You haven’t gotten any in a while, and you’re sick of it. Believe me, I’ve been there. I used to live there. Well, here are some can’t-miss techniques I’ve developed over the years that will help you end your hitless streak.

1. Hire a Prostitute

   Prostitutes get a bad rap in the United States, and so do the respectable gentlemen who take advantage of the wonderful services they have to offer. That’s why I think we should avoid the negative connotations of the word “prostitute” altogether and refer to such women instead as “sex friends.” And who wouldn’t want a sex friend?

   Sex friends are reliable, they’re affordable, and they’re the unparalleled experts in the art of loving. Each session with a sex friend is like taking a master class in fucking! And do you know how much a master class usually costs? Like several thousand dollars! So taking a lesson or ten from a sex friend is like a total bargain.

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   And no matter how bad you are at sex, your sex friend will invariably have been with someone—probably hundreds of people—who was worse than you. So no more worrying, no more apologizing, no more shame! Well, less shame.

2. Become a Prostitute

   If hiring a prostitute doesn’t sound like your sort of thing, another option is to become a prostitute yourself.

   You make your own hours, you’re your own boss—except for your physically and emotionally abusive pimp—and you get to have sex with more people than Wilt Chamberlain. And you’ll probably get to have sex with Wilt Chamberlain, too, if you want to.

   Of course, being a sex friend is not the safest job in the world, and I should really make that clear. There are dangerous people out there who use sex friends as the helpless canvases upon which they paint their sordid, sometimes violent fantasies. But who wants a safe job when you can have tons of sex!

3. Get a Serious Girlfriend Who Loves You and is Willing to Have Sex With You

   This possibility is often overlooked. Because most guys don’t realize that girls love having sex with guys that they love.

   So find yourself a beautiful girl that is interested in you, devote a few years to a serious relationship, and then BAM! You’ll be getting laid before you know it.

   Hint: there’s no rule that says the beautiful girl who loves you can’t also be a sex friend.

4. Hang Out at Arby’s Around Closing

   For some reason, going to Arby’s at around 11 o’clock at night is an incredible way to meet women who will have sex with you.

   I think the women who eat there might have serious self-esteem issues. Come to think of it, I don’t feel so hot about myself after I polish off an after-hours roast beef combo, either. One seriously depressed girl who was there said she would kill herself if I didn’t take her home and fuck her. Halfway through the sex, she said she wished she had just killed herself. Now this was a little blow to my self-esteem, I admit. But nothing that another late-night trip to Arby’s couldn’t cure!

   My parents met at Arby’s, my grandparents met at Arby’s, and I plan to meet my wife at Arby’s. Every Sunday after church. I’ll meet her for the first time probably in a 7-11 or a Cumberland Farms. Those places are breeding grounds for babes!

5. Tell Girls You’re the Store Manager of an Office Depot

   Of all the guys I know, the one who got the most action was a store manager at an Office Depot. So telling girls you manage an Office Depot is another surefire way to get some.

   Of course, the guy I knew was also extremely suave, handsome, and built like you wouldn’t believe. And he dealt coke on the side. And most of the girls he had sex with were sex friends, now that I think about it.

   But it still can’t hurt your chances to say you’re a store manager at an Office Depot. Not that much, anyway.

So study these techniques, internalize them, make them your own. I can’t wait until you have sex because of things I wrote on an internet page!

Happy humping!