So this friend of mine after weeks, perhaps months of trying, finally convinced me to go on a blind date with this guy she knows. Since I have had two other nearly disastrous dates this week, I thought it couldn’t hurt me any to try one more.

From the beginning this was a mistake in the making. First there was the initial miscommunication via e-mail which gave him a decidedly slanted view of me that is so rather awkward in itself that I will not repeat it here. Then after several successful and promising e-mails suddenly all of my e-mails to him just kept disappearing. I’d send them, but he wasn’t receiving them and kept sending me these “why aren’t you responding” messages. I should have taken that as a sign to get out while there was still time.

He took me for greasy “Chinese” food, which I know we Americans love, but really, I’ve had Chinese food, and this wasn’t it. Not, that I hold that against him…honestly, I wouldn’t have cared if he took me to McDonalds. A date is about the company, not the food. Anyway, after spending too long hemming and hawing over what to order, I was forced to choose what we’d eat because he seemed incapable of making a decision on the matter. ugh.

Next, came the uncomfortable conversation about the differences in our faiths. He being Jewish, and myself Christian. I was somehow immediately put on the defensive that all Christians do not hate all Jews. He demanded to know whether I believe that the Jews killed Christ and don’t I realize that the Pope himself absolved the Jews of all guilt five years ago. Do I believe the old way or the new way, and don’t I secretly hate Jews??? NO, I do not secretly or otherwise hate Jewish people or any other people for that matter. We Christians are not all Mel Gibson! This in itself brought us down another road better left untread on why I’m not Catholic. ugh.

Then, in classic style he ran down the litany of mistakes his ex made. He went on and on about everything she had done to hurt him; how it is real ugly now and that there are lawyers involved. How is it that people still don’t know not to do this on a first date????

Thereupon, we entered the interview stage. This is the part where typically you ask each other all the usual, questions about work, pets, hobbies, likes, dislikes etc… This part went okay, and he even managed a chuckle out of me with his rendition of a scene from Pretty Woman. That is until the interview wrap-up. As if I had a job to offer, he began to “sell” himself in a rambling, often repetitive monologue of all his skills. He would after all, make the greatest boyfriend I could possibly ever have because he was the total package. He described in great detail what that meant and even compared himself to imaginary exes of mine that he was sure were incomplete packages.

Through all of this his eyes never strayed from mine. Never. I mean complete, direct, unwavering. It was creepy. He did explain that it had something to do with his training in working with children who were burn victims. How the habit stuck with him. The story was touching, but it didn’t make it any less creepy. Self-consciously, I began wondering if I was so ugly that he would only dare to look me in the eyes the way you only dare to look a burn victim in the eyes, fearful of them seeing you gaze anywhere else. I might have believed this if it weren’t for him telling me numerous times how beautiful I am. One time, maybe even two times and it would have been flattering. The number of times he said it…again creepy. And so, I could not believe that either.

At this point, he was still rambling about how romantic he is and what a great husband he’ll make for me and I am looking for the exit. The waiter keeps coming by to refill my water and I am desperately trying to mentally communicate to him to bring the check. The waiter is apparently lacking in ESP skills because he does nothing to speed this up for me. I didn’t want it to be so obvious that I wanted to leave as to actually ask for it in front of my clueless date. Still, if I could speak Mandarin, I would have turned down the water refill and said, “get me out of here”…all the while indicating to my date that I had simply refused the refill on water.

And therein lies my problem. I need to learn to be more up front about how I am feeling about things. Would it have been so wrong of me to simply say that I wasn’t interested and move on? In fact, that probably would have been the kindest, most honest way to handle the situation considering how he in short time would floor me with his complete ability to misread my awkward half smiles.

After his sales pitch, he began to tell me how good he is at reading people’s faces. How he can see the wheels turning in my head about how surprised and pleased I must be at having found him. What?? He said, “I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, somebody pinch me. I need to find out if this is really happening.” Well that wasn’t so far off from the truth, only he seemed to think I couldn’t believe how fortune had smiled on me. He could tell that I was completely smitten by him…and who wouldn’t be? Yes, he actually said these things! I couldn’t believe I had gotten this far into this date without puking.

When the waiter finally came to pack up our un-eaten food, I inadvertently let out an audible sigh of relief. A sigh, that he interpreted as my disappointment that this glorious evening was coming to an end. He kept saying he too wished it didn’t have to end. I was clenching my jaw, biting my tongue from speaking…it was better that way.

He insisted on walking me to my car and as painful as that was, I was grateful that we had taken separate vehicles. My friend had tried to insist we meet at her house and take one car over to the restaurant. At least that was one disaster avoided. Although, I am now wondering why my friend would do this to me. Is this some form of punishment? Did she really think we would hit it off? Does she know me at all???

Once we got to my car he stalled the conversation some and then swooped in to try to plant a kiss square on my lips. I saw his face coming at me at full speed and narrowly missed turning my head so that it landed on my cheek. Phew, close call. Except that he actually tried a second time! Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but take a hint, buddy!!

I’ve only just now gotten home and he has already e-mailed once and called three times to tell me what a wonderful time he had.

I hope I haven’t gained a stalker.

I know people keep telling me to wait on God and not get unequally yoked. Okay, I hear you God. Three lousy dates later and I am listening!