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Cow Farts, Inc
Published by clay hurtubise in Animal
December 28, 2008
Desperate for cash, I turned to my trusty Holsteins to fight of the taxman.
Love waking up to the smell of a good cow fart in the morning. Like most farmers, I’ve grown accustomed to the smell of animals. Damp animals, dusty animals, animals in heat, you name it, I’ve smelled it. Yet, I was slow on the uptake: see, it was only two years ago last month that I discovered cow patties. Cow farts, well, we’ll get back to that, sure enough. I’ve been stepping in patties all my life: with my boots on, dress shoes, sandals, and of course, barefoot with that fresh warm pattie just slithering up between my toes. But I never took the time to really understand them. Never took the time to study em up close and all. You know, not just the crispy sun dried ones, but be brave man, stick your arm out and catch a fresh one. Toasty. Now that’s up close and personal. Used the field ones as Frisbees, fire starters, and even that so called Modern Art. Yes-ah. Hung some up on my wall. Painted a few of em. Liked the red and blue one best, (stay away from yellow!).
Point is, you can see something all your life, yet never really see it. Cow patties saved my farm. The taxman was beating on my door and I needed an answer. Turns out it was right underfoot. First I use to gather em up and sell them as organic fire starters at the health food store. Then there was my Modern Art period. Might get back into that someday. Then I discovered the big bucks: eBay. Hoo-boy! Genuine organic, sun dried cow patties for only $4.99 plus shipping ( buy three and get free shipping). Had to buy more cows. Neighbors thought I was nuts, asking if they had any patties they could spare, but shoot, most folks just burn em up for heat. Such a shame.
Now I have a nice little pattie business plopping along and I got to thinking. Cows fart. A lot. There had to be money in there somehow. Talked to some of them college folks and I learned more than a gay man in choir. Halleluiah! Those farts will burn. Just like when we was boys, my brothers and I would take turns lying on the floor and lighting our farts. We’d try to light a candle about three feet away. Damn, though, Leo, my eldest and gassiest, had one backfire and it blew him into smithereens, Bless His Heart.
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9 Comments
All my animals, sheep, llama, donkey, mini horses, all poo in nice round balls, probably of no use for fire starting..
clever idea to sell on eBay though!
the problem I see with capturing the cow farts is that the cattle would have to have the contraptions strapped to them constantly – as such it would catch poo and farts, and become a bit of a problem rubbing their bums…. heck got me thinking…
Just added you as a friend..enjoyed this read, Clay..I thought the tax man was going to get the manure in his face:))What a waste!!
LOL Loved your Satirical Story. I grew up on a farm too. Milked cows by hand, had milk goats, had horses, pigs and chickens. Still have chickens. Plan to get goats again maybe this spring. Last bunch got killed by a cougar. We got a better set up for them now. I can relate with all you wrote and quite envision it. I know that squishy warm feeling of fresh cow patties between the toes. LOL. Never occured to me we could sell those patties or make them into artistic pieces to be admired. Goat poo would not have the same effect they are too round and pebbly. Hmmm maybe I can paint them and make them into a beaded necklace and new jewelry design, Goat pellet earrings anyone.
Love your style& sense of humour really funny story Gets my thumbs up
Geri
:0 :0
That made me smile, thanks
Cow pattie toss competition, anyone?
Oh my gosh! I almost couldn’t get this little bit written for crying so hard, and I have a six pack now…..What about wheel chocks man?
That was too good.
AC
Your amazing AC, was this a real life experience? Where do you come up with this stuff
Fun, have to try that with my chickens!