An Apology From Bp Oil

Published by in Humor
13th Jun 2010

Image by via Flickr

“I’m an oilman, ladies and gentlemen. I have numerous concerns spread across this state. I have many wells flowing at many thousand barrels per day. I like to think of myself as an oilman. As an oilman, I hope that you’ll forgive just good old fashioned plain-speaking.”  – There Will Be Blood: 2007

Dear United States of America,

As president of B.P. Oil and Petroleum, I would like to offer a full and inclusive apology to all residents of the Gulf States for the recent oil spill which has occurred in the past month or so. It was never the intention of B.P. Oil, nor any of our affiliate investors, to pollute the ecosystem within the Gulf of Mexico. This whole mess is our fault. Although we claim full responsibility for the accident, we would also like to point out a few points of interest that the public may have overlooked.

Read more in HumorHow to Get Kicked Out of a Wegmans »

 Number one: Oil is a naturally occurring substance – Although most people understand that oil is something people need to “drill for” or “find” underneath the earth’s surface, few people really understand what exactly oil is. Have you ever heard the expression, “It’s like oil and water”? Well, what does that mean? It means a relationship is at two complete opposites. This is to say, water is completely different from oil. But, here is the kicker; oil is comprised of approximately 15% hydrogen and oxygen. You put those 2 together and what do you get? Water! What does this mean for the current situation in the Gulf? Well, we at B.P. would like to suggest that whatever the total amount of oil spilled into the Gulf that scientists and ecologists finally agree upon, they will be 15% off the target. We are happy to announce that things are only about  85% as bad as they seem! Although I understand that things are still “pretty bad”, the point here is, cheer up a little! The whole mess is 15% less of a problem than its all being made out to be.

  • Lord Banks

    Very funny great read. BP has had awful press Britain is taking a few punches below the belt right now. Lets not forget it was an American rig staffed by Americans. All oil companies reguardless of nationality should take better care of the enviroment. LB