There comes a time in every man’s life when the promise of a late night drinking over-priced booze in a high street meat raffle smelling of stale beer, stale piss and other people’s farts loses its glamour and he yearns for something new.

Well, if you know that Pole Dancing doesn’t originate from Warsaw, that polar bears don’t live in Gdansk and you embrace our wider Europe then there’s literally a brave new world out there.

The tabloids tell us that every one of our Eastern European new comer is a burly tradesmen who has the bare faced cheek to do what he says he will, turn up on time and charge a fair price but the fact is, wait for it…there’s girls too! What’s more, these girls are their country’s bright young things; they’re well educated, motivated, horny and hot.

Don’t expect to find these girls on your normal late night trawl of music bars because they’re either working the shifts that you don’t want to or they simply don’t want to meet the sort of guys they find there.

It calls for new tactics; get out in the early evening after work. Change your supermarket to one of the European brands like Aldi or Lidl leaving any “Daily Mail” cynicism at the door. Grab your trolley for courage and go back to basics with some good honest smiling and flirting. These girls probably speak English better than you do and if you don’t act like an arrogant prick she’ll politely let you know if she’s not interested.

After that gentle warm up why not head to the outskirts of the city centre where you’ll find cafes from all over the new Europe. Order yourself a coffee, look sweet and stare helplessly at the menu board until some tight babe takes pity on you. Once you’ve got the conversation going listen hard, smile loads and be the sort of person you’d like to meet. If all goes to plan you’ll love the food, you’ll get a few mobile numbers and you’re well on the way to the second stage.

With a bit of luck the second stage will include an invitation to a get together with a few of her mates at their place. Warning: if you think you can out drink her brother and his mates forget it, not wishing to stereotype but all these people drink vodka in vast quantities from an extremely young age. It’s always neat, always strong and always downed in one.

If you pass that test without passing out you’re nearly there. Get accepted by her mates and the rest is easy, make an effort to learn her language (you’ll never do it but she’ll piss herself while you try), avoid the boring questions that everyone asks; How long have you been here? Could you speak English before you came here? Accept her for what she is and with a bit of luck she might just do the same.