Image via Wikipedia.

Incidentally, a perfect example of trying too hard. Go Stewie!

World domination. How hard can it be? I hate long winded introductions so I’ll inflict one upon you! (Cue evil laughter). Ruling the world has been the effort of too many people to name, and some were actually pretty good at it. That Gangis Kahn guy did okay, and so did He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Sanjaya. Don’t believe it? That name crumbled the Berlin wall).

You know what these people all had in common? They tried too hard! Ruling the world is easy! Think about it. People want something to look up to, and people are lazy. What people really want to is to look up to someone who is lazy! Let’s get started!

1. Develop your laziness

I don’t care how lazy you think you are. It’s become almost fashionable to pasty teens to brag about how lazy they are. So what are these “lazy” teens doing? Playing video games? Watching TV? Maybe it’s just me, but watching TV is pretty exhausting.

First you have to find the remote, then the food. By this point I’m practically falling asleep so I have to find the couch with my eyes closed. Then, with my bony hands firmly on the remote, I collapse into sleep.

Point is, you’ve got to tone it down even more.

2. Eat, sleep and ________

Get your mind outta that gutter! The blank isn’t what you think it is, it’s whatever you want it to be. There, now your mind is REALLY in the gutter, eh?

Well, to me, I like nothing better than singing. You don’t want to be known as “Ivan the Terrible”, that sounds bad, and smells worse. Let’s learn from history, peeps. You need a hobby that is so firmly ingrained in your persona that you ARE that activity. Going back to Sanjaya, for example, my goal would be to people to call me “vertjaars the singer”.

3. Get on the news

Everything great starts on the five o’clock news. Your goal is to end up on Youtube and become a popular viral video. Make up a story (sob stories work well) just ridiculous enough to get you on the news. Then, act a fool (act a fool) (act a fool) (sorry, that was me singing along to Act a Fool, Fool). Don’t push too hard on this or they may not air it. You need to skim the edge here. This is the hardest part, and, in fact where Napoleon went wrong. That red suit was way over the top, brah.

4. Don’t use the word “brah”… brah

Address people with “You!” It makes “You!” sound more like You! Using the word “Brah” was actually the TRUE cause of Chairman Mao’s downfall.

5. Dicate!

I don’t mean dicate as in “control”, I mean dictate as in “dictate” Good engRRRish never got a world ruler anywhere. Not to China, Japan, or Mexico.

6. Dictate!

Now you can do it for real! Capatalize on your video and make a stirring campaign speech on webcam! Answer useless questions from teenage boys! Go forth and win!

*** Shameless self promotion ***

If you liked it (No fakin’ now), click on the “I liked it!” button below. Comment if the liquidly mass in your skull has something contstructive to say. You can read some more of my work at www.triond.com/users/vertjaars