.

My wife just walked by and gave me THAT look. It can only mean one thing. After making my

sandwich for lunch today, I must have left my knife on the

counter instead of washing, drying and putting it away.

So, keep in mind these simple rules and you, too, will have

a marriage made in Heaven. “What’s that? The knife goes

in the silverware drawer and not on the counter? I’m

sorry. You’re right, dear.”

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