Opens with Bond bungee jumping down a dam.

Audience

Is that really the best way to get down a dam?

Director Albert R Broccoli

Look you’re the ones who didn’t like the last rougher more realistic Bond.

Audience

True we’ll never like such a Bond again.

Bond walks around a research facility killing a load of Russians.

Russian soldier

Hey what do you think you’re doing? The cold war is over.

Bond

We’ll kind of explain that later.

006

007? But two 00 agents on one mission, I thought we’d be more spread out there’s only 9 of us.

Bond

This could get dangerous, stay sharp.

006

Oh you didn’t.  I’m never going to regret betraying you.

Bond blows up the weapons facility and escapes by free falling into a plane.

Audience

Does Pierce Brosnan want to be the next super man as well?

Opening sequence rolls with best sound track since Gold finger. Bond then has a car race with Onatop. Even though his car is about 40 years older than hers they stay neck and neck. That is until Bond realises he hasn’t kissed a girl yet in this movie.

Evaluator

This  isn’t helping my evaluation of you Bond

Bond

I’m being evaluated? But I’ve saved the world as we know it 16 times and I’m still in my 30’s.

M

I’m trying to establish my authority here.

Bond

Whoa M your a woman, I have the deepest respect for women really. Now where can I find a  pretty Bond girl who won’t try to kill me.

M

Well there’s Natalia the one person I don’t mind you de-cloathing, that cardigan makes her look older than me.  Oh and can you d something about the Goldeneye, it destroyed the effects guys  models.

Bond

Nothing can ever replace models.

Q

And here’s the new car model a BMW you’ll be using for a total of 2 minutes during the movie. Still I’ll give you a full rundown of the features seeing as they’re a sponsor.  Now lets have a long conversation in front of a BT telephone booth.

Bond meets 006 again in some kind of graveyard.

Bond

You again! Its like some reoccurring end of level boss.

006

This would make a good game.  Also to establish myself a bit more I’m doing all this because my parents were betrayed by the British.

Bond

I thought it as the French you didn’t like. Though it’s different from the usual motivation of money. Still I’ve got sixteen shillings here if it would help you change your mind. By the way did you get that scar from William Dodd?

006

That’s it, now I’ll  kill you properly.

He doesn’t in typical Bond villain fashion.

They’re taking for interrogation, the defence Bond escapes as General Orumov foolishly leaves himself disarmed. Russian soldiers are as good at aiming as stormtroopers.

Director

We have nothing against the Russians honestly.

Bond chases after Talia in a tank. For once he has a reason for being invincible. Apparently Russians are poor drivers as well.

Director

Nothing!

Bond

How did such an exciting chase turn into such a boring level on the Nintendo game

006

Bond escaped?

General Orumov

Of course he escaped you left him right next to the eject button in loose bindings.

Bond turns up to play chicken with the train.

006

Ram him! After all what could possibly go wrong?

Talia spikes Boris and tracks him by finding out 10 country’s he’s not in rather than the one he is.

Bond

Yep that really narrows it down.

Bond flies to  a large satellite dish which has to be hidden under a lake. Because there is no possible way the Goldeneye can be controlled by anything less than a mile in diameter. He gets caught again.

Boris

We’re going to use the Goldeneye to erase records in London.

Bond

Your doing all this to commit fraud. Don’t you think they have backup.

Bond escapes AGAIN!

006

How is he escaping so many impossible situations. WhoA’s writing this Bernard Cornwell? 

006 chases Bond round the dish.

006

Why did we make this thing so big? I need to do the quick march.

They fight at last and Bond stops 006 from falling to his death.

006

For King George James?

Bond

No Sharpe for me.

006

I’m not  ahhhhh.

006 falls to his death, the dish blows up, Bond saves the day and the cavalry show up too late to help.

Pierce Brosnan

Now I know how Sean Bean felt.

For more parody scripts go to

http://www.purpleslinky.com/writers/Nathan%20Grace.130165

Also other humour pieces at

http://telewatcher.com/science-fiction/star-trek/the-difference-between-a-star-trek-fan-and-a-trekky/

http://telewatcher.com/science-fiction/star-trek/star-trek-credit-crunch/