Five Signs That They Might be a Zombie

Too much you say?  Oh, contraire, I disagree.  Not enough!  We must be ever vigilant against the creeping zombie menace.  Here are Five Signs Someone in Your Family is succumbing to the Zombie Threat.

One:  A change in eating habits.  Once upon a time your ten year old little Johnny ate hot dogs and corn dogs and other processed cooked meat.  Now, the redder the better.  Does he order his hamburger nearly raw, then dispense with the bun entirely?  Are grandma’s bloody Mary’s a little bloodier than usual?  Are members of your family occasionally taking nips out of a convenient brother or sister? This could be a sign of Zombie-ism.  Note:  This could also be a sign of other afflictions, such as lycanthrope (werewolf ) or vampirism, two subjects not to be touched here due to our ad affiliation with Google.

Two:  Hygiene has taken a dramatic turn for the worst.   Clothes go unwashed, as does hair, face, arms etc.  Brushing teeth has become optional at best, at worst a nightmare of halitosis that makes the family dog run and hide.  Note:  This could also be a sign that you have a teenager in your midst, not a zombie, though the two are often confused.  A good test to see if one is a zombie and not a teenager, ask them if they want to go to school.  A teenager, if they answer at all, will say no, probably in a snarky or sarcastic voice.  For a zombie, a high school is an all you can eat buffet and they will be there with bells on.  Also, zombies will pay more attention to what you are saying and doing than your typical teenager.

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Three:  A sudden lack of pets on the block.  While zombies prefer the flesh of living humans to snack on, to keep their identity a secret they will dine on whatever is available in a pinch.  Raw meat from the fridge or Lassie, whichever is easier.  Note:  This is often overlooked in neighborhoods with loudly barking dogs at all hours of the night.  While you are grateful for the extra hours of sleep the calm affords you, the calm might simply mean that zombies are now gathering at your door because they are out of dogs and cats.

Four: A sudden and inexplicable obsession with the macabre.  Zombies have the insidious reputation of being nothing more than brainless eating machines incapable of uttering more than a few words and moaning piteously.  This is a myth perpetrated by the very zombies that we must guard against.  Zombies do have their speech idiosyncrasies, like more moaning than one usually hears outside of a porno, but they are no less intelligent than say, your average bond trader.  They will delve into anything out of Gothic/horror that will help them to accomplish their obscene ends, i.e. the eating of human brains, the zombie food of choice. Note:  This could also be a sign of a teenager who has seen any of the Twilight movies.

Five:  In any conversation, the topic of human brains arise. Example:

            Martha:  Isn’t it lovely out today?  I’m so glad we came to the park.  Shall we fly a kite, or maybe have the picnic first?  Gosh, I love you.

            John/Zombie:  Hmmm….uuuuuhhhh….yeah…say, can I eat your brain?

An obsession to be sure, and why we, as good citizens of the world must protect against the zombie threat and thereby protect the brains of ourselves and those we love.

Note:  This could just be the fact that Martha said “I love you.” and John simply doesn’t know how to respond, being a man and not a zombie.

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