“The Ex-Girlfriend”

I’ve been happily married for fifteen years. Eight years to

this wife and seven to my first. (Just kidding, hon.) One of

the reasons my wife and I are so happy is her understanding

of my wacky sense of humor. Isn’t that right, dear?

Where are you going with my pillow and blanket?

I feel at this time, fellow husbands, that I should warn you

about a situation that can only be defined as the most

horrendous and horrific scenario imaginable to the married

man. (Not counting the dream where you wake up next to

Richard Simmons.) I’m talking about running into your old

girlfriend while you are with your wife.

A series of emotions will run through your system,

predominantly, blacking out. However, if you follow these

simple rules, you, too, will be able to escape this chance

meeting unscathed.

Let’s say you and your wife are shopping at the mall.

(Actually, men don’t go to the mall to shop. They go for

the food court.) All of a sudden, coming in the opposite

direction, you see your ex-girlfriend.

First, don’t try to hide the fact that she was a former

girlfriend. But, if you can duck behind a large, potted

plant before she sees you, do it. You can always come up

with some flimsy excuse to use on your wife as to why you

are skulking behind a large fern. (“Oh, I thought I saw a

dollar back there.”)

Next, always introduce your wife to your ex-girlfriend,

emphasizing the word “ex”, and try to avoid using such

terms as “former main-squeeze”, “cuddle-bunny”, or,

“love of my life.” Then, introduce your ex-girlfriend

to your wife. The pitfall to watch for here, guys, is

getting your wife’s name right. (“I’d like you to meet my

wife Mary, uh, Jane, uh, Mary-Jane, uh, Elliot.”) NOTE:

If you’ve gotten to this point in the introduction, it is

highly advisable that you find the closest sharp object and

slash your wrists.

Keep in mind that as all three of you are standing there,

smiling stupidly at one another, you, the husband, are not

the only one experiencing all of these different emotions.

Your former girlfriend and wife are challenging their

imaginations. For instance, the girlfriend may be looking

over the situation and asking herself, “Why didn’t I duck

behind that potted plant when I had the chance?” Or, she

may be looking at your wife and observing, “The poor woman.

I wonder if he’s putting her through the same nightmare I

went through.”

Now your wife may be looking over your ex and asking,

“Alright, she’s attractive, but are those real?” Or, she

may be wondering, “Poor thing. I wonder if he put her

through the same nightmare I’m going through.”

The husband, being driven by his over-inflated ego, can only

ponder one scenario. “How can I get the two of them

involved in a romantic evening?” As enticing as this may

seem, guys, and even though it may contain the potential for

an entire column of its own, the key thing to remember here

is to end this conversation as quickly as possible. This

can be done in a number of ways:

1. Fake a heart attack
2. Remember that you left the water running in the tub
3. Find the closest sharp object and slash your wrists

If the situation should develop that the two women involved

would like to have coffee or lunch together, under no

circumstances are you to leave them alone for a moment.

The thing to watch out for in this situation, men, is that

while you’re having coffee or lunch with two beautiful

women, the male ego kicks into overdrive. Avoid

reminiscing. (“Remember the night we made love in the

linen closet at the Chicago Sheraton?”) Or, (“How about

the time we went skinny-dipping at that church fund

raiser?”)

Saying goodbye should be as brief as possible. No kiss.

However, if your ex leans in for one, no tongue. Also, when

parting company, as you and your wife head in one direction,

don’t turn around to take one last look. This could be the

difference between watching a full or partial football

season.

So, guys, follow these simple rules and you may be sleeping

in your own bed again within a few, short weeks.

(Come on, honey, it was a joke.)