Querrian: Hello everybody. I am here today with the ever mysterious Loch Ness Monster. Thank you for being my guest today.

Nessie: Sure. Although I’m not sure why so many people refer to me as a monster. I mean, what have I ever done to have people think I am a monster? I usually keep to myself, you know, not bothering anybody. I’ve never terrorized anyone. I don’t think that would classify me as a monster.

Querrian: Well, I certainly didn’t -

Nessie: And I know you were just addressing me with the common and most popular name given me. And that’s ok. I mean, I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining or anything.

Querrian: No. Of course not.

Nessie: I mean, after all. I am very grateful to be on your program.

Querrian: We’re glad to have you.

Nessie: Of course I don’t do many personal appearances. I tend to keep to myself a lot. I thought about turning this down, you know. But after hearing it was WeeBe Querrian, well you know, I had to do it for you.

Querrian: And I thank you.

Nessie: And of course all the networks are going to be screaming to get me on now. I’m going to have to turn them all down. I just like to keep to myself. They would probably bill me as The Loch Ness Monster too. But that’s ok. It’s not like it bothers me or anything.

Querrian: It doesn’t?

Nessie: I mean, after all, that was the name they wanted to give me. Even though I’ve done nothing to indicate I was a monster. I am not a monster.

Querrian: I think they call that the Frankenstein Complex.

Nessie: I mean, you can call me Nessie. That’s a more appropriate name. It doesn’t indicate I am a monster or anything.

Querrian: And it’s not like you’re going to eat me or anything, right?

Nessie: Well, I’m a vegetarian. Loch Ness has plenty of fine vegetation for my diet. It’s just as well, too, for me to try and keep my figure. I’m not that active, you know. I usually keep under water and to myself a lot. I don’t dine out often, although there have been times when I would crave a certain leaf. Just like any creature would, I guess. But then again, I do have to watch what I eat. It all goes straight to my hips and then it gets tough to move about. I’m doing ok now, though. My weight is fine. I don’t feel fat. Do I look fat?

Querrian: No. Not at all. You fill that chair rather nicely.

Nessie: After all, a creature my size needs to be careful about weight gain. Not that I’m overly concerned about weight gain. A creature my size, it’s only natural that I have some fat to me to protect me from the cold waters. I mean, that helps and all.

Querrian: So let me get a question in here. How about that?

Nessie: Well, I thought that’s why you invited me here today. You can ask me a question. I mean, it’s great that you’ve invited me to be on your show. WeeBe Querrian. Wow. It’s like I am a big star now. But that’s really not what I’m looking for. Only for you, I am here, WeeBe. I’d love to talk to you about anything you want.

Querrian: Ok. So, we all know about that famous picture -

Nessie: Oh yes. That famous picture. I was curious to see if that would come up today. It’s what everyone talks about. The picture. You know, that’s not really me.

Querrian: No?

Nessie: Well, as you can see, I am a bit taller than what appears in the photograph. It was a good attempt, though. You would have to say. I’m just not sure why they billed it as a monster. Although, I’d have to admit that I am a bit camera shy. I mean, I probably wouldn’t take a good picture anyway. And I am always conscious about my figure. Oh, I don’t know. Just no pictures for now. That’s all.

Querrian: Ok.

Nessie: And it isn’t like I mind when someone wants to snap a photo of me. I don’t know. It’s just that I’d rather keep to myself. I don’t understand the big attraction, anyhow. I mean, look at me. Am I anything to look at? I think Big Foot is a better creature if you wanted to see something like that.

Querrian: I tried to get him on but he wouldn’t return my calls.

Nessie: Well, I think he has an agent now. And that’s good for him, you know? He’s growing in popularity and everything. You know, it’s funny how he gets so many names and not one of them has the word “monster” in it. Well, that’s good for him, though. He deserves a good life. Let him be in the news and be on all those network shows. Not me. I don’t want the publicity. I’m fine living in ambiguity, you know what I mean? It’s better for me that way. I guess it could be a bit of shyness.

Querrian: Well, thanks for coming out of your shell today.

Nessie: Well, I don’t have a shell. As you can see, it’s just a hump. It’s not like I am a turtle or anything. You know, like a shell that a turtle would have.

Querrian: I didn’t mean that you have a -

Nessie: And I have some friends who are turtles. Well, you can probably call them acquaintances. It’s not that I spend a lot of time with them. It’s sort of difficult when a turtle invites you into their home. It can get a bit uncomfortable for me sometimes. So I see them every now and then, you know. Ask how the kids are doing and things like that. It’s ok.

Querrian: So you generally stay deep within Loch Ness?

Nessie: Well, it has all the creature comforts for me. I like it there. It’s my home. I’m like most creatures when it comes to their home. You make your home and you feel safe and comfortable there. I have no need to venture too far from home. I’m not like some people who crave adventure or are interested in seeing other parts of the world. Home is where I am most comfortable. It’s not like I want to offend anyone by mostly keeping to myself. And I know that there are many people out there just wanting to get a good look at me. Well, that’s ok. Let them keep trying. It doesn’t really bother me. Although, as I said, I really don’t see what the big fuss is about. Is that wrong of me?

Querrian: No. Not at all.

Nessie: I mean, after all. What’s wrong with just staying in one place all your life? It’s a good home. I make of it what I want. Not too many things bother me there.

Querrian: I see. Well, I think we are running out of time.

Nessie: And it’s not like I don’t care for the rest of the world. I am as proud of this Earth as the next creature.

Querrian: Join me next time for another WeeBe Querrian Exclusive Interview.

Nessie: As I said, it’s just that I like being a home body. What’s wrong with that?

Querrian: Ok. We’re done now.

Nessie: I mean, after all. I don’t think there is anything about me that is strikingly interesting. Perhaps that’s why they refer to me as a monster. You know, to stir some excitement. But I don’t think that’s all necessary.

Querrian: Hey, can someone turn off that mic? Yes. Just turn it off. Thank you.