How You Know When You’re Drunk

• You’re under forty
• You don’t usually consume a whole bottle of wine
• You can’t wait for more than a minute
• You continually apologise for the state you are in
• It becomes harder to count out money to buy drinks
• Other people start to mutter, “Don’t worry – they’re drunk”
• Your laughter attains unnaturally high levels
• It becomes difficult to concentrate for a sustained period of time
• Your friends become a lot more likeable
• Judgment becomes impaired and consequences cease to exist
• Liquid seems to evaporate from your glass
• People keep getting in your way
• Unsavoury characters hallucinate that you’re interested in talking to them
• You experience an overwhelming urge to gather roadside objects
• You feel as if you may have eaten some bad takeaway
• The nearest toilet is much too far away
• Charm becomes a distant concept and the in-your-face tactics are all you can muster
• Horrible words spill out of your mouth an alienate your former friends
• You develop the ability to teleport and far-off places become adjacent to where you are
• You know you’ll regret it in the morning but right now that’s not important
• You really shouldn’t have done it but you did it anyway and now it’s too late