There’s the retro furniture from the 70’s that brings back that “lovin’ feelin”. There’s the maid that can’t speak English who comes every week and doesn’t know the difference between “Thursday” from “Fool’s Day” and just smiles whenever you say anything and nods her head in agreement.

Don’t forget amenities such as the fitness center with a big screen tv and broken down equipment. There’s also the 2 foot deep swimming pool out back that gets cleaned every week or two. Bleach is expensive, you know – unless you buy it at the dollar store where you do your weekly shopping.

And the friendly, helpful staff is important too. They are always there for those late-night drug busts (pharmaceutical transactions) that happen across the hall. They give the police all the important information in case there’s a mixup with the “pharmaceutical transaction” and assure you that you’ll get another room close to the “misguided uncle” who faithfully checks in with his probation officer every week. And, if you’re really lucky, the friendly staff will even pick up last night’s sushi dinner that another guest has left in the hallway for everyone to enjoy.

Good times – good times.

Oh, almost forgot, the kitchen equipment is to DIE FOR! If there’s an electrical short and a major fire occurs, you’re assured a free night’s stay at a sister location that hasn’t burned down. And they might even throw in fire-proof blankets for your double-sized bed with cigarette burned sheets imprinted with swastikas from a previous skinhead (White Race Freedom Fighter, or the local representative of the National Association for the Advancement of White People – NAAWP).

But be forewarned, if the fire alarm doesn’t go off and you get burned alive in your luxurious suite, the maid won’t find your charred body for a week. Your family won’t mind. Hey, you’ll already be cremated, so it will save them on funeral costs. No need for a mortician.

If you get hungry through the night and don’t have Mrs. Freshley’s snacks on hand, you can always gather the critters from your room, fry them up and cover them in chocolate and have a gourmet meal. Bobby Flay will then want to have a throwdown challenge with you on who can cook the best critters. Who knows? You might become the next Food Network Star after you display your culinary ability at cooking gourmet meals for under a $1.00.

I could tell you the name of these hotels, but then I would have to kill you.