I have a theory. It’s unsubstantiated, but what theory isn’t? It has to do with animals – cats, dogs and birds – your garden variety house pet. Although it’s become more apparent those animals of the wild kingdom variety fall into this spectrum also.

Okay. Are you ready? I have concluded that animals are the product of reincarnation.

Let’s face it. How many times have we looked at a cat or dog lounging in the sun, just as relaxed as can be, and said to ourselves, “Now that’s the life. I wish I was sleeping in a nice, warm spot, instead of mowing this grass as the sweat pours into my eyes and blind me to the point that I run the mower over the daffodils it took me three years to finally get to bloom?” Who’s to say this wasn’t heard by some higher authority and was granted to that person at the time of their demise?

Dogs, I believe, were at one time, native language speaking individuals, because of the way they understand what you’re saying to them. You call them, they come. You tell them to sit, they obey. Lie down, beg, stay – these commands are said to them in their native tongues and are understood.

I also feel that dogs know they are reincarnated. They’re always running and wagging their tails and licking your face and happy as if they were glad to be alive again. (Even if it means they have to eat their meals from a bowl on the kitchen floor.)

Cats, on the other hand, are reincarnated from countries other than our native speaking language. They never listen to what you say or do what you ask of them. So, it’s safe to conclude that cats either do not understand the language being spoken to them, or they are reincarnated teenagers.

Birds are tricky. Some can speak the native tongue, others prefer to gaze at themselves constantly in their little bird mirrors. So, we can assume that birds are either bilingual, or they have been reincarnated after working as J.C. Penny catalogue models.

As I mentioned before, it’s possible that some animals from outside the house pet arena can also be considered a result of being former Homosapiens.

Take, for example, the pig – an oversized, sloppy animal that enjoys wallowing in the mud and thus perpetuating low self-esteem. Easily recognizable, in the human form, as a Sumo wrestler, or game show host.

The horse, I surmise, was some sort of athlete in a prior existence; probably in track and field, during the original Roman Olympic era. That, or the way they steal my money at the track, an attorney.

Other animals that I feel were brought to us from a reincarnated state of time: The monkey – probably a politician. (They’re fun to watch, but nobody takes them seriously.) The turtle – a former emergency room attendant. The bushmaster – unmistakably, at one time, a village idiot.

There are, of course, others too numerous to mention, and we probably just scratched the surface of this theoretical development. I just hope that I may have sparked some interest in what could conceivably be a breakthrough in the understanding of our little furry and feathered friends.

So, keep in mind, the next time you punish that “pooch” of yours. That very well could have been your grandfather’s Uncle Leo you caught drinking out of the toilet.