Best Jokes About Wifes on Sickipedia

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. 
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
   

 by  in  –  (+ ) – Added: 4 years, 0 months ago – Current Score: 6,169.8

My wife has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth. 

Clearly never trodden on a plug in the middle of the night then!

   

 by  in  –  (+ ) – Added: 2 years, 9 months ago – Current Score: 3,822.2

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, “They can’t do two things at once.” 

At this, I interrupted and said, “Actually I can!” 

“Give me an example,” she replied.

“Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend.”

   

 by  in  –  – Added: 4 years, 3 months ago – Current Score: 3,748.4

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

   

 by  in  –  (+ ) – Added: 2 years, 10 months ago – Current Score: 3,468.6

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

   

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 by  in  –  (+ ) – Added: 4 years, 4 months ago – Current Score: 3,319

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. 
“Since when do you wear womens pants?”
“Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!”
   

 by  in  –  – Added: 4 years, 3 months ago – Current Score: 3,051.4

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”
His wife replies, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.”
The man replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”
   

 by  in  –  – Added: 4 years, 5 months ago – Current Score: 2,979.8

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!”

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, “Quick! Bring me another beer! It’s gonna start!”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, “Quickly! Another beer! It’s gonna start any second!”

“That’s it!” She blows her top. “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don’t you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed. “Oh shit. It’s started.”

   

 by  in  –  – Added: 4 years, 4 months ago – Current Score: 2,780.8

I was shagging the wife last night and, after cumming for the second time, I rolled over.

My wife was not impressed and said, “How about finishing me off now?”

So I smothered her with my pillow.

   

 by  in  –  – Added: 3 years, 3 months ago – Current Score: 2,459.6

Husband and wife…

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you kiss me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
Wife – Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

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