Based on very little research and understanding of anything that I’m about to type, I have come to the top ten ways that I have thought about eating an Oreo. If you wanted scientific research then you should have went to some site like Wikipedia or How Stuff Works. By the end of this you will either hate what I said and then go out and research yourself on the eating of an Oreo, which in that case you will come to a greater understanding and knowledge that was brought on by my misguided efforts OR you will find this article amusing and go hit up your local store for a bag of Double Stufs. Either way, I helped lead you on your journey.

     Before we get started, let us have a brief history lesson on the cookie. Oreos came into existence after someone trying eat icing was interrupted by someone walking into their bakery and exclaiming in a loud voice “I tried this new recipe for pressed chocolate cookies, but they taste too much like chocolate crackers!” The man trying to eat the icing then stood up and exclaimed “I too have been coming across difficult times in my life due to the fact that I am trying to eat this awesome frosting, but have nothing but my hands to eat it with!” From then on the rest is history. Or so I think, you may want to check my facts for me. Either way, had it happened like this, it would have been a way more exciting occurrence for the origin of the Oreo. Alright, now that you have the background lets get to the Top Ten Ways to Ingest Oreos.

10. This was passed down from my grandpa’s great grandfathers fairy god mother. Apparently you can just pop the cookie in your mouth and chew. Now, back in the day, that was an exciting way to eat this food, but it just doesn’t cut it for today’s culture, so I had to put it in as number 10. Remember, there is only ten ways to eat the cookie, don’t argue with me on that.

9. The Classic Quadruple Stuftopic Cookiefest. This one comes in as number 9 because it’s a little beyond it’s years. Number 9 use to be The New Age Double Stuf Stacker Attacker; where you take a cookie off of each side and smash the two frosting coated cookie halves together, but then Oreo came out with a factory made Double Stuf and killed that as a way of eating it. And since you can just pop a Double Stuf in your mouth, the New Age Double Stuf Stacker Attacker got bumped to nonexistent. The Classic Quadruple Stuftopic Cookiefest is where you do the same concept, but with the Double Stufs. Nabisco’s next move on this will be making Quadstuf’s the norm. But then there is always the Octostuf waiting for that moment to arise so that it can become the new No. 9.

     Are you still following me on this? Good, treat yourself to a cookie.

8. Oreo Desert Pudding. What is better than  two chocolate cookies joined together by frosting? Two chocolate cookies joined together by frosting smashed up then mixed with chocolate pudding is a correct answer. Some people throw those gummy worms on top so that when you come to that dessert at your family reunion, you’re like “EWWW, someone brought in a pan of mud and dirt with radioactive worms in it” and then you walk on and the one who brought it gets to take it all home and enjoy the entire dish to themselves. Well, the secrets out now, so next time you see that bowl of dirt, scoop a big scoop of it onto your plate and enjoy.

7. Some people at this point might be asking “What about dipping your Oreos in milk?” well, that is a good question. I don’t do that because that is the same as eating it whole, but now it’s soggy. Ever wonder why it was your grandparents that taught you that? They were trying to live like their wild years back when they were young but can’t chew an Oreo like they use to. Hence the milk. BUT what I will give credit to is the kid who was so lazy that when his grandpa was all dipping his Oreos, the kid said “My shoulder hurts, how bout we just crush the Oreos up and mix them with the milk so all I have to do is drink my calories.” Bravo Oreo and Milk Kid. I think of you every time I almost choke on that ‘not properly crushed’ icing chunk in my milk.

6. Inhaling. At some point in a man’s life, he’s going to have to do something stupid to get 5 bucks. This next way of eating an Oreo is both stupid and dumb and dangerous. Don’t do it at home. Wait till you’re at school and need to impress your buddies. Jim *I changed the name for his safety* was the type of guy who would snort anything through his nose for a buck. Pixie sticks were his speciality but he said M&M’s went down the smoothest. One day we decided that for 8 bucks between us, he would have to snort a crushed Oreo. It did not look pleasant nor did it look like it felt good in the least bit, but we almost died from laughter, which is why I said this is dangerous. One time I thought about doing it for an energy boost while pulling an all nighter for a college paper but my roommate was in the room and some things are just too hard to explain. Since this is a legitimate way to eat the cookie, and this is a legitimate scientific study, I included it against my wishes. I might make another article with 6 omitted.

5. Wheat Thin Delight. DON’T SAY “EWWW” TILL YOU TRY IT! Then you can say “Eww.” Take two wheat thins. Yeah, you already know where I’m going with this… Take a knife and scrape the frosting off, apply it to one of the wheat thins. Then apply the other wheat thin to form an Oreoesk looking wheat thin cookie or Whethoreo. Now this next part has to be done to a ‘T’ for the effect to be the greatest. Twist the wheat thins apart and lick the frosting off. Then feed the wheat thins to your dog or baby cousin.

4. Cookie a la Chocolate Fountain. Graduation parties are the best time to do this, because almost 90 per cent of your friends think it original to have a chocolate fountain at their party. Let them, because to eat your Oreo in this sort of way, you need one. Let’s get one thing strait here. I am not saying just dip your Oreo in the fountain. No, that would be to amateur. To do this you need at least a bag of Oreos with one set aside for the actual eating of the… never mind, I’ll just tell you how to do it. Take most of the bag of Oreo’s and crush them into the already hot and flowing chocolate. Wait. Once all the crumbs are thoroughly mixed into the chocolate at 318,388 ppm then you are ready to begin your next step. Dip your Oreo into the fountain, but not so much dip it but throw it through the cascading falls and film it in slow motion, like the candy bar commercials. After you do that let it set on a plate and right before the chocolate hardens, sprinkle some crushed Oreos on top. Garnish with a meatball on a toothpick and a slice of graduation cake.

3. This in number three on the list, which means it is pretty freaking good. Also it is a way to address a particular problem with all of the foods today. Fried Oreos. Yes you read that right, and if you go to a fair, you can eat it right too. A couple of years ago, someone decided trans fat is not only bad for you but that no one should be allowed to get it even if they do want it. So that being the case, someone with the wisdom of Solomon thought, “Hey, why not take the Oreo and put the trans fat BACK into it” and he did, by dipping it in pancake batter, frying it up, putting powdered sugar on it and then selling it for 4 bucks for 3 cookies. Pretty good profit margin on that. One time I tried mixing 3 and 4 on this list, but I will tell you now, don’t. I was just about to do it when someone yelled “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” and jumped across the room and knocked the fried Oreo out of my hand and sent the chocolate fountain spurning across the room. Only 43 people went to the hospital with 3rd degree tasty burns, but the person who stopped me told me in the waiting room that it was for the best. He said “Have you ever wondered what happened to Atlantis?” and I said “No” but he replied anyways “Aquaman (the king of Atlantis) dipped a fried Oreo into a chocolate fountain, and a black hole opened up and sucked Atlantis into another dimension of time and space, killing everyone. I was the only survivor. I cannot let that happen again.” I looked at him and said “Wow, I really just said ‘No’ and you just kept on talking”

2. The Cookie Fetish. OK, now I can not bring myself to eat an Oreo like the way I’m about to explain it, but without these people, you couldn’t have number one without looking like a wasteful jerk. There are people that eat only the cookies. Don’t look down at these people. Embrace them as one of your own, because with them you can live a synergistic lifestyle with number one on the list of how to eat Oreos. I had a friend that ate Oreos in the way of the number 2 and before I continue, No 1…

1. Just the Stuf. Omg. For real this is the number one way to eat an Oreo. Pull a cookie off, eat the stuff then throw the cookie at a number twoer. I really didn’t have a friend that ate only the cookie parts. That begining was to a false story, so I’m not going even finish it. Just the Stuf, wow. It is amazing that the best way to eat an Oreo is to waste 2/3rd of it. Which is why the people who do it the number two way are where they are today.

Thank you so much for learning what I have put forth. My brain is like a stream of knowledge and my fingers are like the little hoses that spray that knowledge all over the screen in the form of typing. Hope you can now enjoy your Oreos better since now you understand the concept of eating them.

Peace.