1. “I’m dying of cancer. Please have sex with me.”

   This classic line works like a charm whether you actually have cancer or not. And the best part is, you can blame your terrible bedroom performance on the disease. “If not for the cancer,” you can tell her, “I really would’ve rocked your world.”

2. “I just got a new stereo at my apartment. It holds six discs at once, it has AM-FM radio, it basically has everything. My Mudvayne albums sound awesome on it. You want to go check it out? And did I mention I have cancer?”

   The new stereo gambit should be enough to draw her in, but you should add the cancer bit at the end just to be safe. And obviously, if you plan to use this line, you should buy an expensive new stereo setup before you go out to the bar. Because I mean, how embarrassing would it be if she came to your apartment because she wanted to check out your stereo equipment and then the equipment was like weeks or even months old? You’d just want to die of humiliation.    

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   “Hey, let me buy you a drink. Do you like Hawaiian Punch? No, I’m just kidding. About buying you a drink, I mean. Really, though, do you like Hawaiian Punch? Because I loved it as a kid. It sort of helped me forget about all the abuse I suffered at the hands of my alcoholic uncle. No, I’m just kidding again. It didn’t help me forget. Are you from around here? Because I’m from Alaska, which is the biggest state in the country. No, another joke. I’m from around here. Alaska is the biggest state in the country, though. Say, do you want to go to my place and make wild love on each other? It’s right around the corner. No, I’m not being serious with you. My place is like three miles from here. Hey, can I buy you a drink? Did you say you wanted Hawaiian Punch?”

   This little bit will have her in stitches. If it doesn’t, then either she’s deaf, or you butchered the delivery.

4. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear this from a random guy like me, but I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve seen in this bar all night. I mean, there were some girls in here earlier who had nice tits, and this one Hispanic chick had an unbelievable ass, but I think you’re the best overall. How would you like to go out on a date with me?”

   Girls love compliments, and these are just about the nicest compliments you can give a girl.

5. “Sometimes, when a man is sexually attracted to a woman, his penis becomes engorged with blood. Would you like to take a guess as to whether my penis is engorged with blood right now? I’ll give you a hint—I’m feeling a little light-headed.”

   This little line will give you a chance to show off all the stuff you remember from ninth-grade biology, and its guessing-game aspect will surely intrigue her. To be coy, tell her she’s wrong, no matter what she guesses—that is, if she guesses instead of splashing her cheap martini in your face. So if she guesses that you’re not engorged, say, “Think again, sweetheart,” and if she guesses that you are, tell her, “Nope, not engorged.” She will be charmed out of her skin.

6. “You know, I used to be amazing at baseball back in high school. I didn’t play on the team or anything, though. I would just play catch with my mom sometimes after school. God, I could throw so much farther than her, it was ridiculous! I really wish you could’ve seen it. Of course, my mom was in a wheelchair, but still, her arms were fine. I remember this one time, I nailed her in the head when she wasn’t looking, it was hilarious. Knocked the dumb bitch out cold. God, I really wish you could’ve seen it. So have you ever dated an athlete before, or will this be your first time?”

   Girls love athletes with mommy issues, and that’s why this line can’t miss.

7. “You know what I don’t get? Politics. I mean, why do we have taxes? So rich politicians can take their kids to awesome water parks on the weekends? Probably. I say that because one time I saw Hillary Clinton at a water park. Her body was terrible. Or at least I think it was Hillary Clinton. She’s the black one, right? You know what else I don’t get? Optometry. Because I mean, it’s like either you can see, or you can’t. Am I right? I mean, I can see just fine, and I’ve never been to a damn optometrist. It’s weird, though, I always get headaches if I read for more than like two minutes. Good thing I hate books. You know what is a third and final thing I don’t get? Why people are so convinced of the heliocentric worldview all of a sudden. It’s like wait, are you seriously telling me the whole world is made of helium? Then why the hell aren’t our voices all super high? Or is it just the rocks and stuff that are helium? I forget now. Anyway, you seem like a really nice girl, and I’m so goddamn lonely I can’t tell you.”

   Warm her up with the ace stand-up material, and then turn on the earnestness. She’ll be yours for the taking.

8. “Have you ever slept with a Pulitzer Prize winner before? I slept with Harper Lee once. It was at an overnight writing camp in the Catskills. She was really drunk, and I was really desperate, and it just sort of happened. It’s weird, though, I always figured Harper Lee would’ve been this really old lady, and this girl was like fourteen, at the oldest. Or maybe her name was Peggy Lee? I don’t remember. Anyway, I don’t regret it, I don’t think, but I definitely wouldn’t do it again. Going to the writing camp, I mean. Well, now that I’ve gotten your attention, how would you feel about sleeping with someone who isn’t a Pulitzer Prize winner? Someone like Stephen King, I mean.”

   This is a great old Ukrainian pick-up line, though I admit it does lose a little something in translation.

9. “I will seriously pay you to have sex with me. No, I’m just kidding, of course. Unless you’d be interested in such arrangement? But of course you wouldn’t. You’re a respectable young woman. But sometimes even the most respectable young women are short on cash. Which isn’t to say that you’d be willing to sleep with a random guy like me in order to get it. Though it would be a quick way to make a buck. Like, really quick. Like, so quick that I’ve seen doctors about it. So what do you say? This is all just me being funny, of course.”

   You’re probably not going to sweep her off her feet with this little routine, but you will get your point across. And if, for some reason, she decides not to have sex with you for money, or if she’s an off-duty policewoman, then at least you’ve already said you were just kidding. And they can’t arrest a person for just being hilarious.  

10. “I bet you’d never go home with a guy like me. You’re probably too shallow. You’ll probably end up walking out of here with some shit-for-brains musclebag who posts topless pictures of himself on the internet. Yeah, you’d never challenge yourself with a guy who actually knows a thing or two, a guy whose favorite movie does not star Vin Diesel, a guy who has a goddamn soul. Never in a million years.”

This is how you can try to badger a woman into sleeping with you. She might even do it, too, though afterward she’ll probably be pretty bitter about having been tricked, and she’ll definitely be unsatisfied sexually. “Now that,” she’ll say, as she throws her halter top back on, “is why I don’t go home with sad little assholes like you.” But in my book, being ridiculed is a very reasonable price to pay for getting to sleep with a not completely unattractive woman.