It took two double-takes for me to fully realize what the woman driving next to me was doing, and even then I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A dicey juggling act of driving, conversing on her cell phone, and applying make-up, all while moving at 65 mph with a child in the car. My initial and brief amusement was destroyed as a raging anger saturated my total being. How dare this woman put herself and others in jeopardy! What could she possibly be thinking? It made me so mad that I cranked up my radio to an ear-splitting level, grabbed my piping-hot coffee in one hand, entered directions into my GPS with the other, and pushed the gas pedal until it was flush with the floor. There is no way I’m going to put myself in danger driving next to such a wildly careless person! All jokes aside, we all have to share the roads, for better or for worse. Understanding the habits of other drivers, be it the “defensive”, “offensive”, or the down right crazy, will improve the chances of us reaching our destinations intact and alive.
We’ve all seen them before; a car making its entrance onto the expressway at a mind-numbing 30mph. Both hands attached firmly to the steering wheel at the proper “ten and two” position and the seat back at a perfect 90 degree angle. Although these people may look like crash test dummies driving, they’re actually “defensive” drivers. In other words, “defensive” drivers are vehicle operators who are concerned with making it from point A to point B safely, no matter how long it takes them to do it, or how stupid they look doing it. You can often observe this classification of driver yielding to traffic, stopping at the appropriate signals, and actually being courteous to others. This is the type of driver you want around you while on the road, but unfortunately the next category is often what you end up with.
“Offensive” drivers are the largest recipients of cursing, rude gestures, and/or whatever else boils over after the shock of witnessing stupidity at its finest wears off. This is an ego-centric bunch; putting others in danger so they can get where they are going two minutes faster. Need to squeeze into the next lane during congested traffic? If you’re next to an “offensive” driver you can forget about it. You won’t find any sympathy from this angry group, not to mention an opening to switch lanes. It’s more likely that your car will miraculously sprout wings, take flight, and fly you to your destination than getting any co-operation from these passive-aggressive knuckle-heads. Avoid them at all costs.
But, if you happen to be in the right place at the right time, the rarest breed of driver may be spotted, the down-right crazy, or as I like to call them, the “Suburban Evil Knievel”. Pick any one of the “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” facial expressions and apply them as you see fit. Speeds way beyond what is remotely acceptable, switching lanes constantly, or “basket weaving”, and using shoulders and medians to navigate around “lame” drivers. These drivers, usually in high-end sedans and sports cars, don’t concern themselves with minor details, such as killing themselves and scores of others in a fiery ball of twisted metal and steel. These “kamikazes” would rather wear there intelligence as a badge of honor while the rest of us try to locate the nearest bathroom.
It is to the benefit of any driver, at any age or skill level, to understand and anticipate what they will be dealing with when taking to the open road. It is said that variety is the spice of life, but unfortunately with this mix of absurd behavior, all you’ll end up with is a bad taste in your mouth.