15 Things You Don’t Want to Hear During a Rectal Exam

Published by Ryan Smith in Life
January 9, 2008

A list of the worst possible things to hear before, during, or after a rectal exam.

Somebody’s been working out.
Before we start I should tell you, I have enormous hands.
God, my fingers feel like icicles.
Oh man, it’s a little late now, but I’m out of clean gloves. Don’t worry, the guy before you was clean as a whistle.
Was I wearing my ring before the exam?
Ooo … me likey!
Oh crap, I broke a nail.
Look man, no hands!
Dude, you’re like the world’s biggest ventriloquist’s dummy right now.
Hey man, I don’t know what it was and I know this is wrong but… what are you doing after this? I can move some appointments around and- hey! Where are you going? Don’t you walk away from me! We were magical! I know where you live!
Wow, that’s the smoothest whatever-the-hell-that-is I’ve ever felt.
I don’t want you to panic or anything… but I’m stuck.
Yahtzee!
You know I’m not a real doctor, right?
Well, after reviewing your charts, I have some bad news. You’ve got cancer and you have about three hours to live. I’m sorry … Gotcha! Oh man, I can’t believe you fell for that one! That’s like the oldest trick in the doctor handbook, “Ooo, you have three hours to live…” Ha! But seriously, you’re dying have a nice day.

2
Liked it