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Jacques Berkeley Accepts $5 Billion Triond Ship

Published by Jacques Berkeley in Humor
September 14th, 2012

I’m so happy!


Thank you. Thank you.

I’d like to thank all the wonderful folks at Triond for this year’s award, the $5 billion ship.

I toured the ship. Most impressive was the sign at the gangplank that reads, “No men except Jacques.” I loved the seven-story ice sculpture. My compliments to whoever did that. I liked the wide windows designed to avoid a Titanic repeat. The Captain explained the safety features. She’s a lovely thing. My compliments on her, too. As a matter of fact, I already passed on a few compliments.

I liked – in fact, I was overwhelmed with – the three gold vaults placed strategically on various levels of the ship. The jewelry shops were nice too.  Beautiful pools for French swimming maidens, the lifeguards, the extra grammar dictionaries for writers having trouble finding something to write – all of it was wonderful. I liked the shops.  I like the fur coat shops, bikini shops, word processer shops with word processors that actually work, booze shops, etc. There were foreign language shops, too. I’m sure they were all legit.

The two independent banking establishments were very well done. The two libraries were excellent, with works by Chaucer, Shakespeare, Wade Hobbs, Charles Dickens and Thomas Hardy. The large, spacious cabins are wonderful! I bet you could cram at least a thousand books in each!

The diving pool was nice. The martial arts comedy we saw was excellent! What a show! 

The two private theaters on Deck 5 were nice. (Excellent popcorn and Coke, by the way !) I liked the way you placed the kitchen on Level Seven. I didn’t tour the boiler room, but the Captain assures me that everything is in order. She’s an expert on that. So’s her friend Sophie.

I like the newspaper shops. I particularly like the underwear shops with the funny French names. Who told them they could have a language, anyway? How long have the French had a language, anyway?

Basically, I like the ship. (The whole thing was a nice break from being shot, stabbed, bombed, and chased through American cities.)

I couldn’t believe you actually included a vertical-takeoff jet on the front of the ship. The British have a name for that type of jet, I think. I forget it. Wow! And the helicopter (and the pilot) on the other end of the ship were truly amazing.  I understand the ship comes with unlimited booze so I won’t be flying in either.

The Grammar Review was excellent!

Everything I can think of was on that ship. What else would  one need? I think I even saw a volume called “Conversational English” in the Writer’s Lounge.  I presume there was a laundry room. The Captain said nothing about it. There must have been. We had clean laundry. OK. Yeah. No sweat.


Plenty of drinking water in case I decide to stay out at sea with 500 women — that was good thinking. I hope someone understands the flag system. I have no idea how to tell other ships to go away. Oh! I guess you have radio. My bad!


I don’t eat caviar but I understand it was delightful. One of the Captain’s friends told me. Her name currently escapes me but I’m sure I’ll remember it.  The sandy beach ball courts were superb! And yes, I did have a chance to play. We lost, but we still had fun. I noticed the co-ed issue really didn’t bother anybody. Why would it?


With bar-to-court service, who really actually needs a bar directly next to the court? I noticed the lady served both the beach ball court and the swimming pool. She was noticeable. I’d rank her somewhere between 214 and 220.

The Jacuzzi, golf range, and South American coffee shop were nice.

But I must ask.

You paid $5 billion for this?

Liked it
  1. Posted September 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Did you like that?

  2. Posted September 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Is anyone out there listening? Is anyone READING? In five months, we’ll need more Hemingway, Cooper, and Bill Cosby. Girl number 300 wants name cards. If you could just drop the books off in Anarctica, please…

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