All football fans detest Cristiano Ronaldo, this I find to be fact. Even Manchester United fans get a sickly twinge in the pit of their stomach when that smug face of the Portuguese star is presented in front of them, I can assure them that this feeling is hatred and not a poorly prepared prawn sandwich.

So when the ‘winker’ smashed up his brand new Ferrari last year how many of us giggled and thought up a little one liner to text our mates with?! Yes you all did. It was rumoured he was racing with Dutch team mate Edwin Van Der Saar – it’s not the first time Ronaldo’s had an Italian between his legs with a Dutchman coming up the rear.

Whilst I was talking to a mate over this incident he had the indecency to leap to the defence of Ronaldo. While I spluttered over my pint he continued, ‘Ronaldo’s just a showman, he’s a quiet down to earth chap behind all the flashing cameras. I’m telling you he wouldn’t say boo to a goose’. After pausing from his outrageous defence of such a person I couldn’t help laugh at the little saying he ended with, ‘wouldn’t say boo to a goose’? What does that mean? So there are actually people out there that would do that? Ok Ronaldo might dive around, get people sent over and outrage many a visiting fan with his winking but he’s not as bad as Wayne Rooney who goes around scaring the shit out of unsuspecting poultry. That’s just mental.

I do love people’s sayings though, another I hear a lot which makes no sense at all is ‘worse things happen at sea’. What? I burn the dinner and get that response from the Mrs when I’ve stopped swearing at the oven? It makes no sense; it’s also bollocks as I proved because if you turn up at your local swimming baths that have a wave machine with 8 mates and big fuck off banana boat you see what the lifeguard does…….he goes mental, so how can worse things happen at sea when in Magaluf the other year I’m bouncing around on that banana boat happy as Larry in the sea and here I’m getting kicked out whilst being called a stupid twat?! And to top it off who’s Larry?

Seriously though I do love visiting the local swimming baths, its great fun but I always feel gutted when they signal your time is up. It’s never long enough for a splish splash splosh. The colour starts flashing and if that matches the colour your band around your ankle is then you’re out of there. But if you’re underwater, how can they tell what colour your band is? So you stay there, ‘treading water’ as they say in the trade and what gives you away? Well it’s when you attempt to make it from the pool to the flume that one last time……and they spot you a mile off, not because of the colour of your band it’s the fact you look like an extra from cocoon.