A while ago a writer produced an article on US studies relating to beards, eyes and faces. For sheer baloney it took the cake. The author began with the fatuous statement (I suppose he had to start somewhere) that “since at least Aristotle” we’ve been speculating that faces reveal the inner man. Wow – only since Aristotle?

First this writer – who shall remain anonymous – quoted from a study made by psychologist Michael Wogalter. He told us three things about the wearing of beards.

1. They make men seem older. Well, the Victorians knew this, and grew them for exactly that reason.
2. Bearded men are less attractive. Says who? As a bearded person, I believe attractiveness depends very much on the style of the beard, and the country of the face’s origin, and the fashion of the day.
3. Bearded men are less sociable than their clean-cut counterparts. Fortunately Mr Wogalter has the tact to say that none of these are facts, only possibilities.

However, he assumes from this that beards are viewed unfavorably, though on the basis of those three points I can’t see why. There’s nothing wrong with appearing older (though in fact, in spite of my beard, many people think I’m younger than I am.)

Attractiveness is very variable. When beards were “in” a few decades ago, women still married men in the same numbers as in the short back and sides era. Many of my contemporaries’ wedding photographs show the males with long straggly beards and hair down to their shoulders.

‘Hair is the most salient feature of the face,’ says Mr Wogalter (who plainly doesn’t notice noses), “therefore it must have a big impact on people”s perception.’ The only time I find a beard makes a big impact on me is when a man uses it as a tablecloth and leaves his food fluffing around in it.

Other researchers, who our anonymous writer leaves nameless, suggest beards were worn by our ancestors to intimidate the members of the opposite tribe – who presumably wore beards also, and also wanted to appear intimidating. Score? Love All. However, these studies also say the aforementioned beards attracted the females, which flatly contradicts Mr Wogalter’s findings.

Now we come to lack of hair. Using computer generated mug-shots, Mr Wogalter finds that balding men are perceived as smarter, and a little older. Yet age is considered a failing in bearded men. I’d say balding men are always perceived as older; that’s one of the reasons so many of them wear toupees, or go for hair-restoration.

As for being perceived as smarter, I find that hard to believe. Look at your average television formula thriller or comedy: who’s the baddie? The bald-headed man. How come, if he’s so smart, he always winds up in the cart?

A certain Caroline Keating of Colgate (the University, not the toothpaste), sees a pattern in all this, we’re told by our anonymous friend. What the “all” is, or what the pattern is, he fails to mention. But Keating does have a theory. (The fact that it’s about as bright a theory as the one that says, “mankind stood up straight in order to prevent too much sun from shining on his back,” is neither here nor there.)

Her theory is that males evolved the receding hairline to attract mates. In Ms Keating of Colgate’s eyes baldness isn’t seen as oldness, but as commanding, authoritative.

Now our writer friend introduces some other studies. In these, people with large eyes are on one hand seen as warm and honest – and on the other as naïve and submissive.

Ms Keating of Colgate takes these paradoxical pieces of research and assumes that women like males who are dominating and powerful looking, not naïve and submissive.

I can’t win. Since my glasses make my eyes appear smaller than they are, and I’m bearded, these studies imply I must be cold, dishonest, old, bright, bossy, antisocial and unattractive.

And yet my wife loves me.