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Guess who’s coming over for dinner? It’s your mother-in-law. Are you excited? Well here are ten fortune cookie sayings that you might hear from your dear mother-in-law.

1.   You look like a bum. You smell like a bum. I guess you are a bum. I don’t mean to be rude.

2.   Get a job! Get off your butt! What’s the matter with you? Have a nice day.

3.   You call this cooking? What are you trying to do? Are you trying to poison me? I’ll just have some wine.

4.   Lose some weight! You look like my next door neighbor. They call him the Elephant Man.

5.   Why did you ever marry my daughter? Where did I go wrong? By the way, wash your face and comb your hair.

6.   Did you know that divorce is a seven letter word? You can use it in Scrabble or on some other occasion.

7.   I’m ill. Call my doctor! Call my lawyer! Call my psychiatrist! Just get off your ass and start calling.

8.   You’re not getting anything from me when I’m dead. I’ve written you out of my will. Now start massaging my feet.

9.   Did anyone ever tell you that you bear a striking resemblance to the picture of the serial killer that is terrorizing the city?

10. Good news! Someone is moving into your home to live with you. I’ll give you one guess.