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10 Ways to Make a Million Dollars

Published by John Schell in Life
January 23rd, 2008

Sure fire methods to earn that cash you’ve been dreaming about.

  1. Purchase An Insurance Plan

    Get brutally maimed in an intersection. For a bonus, get hit by a government-operated vehicle.

  2. Buy Some Tupperware

    Spend no more than one dollar per piece. Knock on a door in a residential neighborhood and sell a unit of Tupperware for one dollar and fifty cents. Sell one million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine more units of Tupperware.

  3. Be Born into a Wealthy Family

    Become well liked by an older relative. Wait for said relative to die.

  4. Get a two feet by three feet piece of cardboard and a thick, black Sharpie

    … and write a funny note or heart-wrenching story on the cardboard. Wait at a busy intersection and ask four million vehicles to give you a quarter.

  5. Extra, Extra

    Be a one-line extra in a thousand sitcom episodes.

  6. If You Win It, It Will Come

    Go to a local convenience store and acquire a lottery ticket that has a jackpot of $1,388,889. Pay twenty-eight percent in taxes.

  7. Borrow From Friends

    Get two people to give you fifty bucks, explaining to them that they will each in turn make their money back. They get four friends to give them fifty bucks each with the same understanding. The initial two people then split the money with you. As more and more people are recruited money trickles up from a growing base, creating a “pyramid” of income.

  8. Stock Up

    Purchase five hundred thousand dollars worth of a single stock. Wait for your stock to double in value.

  9. Make It Official

    Go to the Crane Paper Company in Dalton, Mass. Buy some official, Federal Reserve quality, rag-based paper. Obtain a supply of Federal Reserve ink and a template for the one hundred dollar bill. Print bill. Repeat 10,000 times.

  10. Think Big

    Invent a sure fire way to make a million dollars. Package your idea an a user-friendly system, then sell balls that “work your abs and thighs” in an infomercial.

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1 Comment
  1. Posted November 20, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    Ok, so I tried them all. All I got was a permanent limp, a closet full of tupperware, an uncle who hates me, and ten friends all wanting me to pay them back.
    PS – Oh yeah, that stock thing? I don’t have to tell you what happened there.

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