Language Arts

Cats don’t read and they don’t want you to read either. Kittens learn from an early age how to claw book bindings, bat newspapers and sit on reading materials. If you want to read, wait until they are asleep, which at my house is all the time.

Penmanship

When cats feel it is absolutely necessary to communicate via this method, they will do so, but usually only on the trunk, roof and hood of the most expensive car in the garage or driveway. If leaving muddy paw prints doesn’t work, they’ll often resort to chewing on your pencils and batting your favorite pen under the refrigerator.

Arithmetic

All you need to know is how many bags of kibble and treats to buy them. Take a tip from Garfield and when in doubt, overbuy.

Physics

Cats defy the laws of Physics at every turn. Their spines were designed with pleasure in mind.

Theatre Arts

Drama and cats. Your entire house is a stage and you are beguiled by their talents every day. Mine are true drama queens and save their very best vocalizations for the pre-dawn hours.

Chemistry

Dogs and Cats do not mix. That’s all you need to know.

Biology

Cats rule the natural world. Close the book already.

Psychology

The doctor is always in. There is nothing under the sun about the human psyche that a cat does not understand. Sharing that knowledge is another matter altogether. That will be $200 please.

Physical Education

My cats only play with cat toys when they think I am not looking. It took me quite awhile to figure this out. I know — I’m not as smart as a cat. See above subjects. For years, I thought I was wasting my money on catnip mice and plastic play balls, but recently I heard the merry jingle of a pink plastic ball coming from the living room. I was in the kitchen and every time my cat could hear me approaching she’d stop playing. She needs all the exercise she can get, so I beat feet back to the kitchen and was rewarded by jingling.

Chorus

Cats prefer to sing solo, but toms can be persuaded to join in special ensembles from time to time.

Government

Cats lead by a combination of Aristocracy and Feudalism. They are in charge.

Earth Science

The Earth is the Earth. Cats are somewhat concerned about our planet, but because they are the center of the entire universe, it is pretty much up to us to take care of it.

Social Studies.

Cats are sometimes social and you will be studied.