Preoccupied with my latest session in my Adult Education Computer Class, I absentmindedly picked up my ringing telephone and winced when I recognized my beautiful but shrill daughter’s screech.

            “MOTHER!  WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?”        

            Quickly, I pinched my nose to give my voice a nasal quality.  “Hello, Dear.  I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now; but if you leave your number…”

            “Knock it off, Mom.  You don’t have an answering machine.  Where have you been for the past three weeks?”  My child snarled.

            “Has it been that long?”  I sighed regretfully.  “I’m sorry, dear.  I’ve been so involved in my computer class that I guess time just slipped away.”

            “Your class?  What on earth could you be doing that keeps you so tied up.”?  The girl sounded disbelieving.

            “The Internet, Dear.  You can’t imagine how exciting it is.  I can find any information I want on any subject you can imagine.”  I trilled happily.

            “Internet?  Isn’t the Internet supposed to be addictive or something?”  She sounded worried.  I’ve heard talk…come to think of it, didn’t something happen just recently…?”

            “Nonsense!”  I interrupted hastily.  “The Internet is wonderful.  You can use search machines to locate web sites and research all kinds of stuff.  Why last week, I was looking up our family tree and discovered my great-great uncle was hung during the Civil War for stealing horses from the Union Army.”

            “That is interesting.  Our family must have been confederates, I guess.”  My beautiful daughter said.

            “Well…. No, Dear… just horse thieves.  However I also found a site for auctions and sold my surfboard.  Best of all, I found my ex-husband’s email address…and he thought the witness protection program could hide him…HA!”

            “You seem so obsessed with this, Mom. I’m worried.  Won’t you drop this Internet stuff?”  The child pleaded.

            “Oh, I couldn’t do that Dear!”  I was shocked at her suggestion.  “I still have so much to learn…like how to chart my own cyberspace horoscope…and, ever since I researched ‘leather goods’ because I need a new purse, why have I been getting email from a guy named Mr. Bondage?  I need to know…”

            “Now I remember what I heard about the Internet!  It is too addictive!”  My beautiful but loud daughter howled.

            “It is not!  Teacher promised us that it is perfectly safe!”  I protested.

            “Then explain to me why last week someone had to call security to forcibly remove two people from your class?  They were staring glassy-eyed at the monitor and refusing to log off…”

My daughter’s voice trailed off; then she asked suspiciously, “Mom, were you one of those people.”

            “I am not addicted.  It just so happened I was in the middle of some important email with Mr. Bondage and didn’t want to leave it.  Besides, it was the other guy who went ballistic when they tried to pull the plug on him.” I shrilled.

            “Oh, Great!  Does this mean I’ll be getting another nasty letter from your teacher complaining about you and this other Internet junkie?”  My brat sneered.

            “Oh I doubt it!”  I snapped back.  “Teacher is the other Internet junkie.

The End