And Then Buffy Staked Edward. The End

Published by in Humor
18th May 2010

All our lives we’ve been taught by Hollywood and television that there are people out there – hunters and slayers whose sole duty it is to protect us from the evil undead. So when a creepy dude who looks like a disco ball gone wrong starts picking up jailbait from local high schools, where is the undead law enforcement, huh? I mean, this innocent (and so, so stupid, just for the record) girl starts shacking it up with a corpse, how is there no-one around to scream “necrophilia!” and run for the nearest wooden stake? I mean, this guy goes into hiding when he smells the wrong girl and thinks he’s Einstein for identifying mitosis, he’d probably evaporate into smoke if you hurt his feelings. I don’t think I’m asking for too much – no army, no tanks, just one girl in all the world… to insult Edward Cullen.

It’s pretty obvious that something fishy is going down in Forks (or whatever that stupid town is that has the least sunshine or whatever the ridiculous excuse was for setting the story there), what with the maulings and disappearances and the disproportionate number of men wearing eyeliner. I just feel like somebody should have been notified, at least about the werewolf killings… also, that’s pushing the bounds of sexual wholesomeness in the direction of bestiality, so it’s sort of a ‘lesser of two evils’ kind of deal. Either way, I am begging right now for a vigilante or a crusader (masked or otherwise) to stop this shiny emo. Or Stephenie Meyer, your call.