Being super smart might be good for some things—like maybe, um, being able to do your own income taxes, or knowing the difference between Impressionism and Expressionism—but it’s not so hot for getting girls.

Because girls want a man who acts, a man who does, not a man who sits around thinking all the goddamn time.

But if you’re one of the unlucky few whose thoughts are often subtle or interesting, don’t despair. For I’ve come up with a handful of simple ways to trick women into thinking you’re an empty-headed fool. And with many women, seeming unintelligent is the next best thing to actually being unintelligent.

Go to a Tanning Salon

And really burn the hell out of your skin, too. Because the easiest way to seem less intelligent is to look less intelligent.

And when girls see how much you care about having a bronzed complexion—and how little you care about getting melanoma—they’ll think you’re an idiot for sure.

But don’t stop there. Because once a woman hears you say something, she’ll likely suspect that you’re a closet thinker. So you should overwhelm her with visual evidence to the contrary. And don’t worry about looking like a jerk—which you will—because it’s better to look like a superficial jerk who spends his time going to strip clubs and uploading amateur porn to the internet than a boring loser who spends his time reading books and having ideas.

Use styling gel. Lots of styling gel. Girls will be so alarmed by how slimy you look that they won’t even notice how smart the stuff coming out of your mouth sounds.

To complete the slimy image, you should deck yourself out in sports apparel—an extra-large jersey and baggy sweatpants should do—and wear a necklace whose pendant says your name in gaudy plastic letters.  

If you’d feel more comfortable appearing as a yokel than a slimeball, then you can just throw on some ratty suspenders and let a piece of wheat hang from your slobbery lips. I warn you, though, yokels aren’t as common as they used to be, so dressing up like this might make the woman you’re talking to wonder if something’s up.

Talk the Talk

What’s most likely going to expose you as a thinking man is the way you talk. The large-ish words you use, the slightly sophisticated topics you select, the fact that you sometimes actually seem interested in what you’re saying—all these are red flags that will send most women running for the hills. But if you make these slight adjustments, you can speak on any subject—no matter how much you may know about it, or how much it may interest you—while sounding as unknowledgeable and uninteresting as the guy of her dreams.

Stop using adverbs.

In this day and age, using adverbs is a stuffy affectation, like wearing a monocle or a bowler hat. So instead of saying, “The orchestra played really well,” say, “The orchestra played real good.” Instead of saying, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom really badly,” say, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom real bad.” Doing this will take the academic edge off your speech, which women can’t stand, and will fool them into thinking you’re a cool, laid-back meathead.

Replace all positive adjectives with “sick” and all negative adjectives with “gay.”

Because no woman wants to have sex with a dictionary. So just say, “Oh, man, that movie was so sick!” or, “Stagflation is real gay.” And sure, this may hamper your clarity of expression quite a bit, but who cares. You can still show off your vocabulary when you play Balderdash with your family at Thanksgiving, or when you write about your deep sexual fears in your leather-bound diary.

And change verb tenses at random.

This will give your conversation a disconcerting, ungrounded feel, which will excite women sexually. They may even assume you’re a dumb foreigner who’s still struggling to learn English, which will make them feel superior and, in consequence, highly aroused.

So let’s put these three little verbal tricks to the test. Here’s what you might sound like before using them:

“The struggle for gay rights is a really fascinating issue. When I think that one day a gay person might be able to enjoy the same rights that I do, it just makes me feel great. I can’t stand all those terrible people who try to impose their lifestyle on everyone else. Gay people are amazing, and by golly, they should be treated that way!”

This highfalutin—that is, moderately intelligent—rhetoric isn’t going to make any girls weak at the knees. As soon as they hear you say “really fascinating issue,” they’re going to wish they were somewhere else, anywhere that doesn’t sound so much like a classroom, even in a smelly barn, lying on their back beneath some overweight semi-literate named Butch.

Now let’s take your conversation down a few notches using our patented tricks:   

“The struggle for gay rights is a real sick issue. When I think that one day a gay person might be able to enjoy the same rights that I do, it just makes me feel sick. I can’t stand all those gay people who try to impose their lifestyle on everyone else. Gay people are sick, and by golly, they should be treated that way!”  

And while this may not exactly capture the meaning of the original, it does manage to make you sound like a straight-shooting, salt-of-the-earth man’s man who’s not going to let some high-flown language distract him from the real issues. And women get all hot and bothered for salt-of-the-earth straight-shooters, no matter how backward or repulsive to common sense their views may be. To a woman, nothing’s sexier than a man who’s not afraid to speak his mind. That is, as long as his mind has nothing complicated or smart-sounding in it.

Cover Your Mistakes

If you slip up and say something intelligent—and sooner or later, you’re bound to—what you should do is quickly attribute the offending idea to someone else and then disagree with it vehemently.

For example:

You:   I believe that children today are overdiagnosed and overmedicated.

You:  Or that’s what Jimmy Smits said, I mean. But if you ask me, I think it’s a load of shit.

Her:  Jimmy Smits really said that?

You:  Yeah. The guy’s a total nerd.

Her:  If he said that, then yeah, he is a total nerd. Now kiss me, you straight-shooter, you.

And you can blame all your good ideas on Jimmy Smits for a while, but eventually you’re going to want to find a new scapegoat, or she’ll get suspicious. “Jimmy Smits sure says an awful lot of dumbass things, doesn’t he?” she’ll say, wondering if just maybe you aren’t quite as dumb as you’d have her believe.

And Jimmy Smits, if you’re reading this, which you probably are, you can blame all your good ideas on me. And I don’t care what Richard Roeper says, you totally rocked the house in Star Wars: Episode III!  

So stop trying to impress girls with your wit and your brilliance—girls hate wit, and they can’t stand brilliance—and start trying to impress them with your newfound distaste for all things mental. After all, God put your brain on the inside for a reason—so no girl would ever have to see it.