1. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

Yes I have.

2. What kind of computer do you have?

I don’t have a computer, per say. I’m typing this from a toilet I rigged up to connect to the internet.

3. What have you learned today?

I learned never to feed your cat month-old leftovers and let it sleep on your bed the same night.

4. How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over?

I don’t understand the question.

5. Do you like to smile?

Right before I deliver the killing blow.

6. How tall are you?

Tall enough to pee standing up.

7. What do you want to be when you grow up?

I achieved all of my goals when I was born. History will remember me just for that. The rest is just screwing around.

8. What time do you usually wake up on the weekends?

I would love to sleep in every once in while, but I don’t have the moral capacity to waste a third of my life in a vegetative state. It would be unfair to my fans and/or servants.

9. Do you like peanut butter & jelly sandwiches?

If by “peanut butter and jelly,” you mean hot sauce and beef jerky, then yes.

10. What is your favorite subject?

I don’t even know what a subject is. I sleep* though every “class” and dodge the jizz that comes flying at me when I answer all of their stupid questions without swallowing my tongue.

*as established earlier, I don’t sleep, but I come close to this state when I sit at my desk meditating on my music, nearby walls or female students.

12. What kind of perfume do you wear?

I prefer women, thank you.

13. Country music….?

Anthrax…?

14. If you could visit any other country, which one would you pick?

I can visit any other country. Were you under the impression that the borders were closed or something? Regardless, I would rather make my own country. Maybe I could make Canada into its own country and crown myself emperor.

15. Where were you when you heard about the World Trade Towers?

What the fag are “World Trade Towers?” You’re lucky I’m smarter than you and can infer that you are talking about the world trade center attacks. I don’t recall anything specific except that we didn’t have to do anything in school. Sorry for coming across as insensitive, I did say some kind of eulogy along the lines of “Wow, that sucks,” which is the equivalent of someone else having a nervous breakdown and committing suicide, but I just don’t react strongly to things.

16. Are camera phones worth it?

They’re cheaper than cameras by themselves…do the math.

25. Is there anyone you’d die for?

That’s a difficult question for someone who can’t be killed. I would, however, watch a full episode of Bleach if anyone else’s life was at stake. That would be far worse than death. Such an unselfish act may seem unusual for me, but I figure being me for seventeen years pretty much adds up to a thousand wonderful lifetimes for anyone else, so it’s only fair. I also enjoy challenges. Once, I was watching South Park but not really paying attention, which was bad because Bleach came on right after it. I took one look and laughed so hard I squirted the orange juice I was drinking out of my EYES. TRUE STORY and it hurt. Then I realized they weren’t trying to be funny.

26. Spell your name without an E, R, S, H, K, L, M, A:

Only a terrorist would have a name with seven commas in it.

27. What are you listening to?

Metal

28. Is any part of your body sore?

Hehe. My balls itch.

29. Are you happy with your life right now?

I guess there are stupid questions after all. Duh.

31. How do you earn money?

I sell my sperm in individual packages. It only takes one, but you have to wrestle it to the ground and shoot it full of tranquilizers to prevent it from eating people. Risky business.

32. Are you outgoing?

If I ever seem outgoing, I probably want something from you. Give it to me.

33. Where do you wish you were right now?

At the bottom of the ocean tied to an IED and fighting a legion of demons with my teeth.

34. Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?

No.

35. When was the last time you felt unbearably guilty?

What?

38. Who can you tell everything to?

Anyone I want to make extremely uncomfortable.

39. Who was the last person you talked to on MSN?

When you’re suspended from the ceiling by your testacies and surrounded by dancing giraffes eating pop tarts, what is the hypotenuse?

Just an example of a question that describes events as unlikely as me talking to people on MSN.

40. Last words you spoke?

I communicate only in grunts and the occasional roar of displeasure.

41. What is your natural hair color?

Is there some other type of hair color? The hell kind of question is that?

43. What are you doing today?

Curing cancer, AIDs, and stupidity, but telling nobody.

44. Do you play guitar hero?

Not habitually. You ask as if it’s a profession or something, which is a little frightening. I play a real instrument. Get a life.

45. Do you like someone?

Yes, but don’t get your hopes up.

46. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

I am impervious to temperature, so it’s a toss up. They both bother other people enough to be entertaining. I do disapprove of women wearing bulky clothing though, so warm is best, I guess.

47. Who is your last text from?

Satan. He wanted me to let him out of my basement and give him his job back, but I told him he didn’t have the guts to be in this line of work anymore and that I can do it on my own.

48. What is the last movie you watched in theaters?

The theaters I would go to don’t admit minors after 6pm anymore, a policy that originated when they discovered I was back in town. It doesn’t mean anything significant to me because the staff doesn’t carry enough automatic weapons to keep me away, but the principle of the thing forced me to inform the local National Guard base that I had seen chemical weapons factories in operation inside the home of the owner of the theater. They should be changing policy soon.

49. Do fish have feelings?

I once looked my friend’s pet goldfish in the eye. It screamed like a baby in a dishwasher and died on the spot. On the other hand, I have been known to inspire fear even from some of the more intelligent species of dirt. It doesn’t imply that they feel, because I project such urges on my surroundings without giving the any excuse like whether or not they are composed of sentient creatures. I hope they have feelings, and I like to think they do when I’m out fishing.

52. What do you currently smell like?

Victory, testosterone, and the blood of my fallen enemies. And piss.

53. Do you feel like dancing?

This quiz makes me feel like partying!

54. What are you going to do after this?

Your mom.

For when the world reads this and finally unites behind the banner of my benevolent leadership, I would like to thank myself in advance.