Sometimes computers get really annoyed with me. I don’t know what it is except that I seem to bring out the worst in them somehow. You may argue that computers are not alive, and cannot possibly get annoyed with a human being, and in fact, I should be the one getting annoyed rather than the machine…..yeah, right, and molasses runs uphill in January. Actually, I do get annoyed with my computers at times, but it is usually after the machine has its tantrum, rather than before. So, the next time my computer has its little hissy fit, I’ll just look it right in the monitor and say, “well, you started it, pal.”

My all time favorite thing to see on my computer screen is that cute little window that shouts at me that I have committed a fatal error, and then I watch in despair as the screen freezes up and three hours of writing goes bye-bye. Of course, the computer I’m really mad at, at that moment is the one in my head that persuaded me to go ahead and write the whole darn thing without saving it as I went along. Fatal errors are the ones that usually stab me in the back and then sit there laughing at me while I try to figure out how to fix it without turning off the computer. Of course, with the keyboard and mouse out of commission, the only thing I can do is turn it off. Sometimes I am amazed that I was actually able to write an entire book without having to start over sixteen times.

I also have a printer with a mind of its own that likes to have everything its way or the highway. Start a print job, then cancel it midway through, and see what fun it brings into your life. My printer does not like to let go of one job to start another. There is a lot of red tape I have to go through before I can persuade it to do as I wish. I have to carefully cancel all of the pending print jobs before my printer will allow me to print anything new, and it takes its sweet time deciding whether or not to delete the print jobs in question. If they are not deleted the printer either will not work at all, or will spew out seventeen sheets with nothing on them but computer cuss, that it prints on one edge of each sheet of paper. It’s usually the good photo paper too, the glossy kind that I always forget to remove from the printer’s big mouth before I tell it to print.

I have seen an ad in a novelty magazine that featured a little red panic button that you can place over any of the keys on your board. I always have to laugh when I see that, and I keep thinking I should get one for my own computer, but then I would really mess up the system because I would be pressing it all the time. Actually, I am still not as panicky as one person I know who shall remain nameless, who spends most of his computer time bellowing for me to come and help because the computer is screwing up again. He does not try to fix it himself because it is so much easier just to yell for me, and like most voice activated machines, I immediately move to comply.

One of the things I like about my computer is that it boots really fast. Unfortunately it makes up for it by making decisions very slowly. If I request a program and don’t see it pop up on the screen immediately, I get impatient and start clicking it over and over again. This, of course, inspires my computer to inform me that it cannot open that particular program because someone else is already running it in the back ground. Considering that my computer is not on a network, that’s a pretty lame excuse, but that’s the computer’s story and it’s sticking to it. I guess the machine is just being polite, not wanting to actually come right out and tell me to knock it off, it will get around to it when it’s darn good and ready.

One of the things I love to do on a computer is play games…..the wrong way. If I play my car racing game, sometimes instead of racing, I’ll just park my sports car and watch the other cars pile up in a big heap of virtual metal. Then when I get a large enough amount of cars in my crash site, I’ll back up my car, until a particularly lovely glitch in the program takes effect, causing the other vehicles on the road to dance, fly, spin around in wild circles, and roll up and down hills. Then when I pull forward again, I get to see cars upside-down, and busses bouncing along on their sides, and cars facing the wrong way on the freeway. The more interesting the crash site, the more fun I get to have. Sometimes I truly believe I must think like a guy.

I have a virtual pool/snooker game that I sometimes play, where I very seldom lose. The reason I seldom lose is simple; I cheat. I figured out how to do that early on, and am an invincible pool player now, well, on a computer screen, that is. I probably wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to hold the cue stick if I were playing on a real table. That game also features virtual chat rooms that are just like real ones, except that nobody’s actually there. You shoot, you score, you chat, the computer chats back, totally misinterpreting everything you have said, just like in a real chat room. It even gets mad and swears at you, just like in a real chat room. I try to avoid real chat rooms because everyone speaks a different language than I do, and I just sit there like a dork, trying to figure out what “rofl” means.

Before you start to roll on the floor laughing at my stupidity, (see? I really do know what that abbreviation means) just remember that you were once an internet rookie too. Just because the rest of the world has been online since a time pre-dating dirt, does not mean that I should know how to chat. Heck I have only recently learned how to instant message with other people, so don’t expect too much out of me too soon. In fact, I think I feel a really bad glitch coming on, so you’d better hurry up and save your work and make sure you press any key to continue.