All Hail, Poundcurevah!

Published by in Humor
29th Dec 2008

I hereby announce the existence of the One True Deity of Americans, the deity of “the pound of cure”, whom I dub “PoundCureVah”.

All hail, PoundCureVah!

PoundCureVah wasn’t always so prominent in the great American deity pantheon. But I’ve seen PoundCureVah worship increase by leaps and bounds in my lifetime.

Allow me to re-aquaint you with PoundCureVah’s diverse and sundry gifts and blessings, for which you tithe and sacrifice with monetary and temporal resources (aka your life), to the tune of which most kids now graduating from high school are likely incapable of doing the math to comprehend.

How about these for starters: bike locks, door locks, window locks, lockers, automobile anti-theft devices, home security systems, automatic light timers/dimmers, hidden cameras, passwords, PIN’s, self-defense courses, encryption, WEP keys, anti-virus software, spam-filtering software, safe-deposit boxes, hotel safes, hotel room safes, anti-theft product packaging, anti-theft RF devices, security guards, police, armies, weapons, anti-weapon weapons, intelligence agencies, bureau’s of investigation, private investigators, lawyers, judges, governments.

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Any idea how much all that costs us all, both in terms of upfront cost of purchase, and then the time spent using it all, making it all work, and making sure it stays ahead of those who would circumvent it?

Let’s look at just a simple bike lock and chain.

The one-time expense was bad enough. Certainly, the same money would have been much more appreciated going toward candy or something else intrinsically enjoyable.

But then there was the ongoing, incremental time cost, when arriving somewhere, and eventually departing.  The round trip of effort with the lock and chain consisted of finding an immobile object to lock the bike to, unlocking the lock itself, unwinding the chain, threading the chain through the tires and around the immobile object, and securing the lock – and then the reverse when leaving.

How much of my life did I lose to that?

Let’s say it took 2 minutes upon arrival, and 2 minutes at departure, 3 times a day, 100 days out of the year, for 10 years (ages 5-15). If you do that math, and consider each day as having 16 waking hours, that means I spent 12.5 full waking days of my life doing nothing but locking and unlocking my bike.

How much of your life has gone, and will go, toward paying for and operating even a small percentage of the aforementioned gifts and blessings, which isn’t even an exhaustive list? Do you have any idea how much overhead encryption adds to computer communications and processing – in other words, wastes your time/life?

Such are the many gifts and blessings for which you indirectly give thanks and praise to PoundCureVah, every time your shrug your shoulders over such activity, every time you have completely forgotten about the impact thereof upon your life, for having so thoroughly denied it over the years.

But you know what? You don’t have to worship – aka serve – PoundCureVah. There’s a far simpler, kinder, less demanding deity.

It’s name?

OuncePreventionVah!

How do you worship and serve OuncePreventionVah?

You raise and become and lovingly tolerate nothing less than better people.

And tell PoundCureVah to go lock himself….

  • thestickman

    Enjoyable read!!

  • talkwithme2

    Awesome READ!

  • hollygolightly

    Loved the diagnosis, but the prescription is as weak as herbal tea. Without the real God, there is no internal compass. No compass? Only more neutered ways to seek after what once was. And all will continue to worship Poundcurevah without Him. Without him even hotel thieves consider themselves “good people.”