I don’t watch the news too often. I get most of my news just before I check my e-mail. Let’s face it: The news is boring. There’s never actually anything new on it and it’s presented so dryly that you can hardly stay awake, let alone interested. The straight faced, suited presenter with the monotone voice just doesn’t cut it when it comes to presenting the news. I think more people would watch the news if we changed the format of news shows. You don’t need to change what you’re presenting and pull a “Fox News” and turn it into sensationalism. You don’t need live action car chases and you don’t need to shout the news and then have ten minutes of commentary about it. Small changes are all it takes and you’d get everyone watching. Let’s go step by step.

Step 1

No more boring HUMAN presenters. Get a talking dog to sit at the desk and present the news. Talking animals have been on TV for a long time and they’ve never failed to bring in the viewers. Children and adults alike love animals and dogs in particular are the popular choice. When it’s man’s best friend in a suit, I’ll listen to any Middle Eastern war story you want. I suggest bulldogs because they look especially cute when you dress them up.

Step 2

Open every report with “Simon says”. Make sure your dog keeps a straight face. Can you imagine it?

“Simon says police are investigating the disappearance of a five year old girl…” And so on. Suddenly it’s more entertaining and you know it must really be happening because Simon said so!

Step 3

Change the name. ABC News is a boring name for a boring show that no one really wants to watch. Change the name to something enticing and fun. Call it “Peter Presents The Purple Penguins Pancake Picnic Passover”. Do you know how many people would watch that? You tell someone it’s ABC News and they think “Meh. It’s just the same old news from the same old ABC.” Swap it around and suddenly everyone is thinking “Wow! Who is peter and why are all these penguins going on a pancake picnic? I better watch this!”

Step 4

Have a video of a kitten playing with a ball of string in the top corner of the screen at all times.When the news gets too depressing, that will cheer people up and they won’t feel terrible every time they watch. This also ensures that you’ve got both the cat people and the dog people watching. A win-win situation!

Step 5

Once a show, get a guy to come onto the set and juggle something. It only needs to be a short segment but it needs to be a different item every time he juggles. You should also set the thing he’s juggling on fire. Everyone loves juggling. People are impressed by jugglers juggling dangerous items most of all. So now everyone is watching the news to see what the Juggler Man will juggle next.

And at the end of his segment he has to explode. Don’t say how or why and have him back to juggle the next day. Don’t make any reference to the exploding at all. Trust me: People will love to see a juggler explode after juggling six dangerous items.

There you have it! Five steps are all it takes and you’ve got everyone in the world watching the news religiously. How can you possibly go wrong with a formula like that? You can’t!

I’ll see you next time on Peter Presents The Purple Penguin Pancake Picnic Passover.