For decades, people the world over have been exposed to false information and cheesy horror movies that have reinforced many false stereotypes about zombie kind. As a zombie, I intend to set the record straight. First, let’s start with the big one.

Are Zombies Real?

Fact. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how can this be fact, when this very document is published as fiction? I will answer quite plainly that no one would believe it to be true if published as nonfiction, in say, some scientific journal or worse yet in some sort of magazine for people who think themselves Vampires and other creatures of the night. Just take my word for it, this will all be easier for us both.

Are Vampires Real?

No.

Zombies Eat Brains

Fact. Of course we eat brains. Have you ever had brians? They’re aboslutely delicious. They are also quite filling.

Zombies Eat Flesh

Fact. Really, this should come as no suprise. Anyone who isn’t a tree-hugging-veggie-munching hippie eats flesh. Cow flesh, pig flesh, chicken flesh, tree-hugging-veggie-munching-hippie flesh. Anyone who doesn’t eat flesh is a nut job. Though just for the record veggie-munching hippie flesh is the tastiest of human flesh.

Zombies are Mindless Shambling Monsters

Fiction. Sure, in the morning, when we haven’t had our coffee, plenty of us do tend to shamble about mindlessly. But really, can’t the same be said for many humans?

Zombies are Living Dead

Fact. While we do have internal organs like anyone else, they serve no function. Our hearts don’t beat, our lungs don’t breathe. By definition, that would make us dead. On the other hand, we eat, sleep, think, and talk, so that would make us living. Yup- living dead, that’s us.

Zombies are Evil

Fiction. Contrary to popular belief, zombies are not evil. We eat brains, and other parts of humans, and truthfully you’re delicious. Doesn’t make us any more evil than you are for eating cows. Of course there are some who belive otherwise (about you eating cows I mean), but we both know what I think about them. (Reread “Zombies eat flesh” again if you don’t recall.)

I can Become a Zombie if a Zombie Bites Me

Fiction. Becoming a zombie takes far more than being bit by one. There are long rituals involving candle light, long verses in latin, and above all, a willing participant.

Okay, I’m lying. If I bite you, you’re a zombie.

Zombies Exist Only to Feed and Spread Endlessly

Fiction. Zombies do far more than wander around, looking for flesh to eat and people to turn into zombies. Many venture above ground and seek out a regular life. At least, as regualr a life as one can muster while walking around with rotting flesh.

There you have it. Spread the word. No one likes stereotypes, so don’t perpetuate this one. Zombies are among you, make no mistake. Don’t worry, we won’t eat your brains if we like you. And the only ones who get bitten and turned into zombies are those who ask willingly or manage to escape when we try to eat them.

Until next time, braaaiiins.