No, thank goodness, no. Dryden can stay. All it means is that if you want to increase your chances with women—into the 0.5%-1.5% range, I’d think—then you’d better be able to give at least the false impression that you’re comfortable with these fundamental guy things.

1. Sports

   This is a big one. Few things are more emasculating than when a girl knows more than you about sports. So to be safe, learn the rules and teams of every major American sport. Knowing a few things about hockey couldn’t hurt, either. And don’t think you can compensate for your complete ignorance of football—American football, for Christ’s sake—with your comprehensive knowledge of some effete, European, non-concussion-inducing sport like croquet. Showing a girl how much you know about croquet is like showing her how much you know about needlepoint, or having sex with guys.

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   And say as little as humanly possible when watching a game in the presence of a girl. Even the seemingly most harmless question or comment could reveal you as an impostor. “Wait, he didn’t get a hit. Why is he going to first plate?” you’ll ask, thinking you’ve cleverly identified a violation of the rules. “That was ball four,” a girl will say, castrating you with her words, “and it’s first base, not first plate. You really don’t watch sports, do you?” She might as well be asking, “You really don’t like women, do you?”

2. Female Anatomy
   

   You don’t have to learn every little nook and cranny of the female form, but you should try to have at least some idea of what the hell’s going on down there. So buy some used biology textbooks, rent some hardcore pornography, do whatever it takes. Anything to prepare you for the fateful moment when she finally—drunkenly, reluctantly—unveils herself to you. And your reaction to this unveiling is extremely important.

   You don’t want to look perplexed, you don’t want to go white as a sheet and pass out, and you should really try not to say “Eww” or “Gross.” What you want is to give her a comforting smile that says, “Don’t worry, baby, I’ve seen tons of these things before, and yours is beautiful, though I must say in the textbooks they’re often much hairier than this.”

3. Cars

   Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you have to subscribe to Car and Driver or enroll in car mechanic courses at the local community college or anything. Hell, you don’t even really have to learn anything about cars. You just have to learn enough car-related words so that you can confidently bullshit about them in front of women. Get yourself to a place where you can take a look under the hood when your girlfriend’s car breaks down and say, “Oh yeah, this carburetor’s shot to hell. And if you want to know the God’s honest truth, the fan belt’s not looking so hot, either.” Which means you have to know how to open the hood of a car, at the very least.

   And when you’re with your girlfriend, avoid repair shops and car shows like the plague—at either place, you’ll be exposed as a fraud within minutes. Not that you’d be dying to take a date to a repair shop or car show, anyway.

4. Highways

   Because a real man can talk directions. When you and your girlfriend make the three-hour drive up to meet her parents, the first thing her dad will ask you won’t be what your name is, or what you do for a living, or whether or not you genuinely care for his daughter—it’ll be what route you took to get there. And if your answer is unsatisfactory, you might as well just march out the door and drive back home by yourself.

   And it’s more important that you learn how to talk the talk than it is for you to actually learn where roads go and what they’re called. To your girlfriend’s dad’s question, you should say something like, “Well, I took 209 to 32, ‘cause that rotary’s a real bitch, and then I hopped on the parkway, because you know they’re always doing that goddamn construction around exit 18.” This completely false answer will please him enormously, will make him think his daughter has finally chosen a guy who knows his way around a vehicle. (And her dad will be the sort of guy who always says “vehicle” instead of “car.”)

   Don’t talk too many directions with him, though, no matter how happy it seems to make him, or you’re liable to blow the whole jig. “So do you generally take 84 to the city or do you just stay on the pike?” you’ll ask, in a misguided attempt to wheedle more big smiles and nods from the old man. “84?” he’ll say, stirred from his reverie. “How the hell could I take 84? 84 doesn’t come this way. And the pike? What pike? What in the hell are you talking about?” And then he’ll kick you out of his house, and out of his daughter’s life forever.

5. Tools

   The time will come when your girlfriend will ask you either to fix or assemble something of hers. It’s almost certain that you won’t be able to do accomplish this task, but if you appear comfortable enough around a set of tools, it might just not matter. So learn the difference between a slotted- and Phillips-head screwdriver, between a nut and washer, between pliers and wire cutters, and throw the word “awl” around pretty generously. “If I had an awl,” tell her, “I think I could fix it. But I don’t have an awl, so we’d probably better call someone else.”

   If she suggests that you simply get an awl so you can fix all these damn things yourself, tell her awls are hard to come by, and to mind her own damn business and leave the men stuff to the men.

6. Drinks and Drugs
   

   Women want a man who knows his way around a bar. So instead of asking the bartender, “What’s in a rum and coke?” tell him, “Give me a stiff drink, I don’t give a damn what booze is in it, I like ‘em all.” A woman overhearing this would think you a seasoned drinker if not an alcoholic, either of which is far better than a sober nancy who gets his thrills from reading trade history books.

   And you don’t actually have to do any illicit drugs, but you should really try not to become a sweaty, paranoid mess as soon as someone brings out some dope. If people are passing around a bowl and it’s your turn, you can just pass it along to the next person and say something like, “I’ve been trying to cut back,” which will save—or rather, establish—your reputation as a cool guy.

7. The Idea of Satisfying a Woman
   

   You should try to acquaint yourself with this idea just so that if, by some freak accident, you actually manage to satisfy a woman, you don’t blurt out, “Wait, that actually worked?”

   You should just take it in stride, as if this sort of thing happens to you all the time. “Oh, was that good for you?” you can say, yawning casually. “I didn’t notice.” Which isn’t to say that you should expect to satisfy a woman. No, that would be silly. I’m just asking you to recognize it as a logical possibility, like the sun’s not rising tomorrow.

8. Fistfights

   There may well come a time when you have to defend your girl’s honor, probably at a bar, or a Walmart, or an Applebee’s. Let’s face it, though, you’re not going to beat anyone in a fight, unless the guy is under twelve years old or over eighty. So if some guy calls your date a brainless dick-pleaser, what you should do—even if she is a brainless dick-pleaser—is adopt a policy of nonviolent protest. Which basically means you should just keep calling the guy a stupid pussy until he hits you in the face. And when your girlfriend asks you why the hell you didn’t try to hit him, you can say, “Baby, I don’t hit pussies.”

   This way, you won’t embarrass yourself by throwing any awkward, effeminate punches that land on the guy’s shoulder, offering him only slight discomfort while totally obliterating your hand. Your girlfriend, and everyone else at the Walmart, will figure not that you don’t know how to fight but rather that you simply choose not to fight. You won’t be her hero—no, her hero would’ve just knocked the bastard out—but at least you won’t be humiliated.

   And don’t do this if the guy is really big, because a punch from him might ruin your face forever. No, better to let your date’s honor take a beating than to incur irreversible brain damage.

9. Guns

   Guys know guns. Or at least girls think guys should know guns, because of the whole gun equals penis thing. So play Halo or Goldeneye until you’ve memorized a bunch of gun words, and then drop them in casually whenever you’re watching a television show in which the characters wield guns. “That’s a semi-automatic he’s holding right there,” you’ll say about the CSI agent who’s holding no such thing.

   Or, better yet, offer a critical remark, such as, “Oh, come on, there’s no way a ten-gauge would spray like that. That’s bullshit.” She won’t know what the hell you’re saying any more than you do, but she’ll love it just the same.

10. Being Around Animals
    

    Animals are scary, I know. They have sharp teeth, and sharp claws, and you have no idea what the hell they’re thinking. A dog who’s wagging his tail and licking your hand could easily be plotting to sink his teeth into your neck as soon as you fall asleep. The world is a terrifying and dangerous place in general, and you don’t feel the need to tempt fate by hanging around a bunch of non-verbal fanged animals who never got the memo about the whole social contract thing.

    But girls love animals and they like guys who love animals, so you should really try to hide your rational fear and do your best to come across as an animal-lover. And when the animal, sensing your fear, sinks its sharp teeth into your thigh, you should try to act as if it were an honest mistake—as if the dog simply mistook your leg for a cooked leg of lamb—and not the calculated move of a violent beast, which it was.