How May I Help You?

What’s this, I hear? Is Burger King giving its minimum-wage employees some classy manners? What they really mean to ask is “What do YOU want!?!?”

Can I Help You With Something?

Between looking at 8 hundred dollar mahogany bookshelves and spare parts for Barbie’s convertible, I’m approached with this question. I don’t have enough courage to say what I’m thinking: “Do I actually look like the kind of person who would buy what I’ve been looking at? You are a stupid man. A stupid, stupid man.”

An Answer to The Question: “What Kinds Do You Have?”

Example 1

Fancy restaurant, waiter listing off salad dressings: “We have almond bleu cheese, a robust yet creamy dressing, a raspberry hazelnut vinegarette, a fruity, [duh] nutty [DUH!!!] light dressing, it’s fat free, and our house french, which I highly recommend.” The customer looks up hopefully and asks: “Do you have ranch?”

Example 2

Casual restaurant, waitress holds out hand, counting on her fingers, with her eyes rolled to the back of her head as far as possible, searching the depths of her extensive memory for every carbonated beverage available: “We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi, Mountain Dew, umm… Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, Sierra Mist, Root Beer, and…er…Grape, Orange, Dr. Pepper, and we also have milk, juice, and hot chocolate.” “What kind of juice do you have?” asks the customer, and the whole things starts all over again.

How’s Everything Coming Here?

I hate when waiters ask this. It’s like they expect something to go wrong. Why don’t we let them perform surgery on us right there so they can observe our digestive systems for themselves? Or even better, to have them call us in a day or two and ask the same thing, just to make sure we didn’t get food poisoning.

Thank You

What’s that supposed to mean? Every time I leave a public establishment, I hear a feeble voice calling this after me. Thank you for what? Not spitting on the floor? Not shoplifting? Wearing a shirt and shoes? All of the above? So please, next time be specific: “Thank you for coming into our store, even though you didn’t buy anything and you forced our best clerk into retirement.”

The only salesmen I truly appreciate are shoe salesmen. They seem to have a passion for what they do. They know every little quirk about every pair of shoes. I’ve even struck up meaningful conversation with shoe salesmen when they are sizing my feet. They can usually convince customers to buy a pair of socks to accesorize with their newly purchased footwear.